A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I know this is a common problem for men and a lot of the advice / replies posted to this are, well, less than helpful - so let me start by saying something REALLY important: I love my wife. We’ve been together for over 12 years, have a fantastic life together, enjoy each others’ company and are intimate quite regularly. This issue is not a deal breaker, I am not going to “find someone who loves it” and I am CERTAINLY not interested in making her do something she doesn’t want to.Also, while we’re on important: I don’t want to sound like I’m criticizing her. I’m not. I’m simply trying to be as descriptive about this as possible. Don’t reply saying I’m a selfish tool - I’m not. I’ve a very considerate, patient man who knows when it’s time to ask for advice.With all that out of the way, here’s the issue: My wife does not like cum. In fact, she doesn’t like bodily fluids in general - mine, hers or anyone else’s.She doesn’t like the feel, the texture and definitely not the taste. I’m not “allowed” to cum in her mouth, on her face, on her neck or on her shoulders. She won’t kiss me after I’ve gone down on her, either. Also, when we’re watching an adult movie (which she requests regularly) she closes her eye’s during the “money-shot” and physically winces when someone spits on their hand or partners’ “bits” for lubrication. I’d hate to think what would happen if she ever saw a “Water Sports” video!!If we’re messing around, she DOES quite enjoy having me squirt on her chest or arse, but as soon as “the moment” is over, I’m on immediate (and thorough) clean-up duty. Similarly when I cum inside her; immediately after we’ve both “finished”, she’s straight to the bathroom for clean up - sooner if there’s a break in proceedings.Once an appendage has been insider her (fingers, tongue, cock), it’s not “allowed” to come in contact with any other part of her body without a thorough wash. I’m OK to put it back where it was, but she wouldn’t hold my hand after I’ve put my fingers inside her, let alone anything else.Using lubricant for anything other than putting things inside her is also forbidden, which isn’t such an issue until there’s a vigorous hand-job involved. :-(We have discussed this with each other at length. She’s also made HUGE and VERY MUCH APPRECIATED efforts to get past it (including spending a couple of months consistently swallowing to try and get used to it), but to no long-term avail.As mentioned - for me, this is not a deal breaker; more of an annoyance than anything else (and yes, everything else in the relationship is fine, so there’s nothing else to “fix”). We’ve found ways around some things (flavoured condoms for fellatio, washing my face and brushing teeth immediately after cunnilingus, etc), but they’re inconvenient and break the mood. It also kinda stings to see her reaction to what is, ultimately, the most personal thing I can give her (and let’s face it, dry reaching is never sexy).I WAS HOPING for some considered advice on how to help her past her aversion. Ideas? Tips? Tricks (not deceptive ones)? Especially from someone who’s overcome the same issue. She’s keen to keep trying, but we’re at a loss for good ideas shy of professional therapy.
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a break, condom, hand-job, her past, lubricant, shy, squirt, swallow, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2011): she could try therapy, but really, trying to make yourself like something that you find disgusting...is a pretty tall order....imagine something that you find disgusting (doesn't have to be related to the bedroom). Now imagine that your wife wanted you to LIKE it. Not just to barely tolerate it while squirming with eyes shut, but to actually have the emotional reaction of liking it. it's like changing who you are or changing your personality.I'm sorry but since you've both tried a lot of thigns, and your wife has even made herself swallow for months to try and get used to it (I can only imagine it must have been torture for her), I think it's now up to you to just accept her the way she is and just not do those things that would make her uncomfortable.note: why are you asking how to help her to overcome her aversions, instead of asking how you can learn to accept and be happy with the limitations she comes with?
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (8 May 2011):
 Brilliant post.. thank you first for looking an the site for other advice given on this issue. You and your wife have worked very well together, compromising where you can, challenging your boundaries and being understanding where necessary. It would be a happy world if more people would work together like this.You do know her problem is hard wired. It's not dislike, but it's wrong in her mind because thats what she's been taught. That's caused by upbringing and almost impossible to discard because it was taught when she was very young alongside the basic lessons we are given for survival. It's instinctive in her. Hypnotherapy, as suggested below would help, but it seems a bit extreme for something which to her is very natural. Bodily fluids to her are dirty and she will never be comfortable with what you want from her. Her reaction is very normal and probably the attitude that most women have.I do hope other people who have managed to overcome this respond because you've done everything we normally advise and you both have had no luck. Try oral sex in the bathroom, the fluids wash off and maybe this will seem more clean to her.Sorry for the lack of advice, your both doing the right thing, but we oral sex is a personal thing. Many women and men hate it and as much as they try they don't find it arousing and it makes them feel uncomfortable and makes the experience unpleasant. Accept that, ask her to try sometimes, for the rest of the time do sex the way she likes best and call this the best compromise that you are able to get.
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A
female
reader, lovebird1  +, writes (7 May 2011):
Difficult topic.In my experience, discussing and over analyzing and trying to overcome such a thing doesn't work and just gets people focused on that one little thing that goes wrong. To tell you something personal, which I find interesting about cum, is that I like it sometimes, depending strongly on its taste. And it's taste is highly influenced by what you eat, drink or smoke.For instance, I can smell if a guy has drunk beer or eaten onions or cheese before and then it's gross. When I try my own uhm fluids I can also taste the same. But if a guy has drunken pineapple juice or eaten a lot of fruits or so, the cum also tastes a bit better and sweeter and I don't mind it. I also agree with person12345 that most women don't like cum in their faces, mouths and so on and this is mostly a porn thing you should accept as a rather unrealistic request. If a guy would ask me "can I come on your face" I'd be really upset and pissed of. It's not about the actual body fluid, it's just.. well, I don't know. Demeaning?! I wish you guys all the best for your marriage. And if you already tried so much well why not try therapy? I know you're shy about this but if you already made such an issue out of it you might as well take this further and treat it as a problem you both want to solve with joint efforts.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (7 May 2011):
 I know this isn't the answer you want to hear, but many (most even) find cum to be a fairly disgusting substance. Women frequently describe vomiting when trying to swallow it or take it in their mouths. It tastes like bleach and rotting veggies mixed and has the texture of snot. Some women love it, some will tolerate it, but many do just hate it. There is no way you will ever get her to like having it in her mouth. She will only resent you if you try.
As for having her own bodily fluids in her mouth? No one wants to be slimed when they kiss, but thoroughly washing your face and brushing your teeth is very excessive. It sounds a bit like she has some kind of "sex is dirty" mentality going on in that she wants to evidence thoroughly cleaned and scrubbed. I'd wonder if she had a very religious upbringing or something similar that would teach her that sex is dirty. She may need to talk to a counselor about that. It would probably also help if she made an effort when she's very aroused (either with you or on her own) to occasionally get a whiff of herself to associate that smell with happy feelings.
As for cumming on her face and watching men cum on other women's faces, well I'd imagine she finds it degrading. Sorry, but there's no reason anyone would cum on anyone else's face unless they wanted to degrade and humiliate them. It's basically the same thing as just spitting on someone's face. Why do you want so badly to cum on her body unless you want to basically "mark your territory" or show domination? It doesn't feel physically better to pull out, so that's the only reason you'd want to do that and I'd imagine that's why she doesn't want it done.
The washing thoroughly if you do cum on her body is obviously connected to the above with her own fluids. Even though it is very messy to be covered with that amount of fluid, it sounds like she has a much more visceral response than normal. Again, counseling would probably help her to realize sex isn't dirty.
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A
female
reader, ArtsyGirl +, writes (7 May 2011):
I think you have tried a great deal of things, and it is good you are so kind as to not want to force. And I feel a little bad for you, having to break the mood to clean up in the middle of doing the deed, though I'm glad you say your patient and this is not a big issue to you. So here are a few questions to ask yourself. Does she masturbate? If so does she clean up right after? If not then maybe see if she would mind giving it a try.Is she always washing her hands no matter what she is doing? She might just be a germ-a-phobe, but if she only dislikes bodily fluids then I suggest this.Talk to her about it killing the mood. Tell her you know it bugs her, but you would appreciate it if there was an easier temporary clean up you can do instead of going to the restroom to brush your teeth or wash your hands. Ask her why it bugs her and how it makes her feel when you touch her after your hand has been inside her without washing your hand. This might help you better understand and maybe relate it to something that bugs you.Also if she is WILLING to try maybe hypnotherapy, or even regular sex therapy? I am not very versed in this subject, so I can't help you a great deal, but I hope these will help you and your wife try and change this, or at least shed some new light on why she is like this.Cheers
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