A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm currently deployed in Afghanistan and I spoke to my boyfriend yesterday and I could tell there was something seriously wrong so I asked him and he told me he'd been beaten and raped by 3 guys last Saturday. He's been to hospital and reported it to the police but he's in pieces. I've asked for leave but I doubt I'll get it as I can't really tell them why I want it and I'm going home in 5 weeks anyway but I might get sent home early (you never know). I only get to call him once a week and so I'm sending him an email (rubbish i know but what else can I do).What should I tell him other than that I still love him and that it changes nothing between him and me. He doesn't have a great relationship with his family and his friends would be pretty insensitive so he doesn't have anyone to talk to. I'm feel helpless and like I'm a bad girlfriend. What can I do to help him as we've been together for 6 years and I was going to ask him to marry me when I got back and I love him more than anything. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2009): there are several things he can do.
First he can report it to the military through his SAPR office. www.sapr.mil for more information.
Secondly he can contact the Military Rape Crisis Center, a veteran run organization that helps survivors. They can be reached at www.stopmilitaryrape.org. They are really great and unlike SAPR they are not paid for by the Army so you will get genuine help from them and not "be in the best interest of the Army. You can contact them to because they have an entire friend/family support group and all.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2009): Has he spoken to anyone at a rape crisis center? Do they have the memory drug...I cannot remember what the name of it is, but there is a drug that they give victims of horrific experiences that erases memories..he might be a good candidate.
Let him know you love him, that's all you can do and don't pity him, guys hate that!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2009): What an awful thing to happen to someone. What is wrong with the people that do these things! Im so sorry to hear about your boyfriend. There is absolutely NOTHING to be ashamed of here, so please dont go down the route of feeling you cant talk about it. Explain to your powers that be, give them the crime number as suggested and try to get home early.
In the meantime ask if you can have more than one call a week and ask your boyfriend to talk to Victim Support and see if they can help him asap. If your boyfriend doesnt have a good relationship with his family and wont tell his mates, he will need you. Having said that, doesnt he have one friend hes closer to than the others, that he can talk to? My partner was sexually abused as a boy and his best mate from childhood was devastated when he found out years later. Not because of what happened to my partner so much as the fact that my partner had never told him or gone to him for help when it happened. So dont discount all of his mates. Or family for that matter.
The effects of rape can be long reaching, profound and your boyfriend may never be the same as the guy you left when you went away. Be prepared for that. While you are waiting to go home, read up everything you can find on the subject of male rape as knowledge is power, even in a sad situation such as this. The more you know and understand, the more you can help him. All the best to you both x
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (8 December 2009):
If he's been to the police then he will have a crime reference number.
If you tell him that your boyfriend has been badly attacked and give your welfare officer or troop sergeant that number he will be able to get it passed along.
They will be more understanding than you think.
As for how to look after your boyfriend, there is not a lot you can do. Just let him talk to you on the phone and tell him you are working on getting home.
When I was mugged and my husband was in Iraq he said he felt so useless. Talk to your welfare officer or someone above you that you trust and don't drive yourself insane over this. You'll be home soon.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (8 December 2009):
That's terrible, and I am sorry for both him and you. First of all, you're not a bad girlfriend and anything that happens from now has nothing to do with you. I say that, because I had a friend who was raped, and clearly I felt bad that I wasn't there to protect her. But feeling bad isn't the answer at all. He wont' want you to feel bad, because he'll end up feeling worse. I think your army superiors would understand more if you did tell them what was happening. That way, it will make everything a lot easier for you. He must get counselling to be honest, and just keep emails going, they will mean more that you think. Don't push him into talking, he'll clam up, but just make it known you're there as his girlfriend if he wants to talk. When you get back, it will feel awkward, but all you can do is reassure him you're there for him if he want to talk about it. That's all you can do. Though he will need you to be there, he does have to face this himself. Just be there, don't pressurize him into talking and also be aware that his sex drive will have hit the floor, and the he may not want to be touched. Don't take it personally. You're not a bad girlfriend at all. Stay strong for yourself, be there for him. You'll get there.
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