A
female
age
41-50,
*lutton4Punishment
writes:Hi, ya'll-My heart is too beaten up to date right now, even though I am desperately lonely. I'm 35, would love to meet and marry someone, and pop out a kid.What are some things for me to do to heal myself? And what should I do in the meantime to keep myself busy?(P.S. I got out of an emotionally abusive four-year relationship, then tried dating again. Met a guy I really liked, but he mentioned another chick on our first date, then he didn't call for weeks ... when he did, it was last minute and felt like a booty call. I give up.)Thank you for any feedback you can provide!
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booty call, emotionally abusive Reply to this Question
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male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (16 September 2009):
 Try and first focus on yourself. Under these circumstances if you need counseling, there are plenty of abused womens counseling groups all around the country. Try and get in touch with them to get some support.
Abusive relationships can be emotional and physical. Before you can start dating again you have to feel secure about yourself, and once you're at that point, you can heal over the relationship that just ended.
The second thing is, try and define parameters or set down rules about what kind of guy you want to meet. It sounds like you had an idea about that, as with this guy you talked about, the minute he mentioned an ex, you wanted to run.
So we know that's one issue you want to avoid. What you want is a guy that's ready to date, like you, and presents good prospects.
After that its a matter of taking your time to get to know the kind of character inside the new guy is. In other words you want to know who's inside that guy, not just the superficial stuff.
You shouldn't rush to sex yet. If you want to meet someone and then have a child, make sure its the right guy for you.
You don't want to be hooked up with a repeat of your last relationship, you want a guy that's going to be good to you and good for you.
So the real answer is more than just what to do to heal, but think ahead about what you want to do to find the right man for your life. That's also part of the healing process.
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (16 September 2009):
 When you say booty call, did you give up booty the first date? Reason I ask, giving it up quickly, not even the first date but within the first few, sets the boundaries of the relationship around sex, so it's harder to see if they are there for you longterm or if they are wanting what you have to offer.
Emotional abuse can be one of the most difficult to get through. I was in one myself, with someone who had an abrupt anger abnormal personality disorder. A book written about it, "I hate you, don't leave me." I found this site during the worse part. I spent almost 6 months 85% in bed.
Even though we can come to terms with the fact that some people are just not good to be with, and that it doesn't mean we did anything to instigate it, we still get affected by the experience.
You're absolutely right by wanting to keep busy during this. Allowing yourself to get back out there, socializing, and realizing not all guys are like your ex. Also look at the behaviors which led up to the abuse. You must have been attracted to him at some point. The problem with going right back out there is being attracted to characteristics which may be well known through out those who mentally abuse, and falling for the same type of guy.
Whenever you do something small that is an accomplishment, start complimenting yourself. When you look good and you know it, give yourself a compliment. You need to start getting your sense of self back that was lost during this. And accept when someone else gives you a positive compliment as well, without denying it. Even if just messing around, to seem not stuck on yourself for agreeing with compliments, and you might say, "that's not true" or "thanks, but I know different." What you're dong is training your mind into that difference. What you keep repeating to yourself is what you begin living.
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