A
female
age
41-50,
*imi2
writes:i have a friend at work who has started showing an intrest in me. have told him from the word go that i have a boyfriend whom i am commited to. He also acknowldges that he has a girlfriend but he only wants to know me better personally. He insists on spending time with me after work of which he insists to coming to my place. i have spend time with him on two occassions after work but still reminding him that this wont go far as im commited to my relationship. He is still persistent that he see me. Help, what can i do to get through to him that this will not lead anywhere and that he makes me feel guilty of the time i spend with him as i feel im cheating on my boyfriend.
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male
reader, PsychMaster55  +, writes (26 September 2007):
 how do you get thru to him and tell him to stop persueing? how about tell him that you dont want to continue anymore and if he wants to continue you will be forced to go to your boss. why do you feel you need to still be around this if you dont want to?
also, why have you already spent two occasions alone with him after work? that is just an invitation. If it continues anymore, then you will have to tell your boyfriend, he will definitely put it to a stop. But then you have to ask yourself if you are prepared to lose him, because you have to tell him you already spent time with him after work twice. and you have to be prepared to deal with the consequences.
most likely you will lose both, but hey, you asked for it by going along with it this far.
A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (26 September 2007):
 Have your BF start picking you up from work. When he insists on coming over, one day let him, and make sure your BF is there, and then go into the other room and have sex with the BF, while he waits in the other room for you. This should get the message across loud and clear.
If he persists, suggest that the four of you (BF and his GF) get together for dinner, and you can let her know there how much he insists on pushing your boundaries. (Make sure your BF knows what is going on of course).
-Frank B Kermit
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A
female
reader, stina  +, writes (25 September 2007):
 Mello Mimi,
You don't have to get together with him outside of work. If I were you, I'd tell him that you're going to have a strictly professional relationship from here on out - and mean it. If he tries to talk about personal stuff, bring up business stuff. If he keeps bringing up personal stuff, bring it to the attention of your Human Resources Department. If you don't have one for whatever reason, then I suggest bringing the problem up to your boss.
You might also want to consider writing him an email stating your relationship with him: that it's to remain on a professional level. Then you'll have proof that you sent the message, so there is no way he can say that you didn't tell him to back off.
If you feel like that is too much, then the next time he comes over, have your boyfriend there, too. Does your guy know what is going on? If not, you may want to tell him. (I know that would tell my husband if some jerk was annoying me.)
Bottom line is that you have to tell him to stop harassing you (because that IS what it is) and MAKE him stop - even if it means getting supervisors at work to step in. You shouldn't have to put up with this.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2007): Just be very short with him. I wouldn't even be friends with him personally. He doesn't care about you, so he isn't a friend. If he won't leave you alone, say this "I don't want to cause any problems, but you are not taking what I say seriously, so I am going to have to tell (name of person in charge at work) if you don't stop. I told you I am in a commited relationship & I am not interested" leave it at that. Don't give him any answers.
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A
female
reader, Emmajane  +, writes (25 September 2007):
 You must give this guy a very definite NO, and as he's at work, if necessary you can report him to Human Resources. However before you do that make sure he knows you are serious and that you definitely want no more approaches from him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2007): I have to say that we women have an uncanny ability to sense a threat to our safety. This man must have been tripping the alarm bells at the get go.
Most victims of rape/violence time and again state that they kept getting a feeling of unease but could not see any real threat. They ignore that gut feeling that took millions of years of evolution to perfect.
This man from your work shows time and again he cares not what you think or feel or have to say.
He relies on confusing you and may say statements like trust me, I don't have any dishonest intentions-we are co-workers and friends, nothing is wrong or going on, you are being silly by not trusting me, I'm offended.
Such men use a woman's nature against them. They also know Society teaches women that we have to be gentle, non-agressive, respect authority, to be polite and cause no offense.
This man that you work with does not see him having a gf or you having a bf as a deterrent to what he wants. A serpentine man will use the guise of friendship and will use key phrase of teaming...we don't need to worry, we aren't doing anything wrong. They use this tatic to familiarize and falsely thrust a relationship.
From what you describe this man is someone to be fearful of and you may be afraid now to tell him he no longer is allowed to talk to you or try to be your friend.
He used exploited your good nature by inviting himself over against your wishes and then probably challenged your decision by implying you were being unkind and unreasonable-he is doing anything wrong.
HE IS.
He shows no repsect for you and you should trust in your gut.
Time to tell your Boyfriend about your situation and if the co-worker won't leave you alone, address it with your company.
It may come down to making a choice about finding another job as this individual may react violently or aggressively and may cause you problems at work.
Talk to you BF.
Best Wishes.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2007): Just put your foot down and be firm! Don't encourage him in any way. Don't spend any time with him at all. Make sure that you avoid him so nothing can come of this. If he still carrys on being a pest then tell your bloke and then tell the police. Things could turn nasty, so be very careful but do not put up with it.
take care
xx
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A
female
reader, penta +, writes (25 September 2007):
 Do not be alone with him. It's just an invitation to continue.
If he invites you someplace, ask him if it's okay to bring your bf. If no, then "Oh, well I was going to spend that time with him, so if he can't come then I'm not interested. But thanks." Become a "broken record" and keep repeating this.
If he comes to your place uninvited (just shows up) you are never obligated to invite him in (according to Emily Post). Just say, "Oh, thanks for coming, but now is not a good time. If you could call before you come over next time that would be good. Hope you have a great evening." Then say goodbye and close the door with him on the other side. DO NOT give in to any pressure to invite him in.
And BTW, your reasons are your business. If he says "why" just keep saying (over and over until he gets tired) "it's just not a good time." If you give him ANY answer to his "why" then you are giving him an excuse to argue that it's not a good reason. Your reasons are your own, and not subject to his judgment.
He's taking advantage of your good nature by getting his foot in the door. Do not allow it to continue. Never be alone with him again.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2007): If you don't want him in your home, even if he insists - don't let him in. This man has no hold over you, you just work together, already he is making you guilty for something that isnt happening.
I agree with other comments that if he feels that he needs to get to know you and thats all it is then he wont mind meeting when your partners are present will he? Thats not an unreasonable ask. I think also it may be an idea to share this harrassment with somebody ie. your boyfriend, at least then he is aware of the situation if anyone you know spots you with the work collegue going to your house, puts 2 and 2 together and gets 123.
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A
female
reader, Sugarbuns  +, writes (25 September 2007):
 Stop spending time with him. You're giving out mixed signals. You know the old saying, your lips say, "no, no" but your eyes say "yes, yes". Don't go to lunch with him, don't call him up to chat, don't e-mail him, don't let him come over. If he insists on showing up on your doorstep, you don't have to answer the door or you could have your boyfriend come over after work so he'll get the hint. The less you are alone with him, the less you'll have to keep explaining yourself over and over and over. I personally think you like the attention.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (25 September 2007):
 Say this. I would love too, when can the four of us get together. Let him know you will not meet just you and him, that's not right for the other people involved, but you'd be happy to if you can arrange it with your boyfriend and his girlfriend to have everyone get together at the same time.
If he keeps on after that, I would inform my boss about being harassed by this person.
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