A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My daughter has been going out with the same guy for over 5 years. They have spent nearly every night together at college and have always been best friend. They have been under a lot of stress lately and last weekend they got into a fight and he yelled at her that he wanted a break. I think she surprised him by saying fine and hanging up. She went into panic mode and called him and emailed him, but he won't answer and it has been a week. Last night I thought she was going to do something terrible. I told her not to contact him and she said she must have closure in the form of a conversation where they discuss what happened and decide to break up or not. This would be the respectful thing to do, but hewill not call her back. He did email early on and say he needed to sort things out w/no time table. She can't handle being kept on hold. I don't know how to help her. This guy has shown so many signs of instability.....he has few friends, when he is under stress he calls her terrible names and picks fights, he allows her to pay for everything and "take care of him" and does little in return, not even pay for a movie. I know I don't know the whole of it, and there must be something she is getting out of it, but I want to scream at her and tell her to wake up. I feel angry that he has used her so. She is a real go-getter...very involved in things, lots of friends, etc. She has included him in everything. It does seemt that recently he has made a few friends at his own school and now he is acting this way. This exact thing happened two years ago when he made a few friends and started with the name calling, not showing up, etc.Please tell me what you think about the situation and how do I help her without interfering.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2008): In defence of the posting I made below I must draw your attention to your own words
"she said she must have closure in the form of a conversation where they discuss what happened and decide to break up or not".
"This would be the respectful thing to do, but he will not call her back."
And
"I feel angry that he has used her so."
and yet you tell in your response to the post
"We were very kind to him."
Yet in the initial post you can say
"This guy has shown so many signs of instability.....he has few friends, when he is under stress he calls her terrible names and picks fights, he allows her to pay for everything and "take care of him" and does little in return, not even pay for a movie"... adding...
"This exact thing happened two years ago when he made a few friends and started with the name calling, not showing up, etc."
This is what my post was based on the inference that SHE said and SHE needed closure and the seeming formulation of an opinion and viewpoint about the guy based on previous historical actions.
As a result my words were not 'angry talk' for I have nothing to be angry about... However I take the point that they may seem cold, they may seem harsh and legally 'clinical' but for some people breaking up is a rational process and emotions simply don't come into it which if it is the case you simply only can only hope he will give you an answer and closure... However if this guy is as you describe it may be that your daughter will get no response(albeit I apologise for the post extrapolating this to the nth degree).
It would be useful to know what sparked the break up conversation incident.
As I said at the end
"In an ideal world break ups would be considerate and loving in the real world that never happens"
however unfortunately the loving person usually ends up getting hurt and is left wondering what they did or how, why or where, it all went wrong.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the insight. To the angry person who left post number six. No one said he had to talk to my daughter. We just hoped that after 5 1/2 years with her, maybe he would give her the courtesy of knowing what is going on with him. He actually had announced to us just recently that he would like to marry our daughter. We were very kind to him. So we are all reeling and sad and wanting to help her. That was all I was asking for. Your angry talk about what his "rights" are and restraining orders seemed sort of cruel in this instance. No one here has bothered him or tried to contact him in anyway. Our daughter reached out because she is in so much pain and he has been her best friend and support for a very long time.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2008): I disagree with the 'right to know approach' as if somehow he needs to give a reason for breaking the relationship off. He has broken no law, they were not married, not even engaged and as harsh as it may be he has the right to walk away any time he likes, to stop talking even to get an restraining order preventing your daughter ever contacting him again. He may have a moral or emotional obligation but you or your daughter can't force him to talk to her. In an ideal world break ups would be considerate and loving in the real world that never happens
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A
male
reader, yum yum  +, writes (11 October 2008):
 I am affraid that you need to interfere to a certain degree for your doughters well being. I think you should interfere by telling her the risk's that she could have if she continued on having a relationship with this guy however it is not easy for her to brake up since she has been going out with this guy for years. As a role of a mother I think you should just advise her once, at least then you can feel that you tried to warn her. I believe the reason why he does not give closure is because he wants to feel under control over your doughter. I also think he knows how your doughter is feeling because its obvious that she wants to know were she stands. You siad that he has shown many sighns of instability. In my opinion it is very likely that he could have a personalty disorder, usually people with a personality disorder come off as being HIGHLY manipulative. He also seems to profit off her by not paying anything.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2008): i agree with your daughter she does need to speak to this young man to understand better, id say face to face is better than email perhaps u could go along with her to wherever he is staying and wait outside while she goes to see him, its imortant to know if its over for good so she can move forward, all you can do is be there for her in person on the fone for cups of coffee lots of cuddles and shopping trips, i wish u lots of luck and hope this resolves itself, reading your letter and as a mum myself its possibly better that it does end but thats not for us to decide is it, just hope and pray for the right outcome xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2008): Whilst it is perfectly natural for you to stick up for your daughter, support her but don't be judgemental because it does take two to tango. Be a little more magnanimous and remember what you yourself were like when you were younger.
For I maybe wrong but I perceive that you don't (or have never) like this boy at all...well that is the way your post comes across. If that is the case resist the urge to say "I told you so" or have a smug sense of satisfaction, as she will already be feeling bad hurt and maybe have confused and conflicting emotions.
Oh and never try and use rational thought where emotions are concerned because fights and break ups lead all of us to regress to little kids (look at your own annoyance with your husband or partner and some of the immature responses you will have at times).
Above all this isn't your boyfriend, it is up to your daughter to work through her own feelings and deal with this. By all means give her your counsel and your experience, share with her any examples from your life... break ups are never easy and this is where she experiences the other side of Love, the scars the pain and the heartbreak then hopefully comes out a stronger person for the rejection.
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A
female
reader, lonely101 +, writes (11 October 2008):
It sounds like your daughter needs to wake up to the situation and realize that he's using her. However, as you said you don't know the full story. All you see is her side, not his and there may be something else going on here that they aren't letting you in on.
In all honesty there isn't a whole lot you can do to help her. You just need to be there for her when she needs you. If she comes to you and asks for advice, give it to her. But if you go to her offering advice, she's going to reject it.
I know that it's really hard not to do anything, but it's what's best right now.
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reader, kapowski  +, writes (11 October 2008):
It sounds to me like this guy needs to be left alone for sometime. I think that by giving him space, he's more likely to eventually come round and contact her when he's ready.It could be that he needs quite a lot of reassurance, and that means attention, negative or positive- or maybe he just needs to clear his head.As for not interfering I think the non-interfering way to help is to boost her self confidence in her own judgement, help her feel clear. Validate how she feels (It must be hard, how're you holding up). This let's people know that their feelings aren't stupid. Then maybe see if she wants just to talk about it. If she does, start just by listening rather than offering advice. Then maybe ask her, what does she want to happen. And importantly, what does she think are her responsibilities? (This is an open question) What obligations does she feel she has? If she doesn't, just let her know that if she does, she can. She may, she may not (it's quite difficult to let your parents in on your relationships. Everyone sometimes needs someone to remind us what we are responsible for and what we are not. A lot of the time I never wanted my parents to solve my problems for me, especially not relationship ones, but what I did want from them was the reassurance that I could work things out myself by believing in my own judgment, and being reminded what I was obliged to do or not to do.Best of luck.
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