A
female
age
41-50,
*liz
writes:I have a friend (Pal) who has become increasingly needy over the past few weeks. He calls me everyday, and always expects a long conversation. He asks my advice on everything, from whether it is ethical to become involved with someone if you don’t see yourselves together for ever (told him to stop being dramatic), to whether he should bring bottle a of red wine or bottle b of red wine to a party (I told him to stop fussing and bring both, it would make him popular at the party). Sometime after the neediness started, he let me know that he had feelings for me that I do not share. He told me this even though he knows that I am not looking for a relationship after recently ending a 5 year relationship because my partner developed a mental illness and refused to seek treatment (this is another matter all together). Pal is getting to the point where he will not do simple, seemingly logical things without asking me for an okay first. When I tell him I find it irritating, he insists that he does it to be considerate to me (I fail to see how expecting someone be invested in and approve all of your daily decisions is considerate).I snapped at him a little bit today. He called me the second I left my office (after a 12 hour day) to let me know that a group of our friends decided to meet at my place that weekend (I had offered earlier). I said great, but my bus was pulling up and I would call him back when I wasn’t occupied. I called back 20 minutes later, and he demanded to know what I was serving and what he should bring on the weekend. I told him I didn’t know yet, I had only heard 20 minutes ago that we decided on my place. He kept asking variations on this question, so I kept telling him that, despite the lapse of milliseconds, I still did not know, but I had to go, I was exhausted after a long day and needed a bit of quiet before I left for another appointment. He just kept fussing and asking the same question. After ignoring my attempt to end the call for the third time, I interrupted him and told him that I still did not know the answer to his question, I needed some time to myself, and that this was his cue to say good bye. He sent me an email letting me know that he was hurt, and he never wants me to do that to him again.I would like to confront him directly, but this did not go well earlier today. I am considering avoiding his calls and only spending time with him as part of a group.Does anyone have any suggestions? How can I be fair to him, fair to myself, and avoid too much turmoil in our social circle?
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female
reader, superrrshawna  +, writes (13 August 2008):
 wow you sound a lot more patient than i. i would have smacked him over the head. several times.
my best bet is to let the guy off easy. don't completely ignore him without giving him any reason why. he has feelings for you, take that into account.
so. tell him you know he might feel a little more for you than the average friend, but tell him he also knows that you are neither looking nor interested at the moment at all. make it very clear he is just a friend.
then tell him, that as a friend from a friend, he is being a little annoying and overbearing! and that if he wants to maintain a good friendship with you he needs to back off a little and stop asking your opinion on everything because you have enough to deal with at the moment. consideration is nice, but wouldn't it be nice if he thought about being considerate about your stress levels! tell him it is great he wants to help out and bring food, but that asking 15 minutes after you find out you are going to have guests what the menu is going to be was a bit unreasonable!
just try to be nice and be positive but slightly scolding, yeah?
it might hurt his feelings a little, but if the friendship bond is there he should be able to take it as constructive criticism, curl up in bed for a couple hours and weep bitter tears, and emerge a less detail-obsessive pal who will thank you in the long run. i tell my friends everything straight up, and i have learned that although they might take offense to it in the beginning, by making a habit of it they have come to respect my honesty. if a friend is being obnoxious, slutty, messy, whatever it is, i tell them before someone else who doesn't care about them as much as i do hurts their feelings!
if that doesn't work you could always tell him flat out that you like guys who talk less and have a mysterious air, who make you work for it and don't wear their heart on their sleeve. and that he might have a better chance acting aloof and winning your heart than anything else. who knows, you might not hear from him in a week! it's a win win, he thinks he is winning you over, and you get a break!
good luck!
A
female
reader, pepper27  +, writes (13 August 2008):
 Hi sweetheart
You have just got out of a stressfull relationship this in itself should be enough for your friend to understand you need some you time...When you can and are relaxed enough invite him for a coffee and tell him you would like to talk . Explain to him you like his friendship and that is all. You are still coming to terms with your breakup and need alot of time to heal. Let him know you need alot of you time at this moment and as much as you are gratefull for him helping you at times you find he over does this, Tell him you dont ever mean to hurt him and this puts so much pressure on you when he suggests you have. You are a busy young woman who needs to regain her strength after this relationship breakup and you really would prefere it if he could please calm down as you just cant handle this kind of behaviour. Yes you want to be friends this is all and if he canot realise how much pressure he is putting you under then hunny its his choice to have a hissy fit and send silly e-mails as you dont need this now...If after your conversation he does not get the message then if it were me my phone would be on silent when I needed my time and after talking nicely with him if he did not see my point of veiw then I would consider
him to be selfish of my needs and only thinking of his own...Give him the chance, Talk with him but if it does not improve and he does not get the message you will have to think of yourself and make sure you get your time and relax, Explain to a close friend what is going on if it does not change and hopefully your circle of friends will help you out and support you love..I hope he does listen and take it in and i hope you get the peace you so very much need hunny TAKE CARE WITH LOVE AND HUGS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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