A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So, this will probably sound a little pathetic since I'm a grown woman and not a teenager, lol...but here we go. There's a girl my age (27) that I grew up with; we were good friends off and on through elementary/middle/high school, and then, in college, we became what we considered each other's best friend. Other friendships came, fizzled, and went, but ours never did. Even when she moved out of town, we still hung out all the time. She moved back, we rented a house together in our hometown for about six months before I made my own move out of town...and we still continued hanging out all the time.Fast forward to my wedding, which was in 2015 (two years after I left town). In addition to the best friend, my cousin was one of my bridesmaids (she's 24, and we've always been close). During the wedding planning process, the two of them became close. I had no problem with this, because we would still all hang out together and individually all the time. Then, the cousin got busy with college (and also had a baby, lol) and didn't come around as much, and me and the best friend just carried on like normal.Fast forward again to now. Over the last year, I feel like my friendship with both of them has been kind of strained. I was a bridesmaid in the best friend's wedding in March of 2018 and will also be a bridesmaid in the cousin's wedding in January. I had a baby back in May, and a month before that, the two of them threw me an awesome baby shower (even though my sister-in-law had already planned one and said they could be hostesses, they asked me if they could do one on their own). So, I am still included in the big stuff...but what bugs me is that I don't feel included in the little things -- dinner after work, weekend shopping trips, that kind of stuff. Basically, all the stuff that we used to do together, the best friend is doing with the cousin. I do invite them to do things, but it seems like invites never come from the other side. I moved back to our hometown shortly before I got pregnant in 2018, and even though we're all just miles away from each other, I feel like I'm nowhere near as included as before. The best friend's husband and the cousin's fiance are both football coaches and good friends with one another, while my husband works out of town, has barely ever met the other guys, and is not exactly the socializing type, lol...so, I'm obviously not expecting to be invited on double dates or anything like that...but I'm having a hard time with not being included in girls' nights like I used to be. We haven't had any big. dramatic falling out or anything, it's literally like they kind of just started hanging out together and stopped hanging out with me. I really hate to use the term "ghosted"...but that's exactly how I feel. I want to ask them what's up, but I also don't want to sound like some pathetic teenager, lol. Any advice on how to figure it all out?
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2019): That is why it its not good to mix cousins with your friends. Family can talk bad about you with others since they seem to look like they know more about you since they are family. This can make it seem like the things that they say about you that are not true to seem to be true. Your cousin might have made a comment about you that she shouldn't have said and twisted it. It can be something as simple as saying a comment for example "Oh she always does.... She always says... She still does that, she would do that as a kid...etc. Can cause some distrust with your friend toward you and make you look incompetent and less put together than who you truly are. Your cousin looks like a greedy and sneaky person. To tell it like it is, your cousin stole your best friend from you. Don't let people tell you, you are just growing apart. People will use that conventional excuse when there is actually more to the story. People do things with intentions and your friend and cousin ignoring you is a large red flag. Trust your gut feeling. It could be true something is going on. I have had experiences like this before. My cousin ruined my life with everyone I know. I don't talk to her or anyone in my family anymore because of her. You need to find a way to win your friend back if you really want to. But don't use the manipulative tactics your cousin did because then you would stoop to her level and you are the better person.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2019): I know you're afraid of seeming pathetic but I'd really just advise you to tell them how you feel. Either they'll realise they've been forgetting to invite you, out of habit, or you'll find out if there really is a problem. There's nothing pathetic about being honest about your feelings, we just think there is because being vulnerable scares us. Is it really so bad if they know you feel left out?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2019): Aw, are you a little jealous? You have to remember that your friend and cousin have husbands who also share a common-interest and occupation; so that brings them closer together as coach's wives. Forming a special bond. While you were away, their friendship grew closer; and they may share a common-spirit, and have more compatible personalities. Thus, they may spend more time together. Sometimes it's easier traveling in pairs.
People change and their feelings may change. I understand your spirit of unshakable loyalty; because I am just as dedicated to my lifelong friendships. I had to accept that I won't get invited to every party and gathering. I had to accept that sometimes feelings can shift from me to others within our circle. I try to remain stable and reliable, and everyone knows they can count on me. I let my loyalty and character speak for itself. When I feel underappreciated, I move on.
I guess as I've grown more mature, I've grown to accept how people you love can let you down. Afterall, we're all human and capable of doing the very same-thing when a sequence of events intervenes or changes in our lives. I'll admit, that even my feelings will shift to those friends who are there for me in a crisis; even though I've known others longer.
Some people just have a way of pulling you in closer; because they can reach a different place in your heart that no-one else has. Although you may have been besties with another friend for years! It shouldn't be something you flaunt, nor should you keep it secret. You keep it in proper perspective and everyone remains adults. No-one should feel undervalued.
Besties sometimes find new besties. That's life! It's not a marriage! They may really enjoy each others company, and don't always include the third-wheel...namely the old bestie! I know how it feels, because it has happened to me as well. Some folks become extremely jealous, and feel betrayed; or as though their friend was stolen from them. We all have free-will to care for whomever we wish. As adults, we have to adjust to such changes brought-on by life. Suck it up, as it were!
Try not to take it too personally; because jealousy will breed contempt and bitterness. That will infuse toxicity into the friendship, and they will exclude you altogether. Everyone is drifting towards their own paths in life; so maybe it is time you make some new friends. Stay on good-terms, and don't let it hurt your feelings. You're a jewel, and people who cherish their friendships as you do are very rare these days. It may be you, and only you; either will turn to when tragedy strikes, or they need someone who can relate through having a longer history.
Now it is time to change the dynamics. You have the option to pick either-one you'd like to spend one-on-one time with. Now no-one has any excuse to feel offended. Don't do it out of spite or vindictiveness; just do it because everyone is all grown-up, and things have changed in your friendship somewhat. They may have become closer, and becoming offended by that might manifest behavior unbecoming of you. Don't feel loved or needed any less.
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