A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I’m recently dating after a divorce . He was interested in much younger women all the time we were together and had now found one and is happy . I took quite a while on my own and felt I’d really like to meet someone special one day. However I’m reading soooooooo much about women’s dating value decreasing with age and being much less than men’s . I’m reading that men basically look primarily for youth abc appearance and even many of the men on the website I’ve joined have blocked women my age ( their age ) . Several younger men have written but they seem to talk a lot about the physical and I can’t help feeling they just want sex I have had a few dates which seemed good . I thought one guy in particular was a great date and he seemed to like me but towards the end of the evening he mebtioned he was talking to ‘a hot 35 yr old’Am I too old at 54 to meet any men who will want anything more than sex . It seems men are spoilt for choice and not interested in women their own age when they can can have someone younger . Should I just resign myself to living the rest of my life without a partner?
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 October 2019):
While I don't see making this thread political (that won't help the OP get useful advice) I think you, "ANON female feminist" need to pipe down with the political rhetoric and ANSWER with a USEFUL answer (if you have one) with ACTUAL advice for the OP. I truly believe you are entitled to your opinion (as is CodeWarrior) but this thread should not be about HELPING the OP. Not just spout your own personal political views.
I totally disagree with you ANON female feminist on everything you have posted but mostly that you don't GIVE anything USEFUL for the OP, just discourse and self-promotion.
GIVE advice and put away your soapbox.
THAT is my advice.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2019): There are very few, if any, healthy models of heterosexual masculinity being actively promoted in Western society today. Models of gay masculinity abound. But heterosexuality has a long way to go until it becomes reformed and it won't ever reform until feminists start realising that men won't change if they continue to be held up as figures of hate. The models of masculinity presented to us are very outdated and based on a particularly patriarchal form of masculinity that continues to replicate due to lack of any alternative.I teach at universities where I see young men really struggle with the process of becoming young men due to lack of any alternative role models - they have nothing to go on except dated 'hero' type figures and can often feel unable to express any vulnerability at all and can be extremely confused by the ideas of masculinity that are fed to them. Heterosexual men are effectively brainwashed and repressed into becoming dominant and macho, even if they don't want to and find it confusing, even today, to have their 'femininity' continually knocked back. Even today, there is a fear of being misinterpreted as 'gay'. And these are the young, heterosexual men who are in university because they want to question and challenge the status quo! Countless young men from working class backgrounds don't even get there, and have no choice - literally - but to conform to working class codes of masculinity. In the UK alone there are epidemic levels of depression. Not all of these depressed people are women. Looking to younger women to resolve a whole host of deeply ingrained repression and confusion is objectionable, yes, but women continually moaning about it without even trying to see the bigger picture surrounding why this continues to happen will only result in ongoing generations of man-haters - and more men attempting to become dominant patriarchs with younger partners, because that's all they will know.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2019): Sexual market value is a term used largely by the mgtow ( men going their own way ) movement and incels. Whilst it doesstate that the market sets the ‘value of another’s desirability , it treated sex and dating as an economy with women as the ‘sellers’ and men as the ‘buyers’. The premise is that women’s value lies solely in their reproductive ability and therefore youth , men on the other hand have value for things way beyond that such as personality , career, what they have achieved and experienced in life and can become increasingly more valuable as they age. Followers of this theory espous that a woman’s sexual Marley value decreases dramatically each year after her mid twenties ( some even say after early twenties ) therefore a caiman of thirty five would be of far less value and less desirable than a man with even moderate scores on the achievements job etc and he is more likely to seek a younger woman It’s clear to see this THEORY, and it IS just a theory , is extremely devaluing of women . It effectively attributes zero ( or very little worth ) to a woman’s character , kindness , intelligence , achienment or any humanity basically . Proponents argue , this is nature , men don’t care about those things . The internet is full of men who follow this way of thinking and women who are being told it’s the truth . If it’s the truth then honestly is there not a better type of person to surround oneself with People who follow this sexual market theory can believe it they can follow it and refuse to consider how it reduces women to walking body parts whilst maintaining men’s ability to have worth through more than reproductive organs and looks . If they choose to see half as humanity as only worth their shells then so be it . It would seem that’s a good screening process for who one doesn’t want in their lives
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2019): HiI worked for a dating agency back in the nineties when there was still a stigma attached to it and matching people was all done in a much more personal way. After working there for a few months, (interviewing people who wanted to join and then doing the matches for the dates) I realised that once a woman's age started with a 4 (i.e. over 40) that it was almost impossible to get ANY man to meet her, even if the men were in their sixties or older! The conditions of the membership were 12 introductions in twelve months i.e. one introduction a month. When women were over 40 we would have to say to them that their membership would last as long as it took us to find 12 men willing to meet her, which we often couldn't do. The women would give up after a couple of years and maybe three or four introductions. This dating agency was countrywide with hundreds and hundreds of members so it's not as if we didn't have the men. They just declined any women over 40. The men who would meet women over 40 were generally in their late 60's or 70's and the women weren't pleased that we had introduced them. Yes, this gave me a bad view of men too. Some of them would look at a picture of a gorgeous looking young woman in her twenties or thirties and stipulate that they wanted meet her. This is when the man was in his sixties with a paunch etc.I got used to having to be blunt with them and saying, 'Do you REALLY think SHE is going to want to meet YOU!' We had to keep both parties happy. My point is that on paper, people make the most ridiculous statements and stipulations about what they want and who they want to meet. When.....if people meet in real life, all that crap goes out the window! Men and women can see and appreciate the person they are talking to and attraction can set in. Whatever age people are! The trouble comes when it's all done electronically first. Sadly the men all thought that any woman over 40 wouldn't be worth their time when in reality, if some of them had just met some of the women (who were an absolute knock-out!), they would have realised how lucky they would have been had they allowed themselves to be introduced to them. Men do seem to have a very slim view of women sadly. SO.....meet people in real life. Do the usual....what do you love to do? Join classes, volunteering whatever it is that floats your boat and there you will meet men who will be able to fall for you because they can see the real you, not a picture with an age number next to it. I dance a lot and when I was 53 I had a 36 year old dance teacher after me for two years. I wasn't interested, he wasn't my type, but this can happen when you meet in real life. Forget the dating websites and go and find a man who would love to spend time with you. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2019): ‘A lot of men have no choice but to go along with this patriarchal system and get conditioned in ways that make them THINK they want things that make them feel more powerful: a big house, a new car every year, a younger woman. Yes, men are like this a lot of the time. But if we as WOMEN keep going on and on about it all we end up doing is perpetuating bitterness and cynicism and this just convinces these conditioned men into thinking they are right to want younger women.’A lot of men have NO choice .... lol honestly .... this responded likes to emphatically blame WOMEN as they constantly write I. Capital letters for being hurt but stages that men have NO choice but to behave how they do It is somewhat sexist to make women responsible for men’s behaviours and choices and to expect them not to even be allowed to ask questions s about it or acknowledge what is happening . This doesn’t make women bitter this makes them realists and means that they are simply noticing and expressing frustration that so many men are wanting new and shiny things ... and no it’s not ineveitavme ... yes men do have a choice ! And NO women are not responsible for this nor are they bitter just for saying it’s so often the case . Bitter is a loaded word never used against men . Yet when women refuse to shut up they are called all kinds of names instead of beingAllowed to just voice what is happening . I find it hard to believe that responder was a woman.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2019): What it all boils down to is this. If you're a single-male, only dating and not looking for anything particularly serious, you may date only younger and attractive women...provided you're either good-looking, or wealthy enough to attract them.
Everyone sets their goals and expectations high and try to meet them in the dating-world. Feel free to form your own cynical opinions of men; but a majority of men over 40 have been married, or in long-term relationships with with women close-to or their own age. Once separated from their relationships, some guys are basically trying to pick-up where they left-off before they got committed. They want to test all their options, and enjoy their freedom. They want to stroke/boost their egos and chase their fleeting youth. They need to feel desirable and able to attract pretty females. Even when they have unrealistic-expectations. Not accounting for arrogance and narcissism.
They'll soon come-down to earth when they're tired of looking like their date's father/grandfather, getting giggles about their potbellies, and man-boobs! Feeling exhausted from trying to keep-up with women half their age, and going through their bank-accounts with a vengeance. Yes, there are those that are shameless; but you don't want anything to do with those gross skirt-chasing old leches! Nor 20 to 30-something year-old porn-aficionados who want to live-out the MILF fantasies they see in porn-videos. Porn has tainted our culture, I'm sad to say. There's no getting around that ladies!
Those aging-penises and droopy testicles will only maintain full functioning a few more years into their 60's, if they're lucky!
They'll need pills or pumps eventually to get erections. There is a price to pay for their egotistical-lechery. They want the pretty young firm chicks; because they're thinking only in terms of their sexual-prowess. Nevermind she doesn't relate to his old music, hipster style, his fading ability to defy gravity; and she gives him puzzled looks when he makes archaic references and uses outdated slang. He looks stupid when using youngster catch-phrases, and trying too hard; as he has no clue how to use them in the proper context, or know what they mean.
Life has a way of correcting and educating the foolish, my dear. You can't let frustration or cynicism make you lose hope.
It seems the worst of men are the most readily accessible; but for the obvious reasons. They're rejects and losers! They are making themselves more accessible and visible; while the best of us are being careful, being patient, and using discernment.
The same goes for finding the most dateable and the choicest in eligible and confident women. Getting past-relationship baggage, their insecurities, body-image issues, wedding-alter obsessions, and self-loathing; just isn't always easy for some single and available heterosexual-males in your age-group. Some men are as cynical as you are!
They want to play and enjoy life for as long as they can; if they're divorcees, or have recently regained their freedom and singleness. I guess it's a guy-thing! While a lot of women want a commitment; they aren't emotionally-mature or self-confident enough to enjoy relationships. They have no clue what they want, or what to do with it when they find it!!! They are often rejected, because the tell-tale signs of desperation, damage, and insecurity are a flashing neon sign above their heads. Thus it follows, some older-men will seek fun and pleasure over drama; and dealing with female-issues commonly found in middle-aged and older-women. Very sad commentary!
Doesn't sound encouraging, but it's not as bad as it seems. It takes time and a lot of weeding-out of the rejects to find the right mate. I've learned that things that are precious and worth holding-on to are usually rare and hard to find. Hence, I have adapted to that reality; and it has paid-off for me. Be patient. Keep searching, my dear!
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (7 October 2019):
 I'm going to be blunt here. I'm within a year of your exact age. Since my diagnosis with type 2 diabetes 16 years ago I had assumed that my wife would long outlive me. Since then she has been diagnosed with a leaky heart valve and I'm not so certain any more.
Now being your age let me tell you how I feel about "hot 35 year olds". 1, I have nothing in common with them. They are close to my daughters ages. They treat men my age like we have the plague. I want nothing to do with them. Because frankly at my age it takes a long time to heal from a brick beating from some mama bear.
And that brings us to point 2. They have kids at home. Not that I don't like kids, but If I'm going to commit to a long term relationship with someone I expect to be #1 in their lives. not after the kids and the ex and the career . . . . . . .
Conversely I'm not any more interested in you. You have passionate ingrained prejudices against all men. They are "spoilt" (different than spoiled?) usually meaning immature. They are only interested in sex. and so on. I'm not going up against that. I don't have time to waste pounding my head on that wall. If I want to waste my time there is plenty of fishing to be done, and it hurts less.
I'm only interested in a sex positive woman who has her stuff together and can be happy without a man to "make her happy.
I may or may not be representative of men you are interested in. But your difficulty is that you are looking for a man who is interested in a woman, but not interested in sex. Good luck with the unicorn hunt.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (7 October 2019):
I'm going to be blunt here. I'm within a year of your exact age. Since my diagnosis with type 2 diabetes 16 years ago I had assumed that my wife would long outlive me. Since then she has been diagnosed with a leaky heart valve and I'm not so certain any more.
Now being your age let me tell you how I feel about "hot 35 year olds". 1, I have nothing in common with them. They are close to my daughters ages. They treat men my age like we have the plague. I want nothing to do with them. Because frankly at my age it takes a long time to heal from a brick beating from some mama bear.
And that brings us to point 2. They have kids at home. Not that I don't like kids, but If I'm going to commit to a long term relationship with someone I expect to be #1 in their lives. not after the kids and the ex and the career . . . . . . .
Conversely I'm not any more interested in you. You have passionate ingrained prejudices against all men. They are spoilt (different than spoiled?) usually meaning immature. They are only interested in sex. and so on. I'm not going up against that. I don't have time to waste pounding my head on that wall. If I want to waste my time there is plenty of fishing to be doneand it hurts less
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (7 October 2019):
 My mother in law and my mother both lost their husbands when in their 70's. My mother in law remarried at 74 and was happier than she had ever been. My mom has been dating the same man for over 6 years and is very happy. Its never too late OP! Not all men want sex and not all men want a young chick. Many men just want a companion--someone to talk to, do things with and sex isn't the first thing on their mind. Its never too late to fall in love.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (7 October 2019):
 My father in law, widower, met and married a lady in her 50s and they went on to have over 30 years together.
If that is what you want then believe it is possible. But you do need to know what you want, and remember you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince.
Spread your net wider than online, start doing workshops and classes, join clubs. Your match might not be a member but his cousin, or sister or old school friend might be … so make friends outside your usual comfort zone.
PS father in law was a bit of a rough and ready chap, he married a lady with some refinement and they both rubbed the corners off each other and were a lovely, supportive couple.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2019): I feel for you - really - but I also think I'm losing my patience with WOMEN who go on and on about how men over 50 only want younger women. I say this because, as we get older, a lot of us have taken a lot of hard knocks, so to speak, and it is very easy to let bitterness slowly and steadily creep into one's heart and mindset, without realising this is happening, until, one day, there we are: bitter old women. What WOMEN say about men over 50 is starting to really get on my nerves - although, at the same time, I'm not denying there is an issue. But, if we want to and choose to look at things in this cynical, bitter way - and ONLY in that way - then how far do we want to take it? The world is being destroyed by a capitalist system and politicians who are largely run by patriarchal men in positions of power. The whole system is skewed against women, even now. A lot of men have no choice but to go along with this patriarchal system and get conditioned in ways that make them THINK they want things that make them feel more powerful: a big house, a new car every year, a younger woman. Yes, men are like this a lot of the time. But if we as WOMEN keep going on and on about it all we end up doing is perpetuating bitterness and cynicism and this just convinces these conditioned men into thinking they are right to want younger women.Until older women become more appreciated in society, in the workplace, in politics, in cultural industries, it will be harder for men and women to see that older women can be fascinating, fun and highly rewarding partners. But there's simply NO POINT moaning about the fact that some men don't appreciate older women at this point in time. Saying this over and again - to one another, and to ourselves - only reinforces the idea in everyone's minds. I think Honeypie's advice is good - actually get out and meet men in situations where dating is not the focus and where there is some other activity you can actually enjoy. Develop a loving relationship with yourself because it sounds like you are still using your previous relationship as 'evidence' that ALL men only want younger women and you are not over it yet. Learn to take yourself to enjoyable places and activities - try yoga, swimming, hiking and as many group activities as you can - dancing lessons, language lessons, anything involving learning in a group. And yes, the reality probably is that the's silly, conditioned men who want younger women will incur a mass of problems - what happens to a 55 year old guy when his 35 year old girlfriend wants a baby, or to go out clubbing with younger people, or wants a generally luxurious lifestyle or when he feels he has to constantly compete to stop her going off with someone younger..? Any relationship based on an age difference and attraction to that is an indication there's a very shallow psyche at play - is that something you really want to get involved in?
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (7 October 2019):
 Well, many men and women live VERY happily without partners so, if you do fail to find someone suitable, it's not the end of the world. You CAN have a fulfilled life without a partner.
That aside, you are NOT past your sell-by date or any such nonsense. You have met a handful of men who have not been suitable. That is what dating is all about: sieving out the unsuitable to be, hopefully, left with someone who was worth the effort.
Do you have any interests or passions you could look into pursuing where you could meet like-minded people and make new friends and, even possibly, find a new partner?
Don't settle for anything you are not happy/comfortable with. Set the bar high and weed out anyone who doesn't clear it with ease. I could tell you stories about friends' on-line dating experiences which would make you gasp or scream laughing. It's all part of the fun.
Good luck. I hope you find someone special.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 October 2019):
I can't see WHY you can't find someone at 54. Plenty of people over 30 find partners.
I do think the "pool" from which you can choose is smaller and you have to weed out all the toads.
If a guy brings up that he is talking to a "hot 35 year old" then he is out of the race instantaneously.
If they are much younger than you and seems to talk a lot about the physical, and YOU are not interested in that, they are out of the race too.
SET yourself a standard for what you are looking for, what you want and what you have to offer and then don't settle for less.
You might want to look at WHERE you are looking for dates at. IS the site you have been suing any good? If not switch it up. Redo your profile, have new honest pictures, join social groups, like a hiking group (if you are into that) where you will MEET people IN person and get to know people. If you belong to a church, they might also have some singles events, etc.
My BIL have spend the last 5 years online dating and I tell you.... there are a LOT of duds out there, but he did marry last year, someone he met on a dating site. He is 55 this year and she is 56. So, if they can find each other, I can't see why you can't find someone either.
Of course a 20 year old or 30 or 35 year old will have more options for dates then someone over 50. That is a given but that ALSO goes for men. I just think women over a certain age are more realistic then men are. This guy you talked to (who told you about the "hot 35 year old") he might think he can 1. keep up with a 35 year old woman,2. he might think he has more to offer a younger woman, but in reality, he might not. Who knows SHE (the 35 year old) might ALSO be talking to SEVERAL people some who are younger and a better catch than him!
KNOW what you are looking for. Be critical, don't waste your time on guys who aren't what you are looking for (aka the young bucks who are hoping for some sex MILF or whatnot, or guy who are looking for a HOT younger partner) Be prepared for many first dates. GO at your pace.
Don't give up, try new things. New ways to meet new people.
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