A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:What to do when the father of my baby wants to see her after shes born?? I am now 20 weeks pregnant and alone. The father left me for dead and I havent heard boo from him. I have accepted the fact that Im going to be a single parent. The father is an alcoholic and a deadbeat father. Yes. I know, not the best choice but i have to live with that now and do the best I can with what ive got. I dont really want him around but I also believe that a father should be involved if they genuinely want to be there for their child. Im thinking about telling him when baby is born then it will be up to him wether he wants to see her or not. And then thinking he can see her while shes with me but thats about it. No overnight visits. I dont trust him so half of me is saying just to not let him know anything but the other half is telling me he has the right to know.Whats the best way to go about visitation with him and his family without causing world war III. Maybe I should just say if u want to see her u have to come to my house and it has to be once or twice a week on certain days. no taking her overnight. and he has to be sober. I want to be fair but at the end of the day if I dont feel like he can be trusted I will go to court and sort things out that way. after all he doesnt give a shit now while im pregnant so why should he be able to lay the law down after babys born. I dont think so. I can just feel Im going to have a battle on my hands. I need to get stronger.
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female
reader, Ms. Cookie  +, writes (4 May 2013):
He will never be genuinely wanting to be in his childs life UNTIL HE gets sober.Its like wanting the tooth fairy to be real. Don't give him the option...make it for him. Like the others said before me, prepare for court. Your childs safety is crucial. Be the adult.
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (3 May 2013):
 It sounds like you've made your peace with the choices you made and I do feel badly for your situation. Reading your post, I am very concerned for you and I am not 100% sure what you are looking for in terms of answers.
You may be delusional in thinking that you can establish the rules and expectations. More than likely this is NOT going to be the case and if he takes any interest in the child, he is going to want to establish a rapport with her beyond your control. Yes, he sounds like an unsavory character, but at the same time, she is part of him and he will likely have access to her regardless of your wishes and wants and whether he was active in supporting you during your pregnancy.
If you are serious about informing him that he is going to be a father, I suggest you have ready access to a lawyer to establish visitation and child support. I am not sure what the laws are in your country, but I imagine he is going to have some rights as well. To get your wishes (assuming he wants to play a role in his child's life in the first place) you are going to have to go to court. I would also expect a fight on his end.
Finally, I am glad you are thinking of putting your child's welfare first in protecting her from him, but do realize he may insist on having a place in her life. I think your pregnancy is only half of the upcoming battle.
Good luck
Eddie
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2013): "Im thinking about telling him when baby is born then it will be up to him wether he wants to see her or not."
OP that's okay as long as you make it clear you will not have him just float in and out whenever he wants. He either makes a commitment to regular contact and being a father or he doesn't get access. He doesn't just get to come over and then disappear for months, then come back expecting to play happy families again.
First things first though Op you need to go see a solicitor, you need to get educated on all your options and you need to make sure you have the upper hand from the start.
You are going to have to go to court and you know it, you know this is going to be a battle so be prepared for war and have the best weapons at your disposal before the first shot is fired.
It's not about strength OP, it's about knowledge. Knowledge is power.
OP do visitation through the courts. If you and he are going to fight then having you present when he visits the kid is going to be a nightmare, courts will organize supervised visitation. Plus if he breaks any of the conditions of visitation or turns up drunk, it won't just be your word against his and he can't make it seem like you're using the child against him or something.
Keep all visitation official and above board and that way if he doesn't comply with the conditions then you can very easily and with official proof stop that visitation.
Get legal advice OP, it's worth the money you spend on it and it will cost you less in the long run if you are ready for anything he tries to pull.
Find some divorcee forums from your country OP, I know there's one for Irish women where women share all the tips and tricks for getting around laws and finding loopholes when it comes to custody. I know you're not a divorcee but they will still have the knowledge of those tricks, stuff that even lawyers may not think of. Find people who have gone through it OP and find out all the sneaky, devious yet perfectly legal tricks to help your cause.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (3 May 2013):
 First of all I'd speak to him now and ask him what he wants to do once the baby is born. Ask him whether he will want to see the child, or if he doesnt plan on being part of her life. Be nice about it, give him the choice of being in her life or not and dont mention visitation at that point, just ask what he would like.
If he does say that he wants to be involved then I'd speak to a solicitor. You cant really just lay down conditions on him unofficially, you need it to be a legally binding document so you have a leg to stand on if it ever gets to court.
So explain your situation to a solicitor/lawyer and see what they have to say. I'm no custody expert so cant really advise, but you should be able to draw up a contract that you both sign to agree how often he sees her, where he sees her etc.
Keep it very civil with him, dont get angry or upset - simply give him a choice and see what he says. Once you know what he wants to do, then you can take it from there but make sure you see a solicitor and get legal advise to make sure you have a solid custody agreement that he cant get out of.
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