A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I(24F) have been in a relationship with my boyfriend (23M) for three years and I absolutely love him to bits. We met whilst I was at university working in retail. I have now moved onto train to become an accountant whilst he still works there.When the first lockdown was imposed in March he was placed on furlough whilst I had to Work from Home. I noticed at the time that his mental health worsened and he seemed down but I put this down to the lockdown and the associated boredom and cabin fever as we only live in a one bed flat.However when it was lifted and he was taken off furlough but his mood didn't really improve very much. We're now in the middle of the second lockdown here in the UK and he is really low again. Also he took on most of the domestic duties whilst I worked in the first lockdown but in the second he insists that he does everything around the house (he's basically acting like he's my domestic servant and won't let me do anything).I decided to broach the subject with him over this weekend . He told me that it's clear seeing me do my job during the lockdowns that he's not good enough for me and that he doesn't know why I don't leave him. He is really down about his job and says that it's clear I'm going to have a career whilst he works in a shop bringing in very little money. He says that I get to speak to people who are a lot more interesting than him and that I will eventually kick him out for someone better. This is not true whatsoever I love him with all my heart and would die for him. He said that he is trying to prove himself useful to try and prolong the time we spend together before I dump him.When the lockdown ends I'm going to take him to the GP to see if there is anything they can do to help him. However clear that he needs a boost in self-worth as he has convinced himself that he is worthless which is the exact opposite and I know that I need to step up to the plate and help him achieve this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2020): Some are advising you to "send" your boyfriend to a therapist; but that's really his call. You can only urge him to see a doctor for a medical exam; and offer him your observations of the changes in his behavior, while explaining your concerns. It's up to him to decide what he wants to do about it. To say you are taking him implies you will force him to go, or will order him to.
I'd be very careful about overreacting to his pessimism and gloomy commentary regarding the fact you're going to leave him. I suggest you humor him, and just reassure him things are fine; and suggest maybe he just needs a checkup to see if this all stems from depression. Show a little more of your own vulnerability. Share your own thoughts and concerns about the shutdowns; and admit to your own feelings of insecurity about the stability of the economy, and uncertainty about everyone's employment during the covid-pandemic. He only needs to feel you're able to relate to his situation, he doesn't need pity. Pity would only affirm his feelings that you are looking down on him. Putting on a face that you're not bothered or troubled makes him feel you are oblivious to all that's going-on; or worse, not the least concerned! You don't need to pretend you're invincible or immune to job-loss! Who's absolutely sure about their jobs or businesses these days?
If you only live in a one-bedroom flat, that is very confining. It's no wonder he's losing his grip on reality and feeling so depressed. He's cutoff from normal stimuli and boxed-in. He can't possibly have much to do around such a small place; so naturally he feels useless. There will be a time when he'll have to be the bread-winner; because nobody is totally safe from losing their job! Everything that is occurring at this time is only temporary. He's one in millions undergoing the same troubles! Giving-up is not an option!
It's common for people out of work to start feeling discouraged and some self-pity. You shouldn't mother him, show too much pity, or cater to his insecurities. You have to remind him that he's not the only one suffering from the lack of employment caused by furloughs and shutdowns.
Life is a struggle. This is just one of many he will encounter over a lifetime. Too bad! Life doesn't promise happiness 24/7; and every working-adult will sooner or later lose a job. They simply have to seek a new one. Having a job doesn't guarantee you happiness; or that you won't be forced to go find another one.
At some point you will tire of his behavior. You can't make him happy, or undo his doom and gloom; and you shouldn't try. Be upbeat and encouraging; but it's not your job to be his therapist, or an around-the-clock cheerleader. Throughout his life he will undergo many disappointments, hardships, and setbacks. He better man-up and put-up; because this is what adult-life is all about! Therapists can't make people happy, they can't cure unemployment, and they can't make whiny-boys into men. If he has mental-health issues, a full medical-exam may reveal any underlying problems; and his doctor can make a referral, if necessary. Otherwise, he has to realize that sometimes our journey through life gets hard; but we all have to deal with it with maturity, and maintain some optimism.
Your job is not to convince him you aren't going to leave him; but to convince him his situation is only temporary, and he should keep-up the faith. He should be pro-active in applying for employment, he should make sure he is updating his curriculum vitae; and getting them out regularly. He should be networking through his friends and relatives; who might know of some job-openings. The world isn't standing still for covid; it is temporarily slowing-down to keep people safe, and to allow for those who are infected to heal.
If he lacks certain job-skills, or feels they're getting rusty; use this downtime to enroll in online-courses. He has nothing to make him feel useful and productive; so sitting around all day gives him too much time to feel sorry for himself. Hence, he feels at some point you're going to agree that he's useless. Over-reassuring him is not helpful, remind him things are slow now for obvious reasons. He's not a child, and does not require pandering or coddling.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (26 November 2020):
 You can't.
I know that is not the answer you were hoping for, but the truth is, YOU can not convince him of anything HE doesn't WANT to believe.
What I would say when he bring up the "you deserve someone better/richer/whatever"...I would say, I'm with you FOR you. Not for you money. Nor for you to be my house elf. If YOU are unhappy with where you are at career and otherwise, then YOU need to figure out where YOU want to go and I'll support you in that.
He needs to DO this for HIM. Not for you.
Don't promise that you will ALWAYS be there for him, because that is unrealistic.
Promises are important. So don't make any that you can't say 100% you will NEVER break.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2020): Never promise to always be there for someone, never promise you will love them forever. It is ridiculous. You cannot possibly know - for a fact - that you will feel this strong love you feel for him in ten years time. It could disappear sooner or later. Just as his love for you could. Imagine how you would feel if you make all of these promises and then one day you want to tell him it is all over. Not only would you be hurting him by ending it but you would also be showing him that you do not know your own mind, your decisions are unreliable, and he will never know where he is with you.Promising to love someone forever is the same as giving them permission to be any way they want. Would you still love him forever if he became violent? You have no idea of if he would ever change or be less of a pleasure to be with. You can only know that you love him in the here and now. Hopefully if he changes it is for the best but if it were the the worst then what? Never try to fix someone. Be his partner, his friend. Not his amateur out of their depth therapist. Sort out a therapist for him if that is what he needs and then leave it to the professionals. That way you don't get worn out with it all, he does not end up leaning on you too much, you do not end up resenting your new role in his life,of mum rather than partner, and he does not feel embarrassed about the help you try to give, feeling inferior to you, or blaming you for how it turns out.Sometimes it is better to do nothing and see things are not good than make them even worse. In the process of trying to be like a therapist you could ruin the whole relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2020): Get him some counselling, there are plenty of charities out there that offer online humanistic counselling, he needs to find his own self worth... himself... not from anyone else.
what about suggesting night school or giving himself a hobby, lots of night school courses for adults start in September and January, if money is a issue then many run free courses such as essential skills such as maths and English you just need to look online or call your nearest city college.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (23 November 2020):
 Your boyfriend's descent into mental unwellness is, sadly, typical of how many are feeling at the moment. This whole lockdown malarkey is affecting may people's mental health in negative ways.
It's sad but true that many (men most especially) believe their self worth is tied into the job they do. Ultimately you can only tell him you love him for who he is, a caring loving man (which it sounds like he is). You could be with someone who has a fantastic career and makes obscene money but who is unkind and uncaring towards you. That would not make you happy.
I'm sorry, I don't really have any advice as such. I just didn't want to read and run.
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