A
female
age
30-35,
*uddles
writes:My partner and I were together for 6 years we aren't together anymore but remain close friends and still very much in one another's lives. When we were together she let me down a lot, she would lie, she cheated once, she would disappoint me as she wasn't as romantic as much as I would have liked her to be and her opinion was 'thats me, take it or leave it'. I took it as I loved her and at times she did go out of her way to make me feel loved which was enough. We broke up this year but she lets me down all the more now and I feel she doesn't value my feelings at all. She will say things now then just change her mind or plan something at the last minute and just expect me to drop everything, the latter is my fault for doing it but as I value her as a person I don't want to say 'forget it'. It feels as if im forced into this corner and when I explode its seemingly all my fault? Besides saying forget it and walk away what am I suppose to do? I do try talking about the situation and all I get is, I am ruining everything and making a drama out of it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2019): The only way you can handle your frustration is to no longer care whether she hurts you or not. Which means that your feelings for her have to die. They will not do so whilst you are holding on. Do you realise that it is likely that she treating you in the worst fashion she can think of (letting you down at the last minute etc etc) because she is trying to get you to leave her alone? She thinks 'If I keep shitting on him and our plans, he'll give up and go.' But you don't. You want advice on how to handle being treated like a piece of shit and being ok with that. If you have any self respect you would not want to know how to be able to handle being treated like that and still be happy. Because not only is it incredibly demeaning to you (she probably tells her friends, 'I dropped him at the last minute the other day and he's still hanging around me!')but it CAN'T work. No-one is ok being treated badly by someone they love (or anyone come to that!). They need to find the back bone and the self respect to walk away. I have done it and so have countless others. It doesn't kill you, you know. When you get out from under her spell, you will wonder what on earth you put yourself through all that for. Please wake up and see that she doesn't care about you. Please realise that there are plenty of people out there who will care about you and reciprocate your feelings. All the time that you are holding on to her, they are passing you by.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2019): Your plan for a backdoor-roundabout reconciliation may have backfired. You claim to have broken-up with your girlfriend; yet you've maintained a friendship with someone you've described as follows:
"We broke up this year but she lets me down all the more now and I feel she doesn't value my feelings at all."
Explain why you want to maintain someone as a friend that you broke-up with for these reasons:
"When we were together she let me down a lot, she would lie, she cheated once, she would disappoint me as she wasn't as romantic as much as I would have liked her to be and her opinion was 'thats me, take it or leave it'."
You're prolonging your agony, and you're torturing yourself by clinging to someone who apparently doesn't really love you. You're infatuated, if love isn't being reciprocated; so you've got to convince yourself to end it and let go completely. You can't force people to love you, just because you insist that you love them. You don't breakup a relationship; and then make friends of people who treat you badly.
You're hurt and holding-on, hoping and waiting for her to change. Meanwhile, you're miserable. She gave you the option to take it or leave. You can't change her, so what are you holding-on for? Stop saying because you love her. You haven't described anything to love her for. You haven't given any sensible reason to hold-on to her either.
Sweetheart, resolve yourself to end the relationship once and for all.
Give yourself time to detach and break-free of the emotional-dependency. Don't fear being alone; or try to trap her with friendship to keep her from moving on. She was done with you before you broke-up. You just won't accept that.
I guess when you're tired of holding-on and being hurt; you will finally let her go. She's toxic for you, and if you're too addicted to the drama to move on; seek a little therapy and counseling to find out why you're still punishing yourself over that woman.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (7 October 2019):
 I think the problem here is very clear that YOU are expecting things that are never going to happen. You know her better than any of us on this website, she was VERY honest with you when she said ‘This is me, these are my behaviours and flaws, take it or leave it’ and you took it, so what were you hoping for exactly? That she would have magically changed overnight?
If she wanted to change to be a partner, when you confronted her she would of took things on board and actively changed her behaviours but to be frank she doesn’t really care and that’s obvious by the fact that she kept on as she was doing even though she knew it was hurting you.
Can you tell us why exactly you’re staying in each other’s lives? You had 6 years of a relationship that didn’t work and now you’re trying to force a ‘friendship’ which to me doesn’t sound like one at all. I can honestly say I don’t have any friends who stress me out on a regular basis and tell me that I’m ‘ruining’ things if I confronted them. What are you getting out of this situation? She just runs you ragged and you take it, where’s your self respect? To be honest I wouldn’t even call what you have a friendship as from what you’ve described to us you’re getting no positives at all out of it.
Stop wasting your time and both just end things for good and move on with your lives.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (6 October 2019):
 You have to love people who get into a relationship with someone who doesn't "tick all the boxes" and think they can change them into what they want them to be. Sweetheart, it only happens if the other person WANTS to change and, even then, it doesn't always work out.
Whilst your ex's statement about being how she is may be a bit blunt and undiplomatic, it is, nevertheless, completely viable. It is also completely true that YOU have the choice of whether to "take it or leave it".
As I see it, you have 3 choices going forward:
1. You can carry on as you are doing, hoping she will be the sort of friend you want her to be and being constantly disappointed.
2. You can accept she is NEVER going to change and the only factor in this equation that you can change is YOU, i.e. stop taking to heart what she does and says and just shrug and go with the flow.
3. Turn around and walk away if you don't feel the friendship adds anything good to your life. Nothing wrong in doing that if the relationship gives you more grief than anything else.
None of those choices involve your ex changing. It's down to you to decide what is right for YOU.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (6 October 2019):
 I think you both need to accept that it DIN'T work out and let each other go.
I get that you were with each other for a long time, but that doens't mean you need to try and stay in each other;s lives.
You can still VALUE her as a person, but keeping in contact and rehashing the past over and over, isn't going to help you two to move forward.
And let's not forget. at some point EITHER of you will find someone else and what then? Would you want to date someone who carries around the "baggage" of a ex as a friend? And the old drama that get carried along with it.
One thing I will say, she is right when she said, "that's me, take it or leave it". THAT is who she is. You wanted her to change FOR you, and while it CAN happen - it ONLY works if the other person WANTS to change. SHE didn't. She was OK with the level of affection she "gave" out.
You two weren't a good fit anymore. You still aren't. Not even as friends.
I think she is playing on the fact that you STILL like her a lot, to get you to say:" How High?" when ever she says:" jump."
It's uneven, OP
LET her go. Make NEW friend whom you are and were never romantically or intimate with.
And have some backbone, OP
Don't let her walk all over you. You don't OWE her that because you once dated. If you feel cornered don't explode, but step back, excuse yourself, take a little "time out" from the conversation.
But really, I would echo the other aunts and say, WISH her well, tell her you need to go no contact and work on yourself and YOUR life, then block, delete and move forward.
Don't keep someone in your life who brings out the worst in you.
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (6 October 2019):
 The solution seems to be simple as stated by her previously "that's me, take it or leave it". She had no loyalties towards you as your partner and she certainly doesn't have any towards you now. There is a huge part of you that still wants her to care and you want her to try but she isn't the type to care and she isn't the type to want to try. Especially since you guys aren't together anymore, I think that it's better for you to let go of all expectations and let go of her. You guys are no longer together and your expectations of who you'd like her to be is what's destroying you and not the fact that she just is who she is. Often times, the key to honouring ourselves is to let go of what and who isn't meant for us. You need to let her go. Completely.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (6 October 2019):
 While you and she were part of a couple she lied, cheated, disappointed you and didn't really care for your opinion.
Why are you expecting her to suddenly become a better person now that you and she are no longer a couple?
This is who she is, she is not going to change, so you can either accept it or not. I know this is not what you wanted to hear, but if you were my daughter I would be urging you to walk away, and delete, block and move on.
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