A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been single for 6 months now and quite recently I decided to use a dating app just to see how I will get on, I'm not particually looking for anything too serious but if it happens it happens, anyway.. I matched with this guy and we have been chatting, texting and having phone calls. We got along so well it was amazing, it felt like we knew each other for such a long time that our connection was remarkable. He works around the country and he was in my area for a few weeks, on his last night we decided to have a few drinks and chill out, he told me that he wasn't too bothered if we didn't have sex as so was I which was fine as it would have been the first time since I was intimate with somebody new again.As the evening went on we got close, and we got very intimate, it was good and I didn't have any regrets the next morning however, I haven't really heard from this guy and I'm now starting to doubt myself and I am having all these negative thoughts in my head about myself to as why he hasn't spoken to me much. I understand that people are busy as like myself but from chatting a lot to basically nothing I feel pretty sad about that even though I knew all along there was going to be nothing in it so to speakI've spent the last couple of days feeling down, not because I have strong feelings because I hardly know him like that but I think it is the disapointment I have in myself for letting him in so easily. I feel embarrassed as he was the first partner since my ex so I feel confused and in a way shameful as I'm not usually the type of person to just get intimate and sleep with men I hardly know on a first encounterIs it normal to feel this way? Why do I feel so down on myself, like I feel guilty in a way? Some advice on how to handle this situation and this guy would be extremely helpful please
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2020): You hoped that if you got on well and slept with him it would turn into a relationship - and it did not pay off.You were far too quick to give yourself to him. What was the point anyway if he would be travelling around most of the time? Even if it had paid off you would hardly ever see him and he would probably be trying it on with other women as he moves around.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2020): Most women need to learn - and remember - that to a lot of guys sex is just about pleasure and getting a release and they would happily do that with just about any woman.The one who is in the same room as them and saying yes will do. It has nothing to do with friendship, romance, building a relationship, it is just about getting what they want now. Then they think you are a slut and too easy and probably do that with lots of guys. Why would they contact you again or take you seriously?If you want a proper relationship take things slowly, make them wait for the sex, make sure they are worth it first.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2020): I meant to say:
"You have to let this go, there is no reset button. It is what it is."
P.S.
He's just passing through the ongoing-journey of your life. Don't give him that kind of power over your feelings. Many will come and go in a life-time. We learn a little something from everyone who touches our lives. You can't let people have the power to shame you, or to destroy your confidence. He's not worth all that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2020): For some people sex is just another means of pleasure; while for others, it is a way to draw closer to someone they strongly care for. It is an expression of their love and affection. Desire is a powerful impulse; and sometimes we simply surrender to it. Thereby disregarding and bypassing our principles and core values, for the sake of a moment's pleasure.
Don't look at those feelings you have as guilt. It's simply your built-in sense of responsibility, reasonable conduct, and character; reminding you who you really are and what you truly stand for.
Under normal circumstances, you expect more of yourself; and set higher standards for those you invite into your life. You've learned from past pain and injury. Your past disappointment with a failed-relationship has tempered your impulses; to keep you balanced and more self-aware. You used to be more entuned to the needs and happiness of your ex. You invested a lot to make him happy; only he let you down and you didn't get a full return. This guy just gave you a flashback! He got what he wanted, but left you still expecting something. At least acknowledgement!
Now you are more aware of what you want, what you need, and what makes you happy. In general, you don't prefer things to be quite as casual as this encounter; maybe because you've raised standards for both yourself, and anybody you become intimate with. His failure to stay connected only woke-up your better judgement; his evasive behavior has insulted your wounded-sensitivities leftover from the last relationship. You only feel bad, because you allowed yourself to be vulnerable. Topped with the social-conditioning of a double-standard of how women must behave as opposed to men.
The feelings of guilt will pass. You know what's right for you, and your convictions about love and respect are strong. It's not that you are condemning yourself for the sake of shame; you feel you fell below your own personal-standards. Hello...been there, done that! That's why I understand those feelings. They are not exclusive to women!
Let the feelings pass. Live according to your own sensible-standards, values, and strong principles. You are human, and from time to time you'll slip or stumble. You run into people whose behavior will make you question your own judgement. He simply doesn't want to feel obligated to have to see you regularly. He's not into you to that degree. You have to let this go, there is no replay button. It is what it is.
Sweetheart, you'll be fine. Your inner-convictions just gave you a little kick in the butt. You'll handle things differently in the future. You attach emotion to sex, it's not just a primal-instinct. You expected a better response than he is willing to offer. Move on, don't allow him to take anything from you. Your principles and values are still fully intact, they were just a little compromised; because you were lonely, and you're a human being.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2020): As the previous poster said, you're feeling down because you realized that this type of thing is not for you.We have to test our boundaries to know where they are.This is not only true for kids, but for adults too.Now you know.Some test could be done only by thinking about it or talking it through with someone (a friend, family or a therapist). Others can't. Considering the example you gave, you have to take into account your own upbringing or any preconceived ideas about what's right that you may have picked up along the way.Did you have a good time with this man?Did he treat you well?Did you treat him well?Was the sex consensual?Was it safe?Then why feel bad?It was a GOOD experience. You only learned that it wasn't for you.If you had some expectations, now that's something you should work on. The guy was an open book from the start. Any other expectations you may have had are only your projections and you need to deal with them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2020): For all you know this guy has a wife or serious girlfriend and just hooks up with a willing victim here and there as he travels around. Once he has chatted you up and got sex off you why would he stay in touch? I reckon he would contact you again if he thought he would be in the area again and you would be a useful bunk up again but otherwise he is concentrating on his life and chatting up women who live in the areas he is due to go to next.
How do you know it was safe to have sex with this guy? He might have passed on a disease. How do you know you are not pregnant?
Think more before you trust people and act.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (24 November 2020):
 Honey, you "hooked up" with a guy who travels all over the country, that should have raised a red flag. The whole " a girl in every port" kind of thing.
Why do you think he uses this app? Because he can find willing women where ever he is!
So what to do? Well, chalk this up to a lesson.
Lesson 1. You are not looking for casual or hook ups. Most likely because you think sex SHOULD mean something, it should be SHARED with someone you WANT to be with, you want to get to know.
NOTHING wrong in that.
Lesson 2. Own your actions. You kinda knew this would go nowhere and you wanted to scratch an itch. Then afterwards felt guilty because you FEEL like you have better values and standards than "hook up sex" or a one night stand.
Nothing wrong with that either.
Lesson 3. You can't change the past after the fact. You did what you did, now accept it and either DO better in the future or be OK with casual sex.
Maybe next time just STICK to going on a date but don't have the sex.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2020): OP you have just learnt one of life’s many many lessons. You are not a casual sex type of person and should wait before having sex with a man. Don’t be embarrassed or ashamed instead take it as a lesson learnt. You are not that type of person and that’s ok. Some people can sleep with others Without shame or embarrassment and others can’t. It all depends on your values. If you value sex as an intimate act between a couple in love and a special thing between two people then you are more likely to attach negative feelings after having sex without love and commitment. If you see sex as a fun act based on physical attraction and less on emotional attachment then you are more likely to attach positive feelings to non committal sex. Neither are wrong - it’s just a personal choice. Unfortunately for you, it seems that this guy has now had sex with you and now feels there is nothing else to explore. So has lost interest. Forget about him completely as he is not worth your time and effort. Now you know next time to take it slow and make a man work for your body. The negative feelings will fade and it’s a lesson most people learn. You want to be more than a piece of meat to a man so just make sure you stick to your values. Trust me this will soon be a distant memory of the time you did something that’s not for you - lesson learnt!
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