A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This is one of the harshest and most disappointing rejections I have ever experienced. Before reading, please keep in mind that I was not aware of what I found out later on and yes, I may have been too forward, I don’t know..I have know this guy since I was a child and even though he was a trouble maker and had a family that was on the bad side of the law while I was more “properly” brought up, I still liked him and never looked down on him in any way. But we never talked, both due to the fact that we had different upbringings and due to other circumstances when we grew older. I moved abroad and he moved to another city and once got into jail for something he hadn’t done. 6 years ago I moved back to our town and I saw him. We both noticed each other after so many years and smiled big, the energy was flowing back and forth between us and I could feel deep in my heart that he liked me, he always looked back, looked towards my direction and every time he saw me he smiled and looked genuinely happy and his body language was always positive. But we never spoke, just greeted each other and passed by each looking happy to see each other when ever we met outside by coincidence. I liked him a lot and I could sense that he liked me very much too. I still like him. But.... He could always show up at places that I was at and it felt like we both knew where’s to “find” each other. The flirting went back and forth for almost 6 years whenever we saw each other until one day I wrote him on social media. During that period we flirted as much as before but by flirting please keep in mind that it was very innocent and a genuine feeling of “i like you but I am not saying it I am simply showing it through smiling and looking happy when I see you”. I built up the courage based on that. I messaged him asking him about a situation that he had been in and realized in his message that he was very short in words and didn’t seem as flirty as he was in person. I saw him in person I said while smiling “please don’t misunderstand my reason for writing you” and he smiled and said don’t worry about it. He however seemed in a rush and I didn’t think much of it other than “he just missed an opportunity to talk to me, that’s weird”.. He didn’t text me anything but when he saw me outside he continued being like before, extremely happy and flirting. Based on my previous message and him not initiating anything I decided to take things a bit further. I felt frustrated and at the same time felt that if only me and him could exchange numbers that we could talk things out.. I wrote him my feelings in a very short but clear and honest way. I even said that I wanted us both to be honest and forward with each other and if he has a girlfriend that he should let me know and I added my phone number saying that I rather us to talk through phone. He didn’t reply. Days went by and I saw him on a shopping center. He looked at me and smiled and went aside and invited me over by his body language. I went up to him, said hi and he smiled and said hi back but looked very nervous and looked around. I said “listen about my message..” and he didn’t let me finish and simply said while smiling “don’t feel like explaining..” and added “listen there are some people standing there (people we both knew) but I will call you later”. We said bye and I knew that moment that he too liked me but felt he was unsure about something. Days went by and no call or message so I wrote him that maybe I misunderstood him and again if he had a relationship that he should feel free to tell me, that I would understand. I even said that I’d appreciate his explanation over his silent treatment. He didn’t reply so I sent him one final voice message and explained that it was better for us to end whatever it was that had happened, the fact that I felt that he ignored me and if it was due to him maybe being involved in a relationship or something else but that all this had turned into something that I was not comfortable with and not used to.. He replied back the next day in a very harsh tone: Hi, you seem to have confused things and thoughts things about us that isn’t there and that will never happen between us. I have a family and I will stick to my family. Bye”. I got so shocked and wrote” I understand. I didn’t know you had a family and would not have initiated a contact had I known. Bye”. Then I added “Wish you had told me that you had a family when I contacted you and so on. Family matters the most to me. Bye”. And that’s when he got bad. He said: What do you mean! What is it that you have made up in your mind! This isn’t right. I have a family so please respect that. “ I replied “ Just stop (his name). I am not saying that you did something or that you said something ( by this point, I realized he denied all the flirting and attraction between us and I didn’t want to point out all the zillion times and places we got happy seeing each other and so on) I am simply pointing out that I wish you had told me that you had a family when I initiated a contact. You knew why I approached you. Don’t tell me to respect your family. I value family bonds and I respect myself first and foremost and then I respect others and their families as well. I am simply pointing out that you should have said that you weren’t interested and that you had a family when I asked you several times”. He replied “Good then let’s leave all this behind us. I never gave you any signals. I never led you on. I have a family and you should have known that I was not interested when I didn’t reply to you. “. I just said: Bye (His name). No contact after this point on.I felt so bad and disappointed, sad and heart broken. And I believe that he simply had me there as a thrill aside of his marriage. He probably has this with other girls also. But without knowing about it, I forced him to come clean about his life and broke his ideal wish to simply have me there on a flirting premises. To me he was much more than that. To me he was this pure link to my childhood and I felt a genuine attraction and clean desire but after all this that happened I feel played. I don’t even known if he liked me genuinely anymore. All the flirting, all that positive vibe... It all got destroyed. Why didn’t he just tell me in first place? Did he even ever like me? Without sounding superficial but I know I look very beautiful and I know my personality is very descent as well, so there might have been a physical attraction but our bond/flirt or whatever I could call it was sacred and innocent. Why would he do this? Did he ever like me? I caught him in his truth and feel like he sold me and our bond out for that..
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2020): Can see by your second post that you are still in denial and still fantasising.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2020): I’m sorry but I don’t think you are living in the real world - just a fantasy world you have created in your head. One in which you think that physical attraction means you are meant for each other. You are reading too much into staring/body language. When we like someone it’s easy to see signals that aren’t there. We so desperately want to see what we want to see and ignore the truth. He may find you attractive but that doesn’t mean he likes you. Everyone sees people they find attractive almost daily but it doesn’t mean they want anything from that person other than to look. He can’t like you if he doesn’t know you and you can’t like him. You like the version of him you have created in your head. But it isn’t real. And he probably isn’t anything like you’ve imagined. Your holding onto a fantasy even after he told you he isn’t interested and has a family. Why else would you be asking this question. You are holding out hope, reading into everything he does and think it all has something to do with you. Contacting him after he ignored you - it’s desperate. In regards to flirting. Some people are just flirty. It means nothing to some people and is just a way to be friendly. Some people don’t even realise they are flirting. Again it means nothing unless he tells you he is interested. Don’t read too much into it. But in the other hand. Are you sure he was flirting and not just being friendly? You may be seeing what you want to see. You need to forget this man and move on. He isn’t into you and is clearly taken. This may sound harsh but I feel like you need to hear it before you spiral even more. Don’t message him, don’t talk to him. In future don’t pour al your emotions into someone you don’t really know - even if he is from your childhood.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (13 December 2020):
 It's immaterial whether he really liked you or not. He never had any plans to have you in his life. He has a family. He is not looking for anything else.
While it would have been nice (and much easier for you) if he had told you straight away he had a family, perhaps he was not sure what you were hoping for and worried about misreading the signs (just as you did). He thought you would work out he was not interested when he didn't reply which, in fairness, many would have done. You, on the other hand, convinced yourself he wanted more and kept pushing until he had to push back.
This all sounds very juvenile, which is surprising for a woman in your age bracket. Stop giving him head space. He is not for you. If he had been, he would have made a move to get closer to you instead of smiling at you for 6 years. Just because someone is friendly and smiles at you does not necessarily mean they want anything else, just that they are being friendly. Lesson learned. You need to draw a line under this. You misread the signals. Accept that and move on. We all make mistakes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2020): Infatuation can be a painful process. You invest all your energy into thinking someone else feels the same way as you do and eventually you believe it.Perhaps you felt the recognition of childhood friendship and mistook it for romantic interest in you.This guy is married. He is not looking for a new wife.It's quite possible that you caused trouble in his household with your relentless messaging and quite possibly the wife returned a text or too.But her husband has done nothing to encourage you!You must let the matter drop and next time be aware that infatuation in a person can be very misleading because you want to believe that he is seeking romance with you when he is not.That's the truth of it.As soon as you accept that he is not interested in a romantic connection with you, then the problem is solved.Do not contact him at all!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2020): Thanks for your reply. You are right, it was very much of a window shopping. I saw him first time again yesterday after the rejection and initially he acted very awkward (that obvious kind of “I am going to pretend that everything is like normal” ) when I passed him by. I didn’t look towards him, basically just walked by and didn’t smile. Later that day I was sitting with my friend drinking coffee and he came there with his friends (pure coincidence) and sat at a table across ours. Again I ignored and made sure I only looked at my friend, not once towards him. He left but started walking by our table three times . This to me means only that he wants to be able to continue on with his life as normal even though this very embarrassing and awkward thing happened. I believe he also understood that î from that point on will no longer have anything to do with him when I ignored him.
I realize that by reading my story it may come across that it was just looks, just friendly smiles that we had. But he did lead me on.. The chemistry was undeniable and the reason it took me so long is basically because he never took any steps. The reason he never initiated was because he had to then justify his actions as a married man, hence the whole “window shopping” like you said.. This is just my strong sense: I know it wasn’t all in my head and I do believe that he was flirting, but he was boosting his ego only by being liked by a beautiful & decent girl. He wanted to keep it solely on a flirting premisses. And I destroyed that for him by asking for some answers. I know I should move on. That’s obvious. And I have, it just hurt my feelings because he meant a lot to me and I thought he really liked me.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (13 December 2020):
 Lady, welcome back to reality....
If NOTHING happened in 6 YEARS, there wasn't GOING to have anything happen.
Also you really don't know the guy, this was a lot of "looks and smiles" which means absolutely jack-shit in the big picture.
Think about it this way, you tried and got rejected. I know that stings and sucks but take this a lesson to not make such a mountain out of little mole hills.
He might just BE a friendly guy who likes to look at a pretty lady and smile at her. He might do that to ALL the pretty ladies.
I don't think he was overly harsh. He just shot you down because you didn't take a simple hint (well, probably because you can't read his mind....) It is what it is.
And that is NOTHING.
You didn't have some magical bond. Sorry.
You had made him into this fantasy character that felt something when he saw you. Obviously, he likes to smile a pretty ladies. It's "window shopping" for a taken person.
You took it as more.
Time to ACCEPT that no, there was no REAL magic here. You mistook a very flirty and friendly manner as interest in you and you DID ignore all the "negative stuff" such as... he never ONCE tried to ask you out. Or get your number.
Get back up, brush the rejection off and move on.
Stop wasting your time, energy and feeling on an unavailable guy. And for goodness sake... you are not in middle-school any more, don't WASTE 6 YEARS sending "look and smiles" thinking it means something special.
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