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female
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anonymous
writes:My partner and wife split 3 years ago. The kids are 21 and 20. He did not wrong her, it just all broke down. He is a loving man and tries to be a good Dad but , as to be expected I suppose, has been receiving loads of hatred. They have been blackmailing him to give them everything (house, cars etc). It is a huge house. Up until now he said he would. He has nothing but his clothes and he is 45 years old. Silly softy?Thing is they have been so nasty and now his ex is seeing another man so the penny dropped and he finally sees that she likely will move on a be happy. Rich, living in the house he worked for since 15 years old, with another man who will have something too as he is similar age. It is right that he should have something to show for his life as he has nothing at the moment. Trouble is his girls just want to keep their home, which I understand too. He wants to keep control of a share of it which ex can buy out when she either remarries or gets her inheritance. Fair or what? I think his girls may not speak to him for years - how do you explain to them? Money vesus love. None of it fair but how do I help him have courage. He has to either be penniless while she lives the high life with her new man, but keep a little contact with the girls - or make this arrangement to keep a stake and get hate back.
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female
reader, penta  +, writes (28 August 2007):
 Sounds like she abandoned him a long time before he returned the favor. In addition to a lawyer, which is long overdue, I would recommend a counselor. He needs to know that he has a right to these things, which with a higher self-confidence, he would know.
He should also seek some family counseling with the children, or at least get them to come to the occasional counseling session with him. He needs to find a way to know that it's okay to be happy, and they need to find a way to wish that for him.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (28 August 2007):
 He's got absolutely nothing to lose and everything to gain by getting a lawyer involved at this point. Let the lawyer deal with it all that's why they get paid the big bucks and it will be less stress on him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, at the weekend he tried to talk to his wife and daughter about keeping his interest in the house but not selling it etc. The daughter said that "they" (the wife and two daughters)want THEIR money and if he went after what he considers his share he would never see her again. She has been completely consistant with that every since he left so I believe her. The STBE (soon to be ex)wife then went to find my partner's parents - the grandparents- who are staying nearby and shouted at them at length that it was all their fault, a logic that I can not compute. They told him that they now see why he left and want nothing more to do with her. His Mum said he should just get shot because his health profile makes him prone to heart trouble. She thinks if he fights for it, it will be terrible. I agree. I am so sad for him but I would rather have him alive and well than subjected to all this stress. He feels totally betrayed by his daughter now and can't see how he will ever be able to relate to her or have any faith in her. I feel that what she has done is far worse than him leaving. It is totally ruthless.
I am an educated person and I have the sense to know that wives seeking revenge through children is totally selfish and creates problems for them in later life. This horrible woman is a nurse, you would think she would have more emotional intelligence. Perhaps she is having a breakdown and her daughter is trying to limit thew damage. Who knows? I am thinking of other people and empathising over them when they would probably like to see me dead. I am trying to adopt the attitude of "Why bother, I am so lucky to be with him". Thank you all so much.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2007): The vultures circle round eh? A friend of mine is in a very similar situation to yourself and the advice I gave her was to give the ex wife plenty of space, space to demonstrate her own selfishness and bitterness so that your partner has a complete view so to speak. At the moment if you kick off every time something goes wrong your partner will only be hearing you and not her - he needs to see her actions for exactly what they are i.e. vengeful. Keep a close eye on things but don't detract the 'energy' of the situation away from the two people who need to just get on with it. the saying There is always a bottom line to these things - and I'm afraid its legal papework. Give his ex enough rope.... and she might just hang herself.
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female
reader, flower girl +, writes (24 August 2007):
 I understand it is very hard on his girls but surely at 20 and 21, they are old enough to stand on their own two feet, he deserves half of everything and that is what he should set out to get, once everything is sold or the wife buys him out if he feels that bed maybe he could offer the girls a deposit to put down on their own place.
Take care.xx.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (24 August 2007):
Right on Irish! I would like to add that He didn't Abandon he Separated from his wife after numerous pleadings. Sounds like her pride was hurt and that doesn't necessarily mean that she actually loved him. If she had she would of listened to him. He should feel nary a shred of guilt over this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2007): I agree with Eyes. Lives are turned upside down with divorce, aren't they. This is the harsh reality. Your boyfriend has an enormous say in whether how the family, marital assets are to be divvied up and I agree, if he is willing to wait for his share, of the cash value of this home until his ex wife remarries or gets her inheritance...then he is being more than fair. When I divorced, I had a nine year old and didn't have that choice. The divorce agreement stated that the house was to be sold and my husband gets his share, immediately. I bought another one in the same area, close to his friends and school, with my proceeds of the sale. My son was actually excited about the adventure of Mom and him, buying a new home, together. There are positive ways around this. It's so crucial that all involved, try to understand that the 'life' they had before in that house, is now done. It's time to take on new life paths. And as Eyes has said, the divorce laws and the judge will have the final say. His ex wife will have no choice. The children are adults and they need to understand divorce is ugly when it comes to emotional attachments to homes, unfortunately, this is the grim result. The daughters are old enough to begin making their own way in the world, finding their own places to live and this will likely take place soon. If the marital home is lost and the girls blame him and continue a legacy of hate on their father, it will be, in the end their choice. However, I don't see that happening. If he has been at all involved in their lives, and was a commendable father to them..they will find their way back to him. It might just take time. Emotions are raw and time to heal is required. If the ex wife is any type of person with love for her children, she would not get them involved in her feelings of distress over this. It's time to divvy it all up and both parents must move on with their own,individual lives.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhat happened was the marriage broke down to the point where they lived together but she would not be close to him in any way, except like brother and sister. He became very apologetic for existing, still is, and by the end had become very very large to the point where he was morbidly obese. He is not now, plus we are very much in love. It was not intially the fatness that was the problem, just to explain, she went off sex as soon as she had the girls, which was quite a long time ago as you can gather.....don't know how he managed. He kept trying to make it work and warning her how unhappy he was but she said she would try and never bothered. He left finally after all the warnings that she ignored and she was so shocked, "humiliated" she said. She said she thought they would grow old together and watch their grandchildren grow up. I think she did love him, but seems to have made a big point of tolerating his existence as a kind of control. He was totally miserable and depressed. Now the judgement is that because he ABANDONED them, he has to give them everything. I do feel sorry for his girls but I can't see how they think this would be fair on him.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (24 August 2007):
Well really, if the marriage just broke down why should he lose out on the house and assets? He should speak to a lawyer so he doesn't get ripped off by his very vengeful first wife. I mean the kids are grown after all, most couple would just put the house on the market and split the proceeds.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for responding. I valued your comments.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (24 August 2007):
He deserves to have half of the house. He should buy out the wife or she buy out his share. I'm sure the judge will demand it. Also any other assets should be divided in half as well as any debt. That is what the Divorce Court will say. He certainly should not walk away from it. His daughters will come around in time if he has always been a good Dad to them.
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