A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hey there.So I have been seeing this girl for 7 months now (in a relationship for 4 months). Around 2 months into seeing her she mentioned she had a Friend with Benefits that she stopped seeing when we started dating. Im completely fine with that.However, 2 weeks ago I found out that she still writes with him quite often (almost everyday) and I do find that a bit uncomfortable. I am being unreasonable for feeling like that or?
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male
reader, kenny  +, writes (14 December 2020):
 This is someone she has been intimate with, and has a past of a sexual nature.
You were led to believe that contact was cut when you started dating, but you somehow find out that she is still in contact with him. She writes to him, so whether or not this is going to materialise in to meeting up is anyone's guess.
The fact is the trust has been broken, trust is one of the most important contributing factors that bind a relationship together. And i would say that her still being in contact with as past lover is a major red flag.
I think you need to go with your heart feelings, i know i would not be happy with my partner writing/texting an ex lover.
This relationship is still in its infancy, so if you feel you can't trust her, or your not likely to trust her in subsequent months, now is the time to end things with her.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2020): Typo corrections:
"If she seems resistant to distance from him, she has feelings she's not divulging to you."
"You know how they're connected; so you'll always feel suspicious and insecure."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2020): You need to pump the breaks on this relationship; and have a serious talk with her about this guy. You haven't been together very long; and she hasn't really been separated from him long enough to completely purge him from her system. Thus, they still maintain contact.
Now is the time to reserve your feelings; until you get a better understanding of what her connection to this guy is at the present. If she seem resistant to distance from him, she has feelings she's not divulging to you.
If she can't seem to let him go to concentrate on what you two are trying to start; then you're the one who has to decide if this relationship is worth pursuing. Otherwise, this is going to turn into drama.
You know how their connected; so you'll always feel suspicious and insecure. Knowing what they're all about, you can't comfortably nurture a new relationship; when she's keeping continuously in-touch with the guy she was sleeping with up until only the past few months.
I think you committed too soon, and you felt compelled to rush things because you're competing with him! Now you're stuck, and want to tell her to ditch him; and you're very much afraid she won't; or will continue in-secret behind your back.
If she wanted to ditch him, that would have been done before she committed to be your girlfriend.
It's up to you to decide if this is worth risking your heart for. Make an adult decision.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2020): To me this seems sketchy. Fair enough if she wants to stay in contact every now and then with him - maybe he was a friend too. But ALMOST EVERYDAY!!!I think either she has feelings for this guy but he doesn’t feel the same. Or it’s the other way round and she just loves the attention from it. FWB usually always leads to one side having feelings. Since they are still talking all the time I guarantee that is what happened. But since she’s the one in a relationship/should be moving on but is still in contact with him a lot - I bet she’s the one with the feelings. If not she would have no need to be in constant contact with him. Let’s face it FWB are rarely actually true friends. I would let her know how you felt about the situation. Obviously you can’t tell her who she can and can’t speak to. But let her know your feelings. If she disregards them - then you have your answer. You two are not compatible. You can’t live your life in a relationship with paranoia over who she’s speaking to. That’s what it will ultimately lead to for you. I think this is dodgy.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (13 December 2020):
 You feel as you feel. Nobody can tell you that you are wrong to feel a certain way. What you choose to do about those feelings - go with them or ignore/suppress them - will determine how you live your life.
How did you find out your girlfriend and her ex were still in contact? Were you prying? If so, why? I would suggest, because you don't trust her. Without trust your relationship is dead in the water.
Did she tell you she had cut contact with him, or did you assume this because she said she was no longer seeing him?
This is a fairly new relationship so you are not losing much by cutting your losses and getting out if you don't feel this is what you want from a long-term partner. Trust your gut instinct.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 December 2020):
 I would just bring it up that you find it kind of uncomfortable that she is still in contact.
Would SHE want YOU to be in contact with someone you "just banged"?
I'd listen to how and what she says. If she is SUPER defensive and tells you that you don't trust her... Then I think YOU have to decide if you WANT to date someone who feels it's necessary to keep in contact with previous sex partners - cause HE isn't a friend. People don't DUCK their friends... And those who do... have some weird boundaries. Just saying.
It would be a total no-go for me. There IS no reason for them to be in almost daily contact.
I wouldn't TELL a partner they CAN'T talk to them, but I wouldn't want to be with someone with such flimsy boundaries and need for staying "friend" with a past lover.
For me, it's deal breaker, like cheating and lying.
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