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age
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writes: I dont mean to keep repeating myself, but im living in complete agony. Ever since I found out that my fiance flirted with a girl on a jobsite and got her number. And then text her and called her beautiful. Him and. I have been together seven years and we are goinh to get married in two months. Im so psranoid that im constantly searching his phone. Of course he knows I touch his phone now and is more likely to cover his tracks. He says he messex up snd he is sorry. He tells me he loves me and still wants to get married in two months. I know im driving him crazy being suspicous of his every move and im driving myself to have panic attacks thinking about what hes doing when he goes to work. I know he loves me and I love him. Im sure I can trust him again. But how do I trust again? How can he get past this? I feel so betrayed and keep wondering what I did wrong?
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both wiseowl and noname. I do feel better.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2013): I'm going to buck the trend a bit, in certain circumstances I think snooping through someone's phone is perfectly acceptable. Mainly to find proof of what you suspect is going on.I've read several posts that were either from you or someone in a very similar situation. I think the issue here is that you don't trust your partner. I can see why you don't. What I can't understand though is your reluctance to postpone the wedding. If there is no trust, there is no relationship. Marriage won't make the problems go away, it just makes it harder to walk away from.At the moment you have doubts about your partner. The problem is that he knows that you've snooped. The chances are that you won't find anything on his phone now that he knows that you check it. I had the same thing with my ex, she was flirting with men on her phone. Once I confronted her, she got better at concealing it, but didn't stop. In the end it finished us.I wouldn't rush into marriage. You have to decide if you can trust this man. If you can, try to give him the chance to rebuild your trust. That means no more checking up on him. If you can't manage that, then you have to realise that the trust has gone. That's a recipe for disater in a marriage. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2013): It's sad that you feel that everyone was ganging up on you. I read each post, above and below, and everyone was straight up with you. Particularly when addressing the issue with insecurity. It is unlikely that you will find anyone here, or anywhere else, that would find snooping through someone's phone justified or mature.We could tell you what you wanted to hear. Then you would never address obvious issues that could be detrimental to your future happiness. In any case, I wish you the best and hope that you will find some advice that will be beneficial.Don't ignore good advice because you're being over-sensitive. You are a mature woman and should not let desperation to marry over-shadow your best judgement. You are looking for happiness in your marriage. If you think checking his phone and having panic attacks over what he's doing when not with you is okay, then I stand by my assessment that neither of you will be happy, and he will not be the one to take all the blame.I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. Not so many people responding to your question would basically come to the same conclusions, if we didn't see the same thing.Good luck to you and best wishes in any case.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIm not taking this lightly at all. I normally appreciate all the great advice from all of you. But im going through s rough time. I feel im being ganged up on. This may set me back from asking for future help. But thank you for those who understand how I feel and gave advice without insulting me.
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reader, CMMP  +, writes (3 March 2013):
Checking his phone won't do anything but give you a false sense of security, you've all but admitted as much. If that's what you want to build your marriage on, then so be it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo wiseowle, I feel if someone has been with someone for 7 years I can touch his phone. He should not have secrets from me. And I should not have secrets from him. Which I dont, if he wants to look at my phone he can. And im not a stalker or lonely. I just worry about hi. Cheating on me a d breaking my heart. It would ruin my family. I love him do much. I dont want to lose him. I want to trust him. But yes he has to earn that back.
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reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (2 March 2013):
 I just wanted to add that no woman can stop a man from straying if that is what he wants to do. It has nothing to do with trust or doing something wrong...once a person sets their mind to cheat or pursue someone else, they will throw all reasoning out of the window. Smartphone, the internet and e-mail offer perfect covert opportunities for a bit of tittilation on the side and many people never get found out for year, if at all.
A man will be faithful when he truly believes he has met 'the one'. You can keep a guy on the hook, live with him and, yes, even marry him but none of it ensures fidelity...if he sees someone better he will be gone, emotionally if not immediately in body.
How do you get to a point where you can trust your fiance again??...when he lets you by not fooling around with other women...that's how.
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reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (2 March 2013):
 I’d have serious doubts running through my mind… A red flag has appeared just moments from walking down the aisle. It’s certainly not how I would have envisaged my/our special day. I’d need to have 100% confidence.Since you know him best; how would you describe his loyalty towards you in the past several years until now? Have you ignored previous warning signs or is this the first time he’s behaved like this? Either way it’s not a great feeling to have, so I’d want answers!Perhaps this was an insecure moment he had; to see if he still had what it takes. Some guys do feel insecure and don’t think before they act to answer their insecurities or curiosity? You’ll have to talk with him to find out what he was really thinking and or call it quits.I agree with CMMP; this was premeditated, intentional, and deliberate – he was conscious of what he was doing!Take Care – CAA
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the great advice. Deep down I know its all true. My heart dont want to postpone the wedding. I do know there is nothing I can do to prevent this from happening again. But if I wouldnt of looked at his phone and cought the first texting to this girl then. It couldve escalated to even more serious. I think of checking his phone as trykng to prevent more heart ache. Being prepared for bad before it happens. And just to mention him and I have a five year old daughter together. She is the youngest of my four kids and his only child. But thank you all very much.
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reader, CMMP +, writes (2 March 2013):
If he's not going to cheat you should be able to trust him again. The problem is that this was premeditated; it wasn't a drunken accident. He went and pursued this girl. That is something that needs to be addressed because, in my opinion, people that do that are likely to do it again. I'm sure you've asked him why he did it, and I'm sure he gave you some b^^^^^t answer that was only to make you happy. But the two of you need to have a serious talk and you need to pay attention to his answers. Maybe he just did it because he was feeling neglected and wanted attention. Maybe he's cheated on you a number of times and finally got caught. You need to try and force him to answer some tough questions. Ignoring this and hoping it'll go away may be easier in the short term, but in the long run it may cause some serious heartbreak. Imagine catching him in a relationship with this girl AFTER marriage and children! In the end there is no way to guarantee he'll be faithful or cheat. He's demonstrated that he's capable of being deceptive. This is something that you're going to have to accept. Remember that 50% of marriages end in divorce. The primary reason is that people get married to the person they love but don't pay enough attention to compatibility; don't make the same mistake! It's easier to walk away now then get a divorce later, or even worse, spend the rest of your life unhappy while the perfect guy was out there waiting for you.
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reader, dirtball +, writes (2 March 2013):
 Trust is easy to lose and very difficult to regain. The only thing that can rebuild trust is time.
You didn't do anything wrong. This was something he did, not you. You must not blame yourself for what he did.
Now, you also need to quit torturing yourself by constantly searching his phone and similar situation.
I would highly recommend you two seek out some couples counseling. If this has progressed to the point of panic attacks for you that is a very bad sign and there may be some deeper issues at work than just a loss of trust. A professional should be able to help you get to the bottom of the real problem.
Also, it may be a good idea to postpone the wedding if possible. You don't want to make a life long commitment if you can't trust your partner. This needs to be fixed first.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2013): If you are having panic attacks, are they due to the stress of wedding planning or jealousy? I'd say both. You are likely experiencing cold-feet. Any little indiscretion on your fiance's part may send you over the edge. You'll have doubts and trust issues. This is not unusual and it happens in most engagements. He has a need to still feel attractive to other females for his male ego's sake. If you catch him in the act of cheating, that's another thing. Calling a another woman beautiful, and texting her, is definitely pushing the envelop. Tell him exactly how you feel about it. Prolong the engagement until you feel comfortable about it.Now let's address your insecurity and trust issues. I think it is unfair and intrusive that you go through his personal effects. That means you're nosy, possessive, and slightly out of your mind. You have to develop trust. Don't marry anyone until you have the ability to trust him. That's a deal-breaker for many people. Your insecurity is as detrimental to a marriage as his infidelity. Talk to your mom, grandmother, or aunt about your feelings. They have the experience, through marriage, to let you know what feelings are valid and what may just be per-marital anxiety. Ask them what they think. They know him and they know you. They can base their advice on familiarity with both of you, and through their own experience. Now lets take it a step further. It drives you crazy what he is doing when he's not with you. This is very scary. This sounds like "stalker" potential, and not too cool. You sound a little looney; but I'll give you benefit of the doubt, because you are also going through the jitters many brides-to-be may feel before they bond themselves in matrimony. You both need to sit with your minister long before the wedding. Talk out these issues and seek his/her advice.I feel confident in telling you that if you spend a lot of time going nuts when he's not under your thumb,that your marriage may fail. You'll be lucky if your engagement will survive your behavior and insecurity. You are controlling, and you have no respect for the privacy of others. Being honest and open to you will make no difference when you still harbor unfounded suspicions.My honest opinion, that young man will have his hands full.
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reader, janniepeg  +, writes (2 March 2013):
 You downplayed the post this time. Panic attacks are not fun. Your body is screaming loud to you that your relationship is not right. Listen to it. It's not anything you did wrong. The only thing you did wrong is keep giving him chances.
Trust is not something you do or not do. You can't change your feelings. You can stop snooping and choose to keep a blind eye on what he is doing, but that's not going to make you feel more secure with him. Trusting him would not magically make him more loyal to you. Don't let your fear of having to start all over again make you turn a dream into a nightmare, I mean panic attacks are nightmares in real life.
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reader, NORA B  +, writes (2 March 2013):
Please be reassured that you have done nothing Wrong at all.Its not easy to trust again and usually takes time and a lot of love from your boyfriend to mend the hurt he has caused.This is difficult for you ,but you are the Only one who can decide to trust him or not.Think long and deep and hopefully you will be able to decide . Best Wishes Nora B.
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