A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My ex and I have a long history. We were friends for many years and then about two and a half years ago, started a sexual relationship. We did everything together, and eventually decided to make it an official relationship about 8 months ago.Out of the blue, she dumped me approaching 3 weeks ago and told me she never loved me in the first place. Which completely sent me numb and caught me off guard. It seemed so shocking and I just couldn't wrap my head around why she was saying these things. I asked if there was someone else because it was the only thing that made sense about why she was being so callous, but she insisted there wasn't. But since then, I have actively tried to seek out closure, and only been met with silence. She literally blindsided me and dumped me and then pretty much fell off the face of the Earth. She had agreed to meet up with me to talk at one point a couple weeks ago, but she cancelled, and I have basically not heard from her since.In a normal situation, I would just leave it alone and disappear. But this isn't just a normal situation. We were friends for years. And she said right after the breakup that the friendship was so important to her she didn't want to lose it. That's how I felt too. So I've been trying to get closure and also simultaneously trying to maintain a friendship. But I just keep getting met with silence or her completely ignoring me. All of my attempts to reach out and work through this to stay friends have just been ignored. I've tried to reach out on multiple occasions to get us to talk. Even if it's just a regular conversation about what we are up to. But she just won't hardly engage me. She just seems to have no interest.My best assumption is that she's gotten back together with an ex that she just can't bring herself to tell me about because she's embarrassed. That's honestly the only thing that makes any sense out of all of this. Because otherwise, I would have thought she would have bent over backwards to try to maintain our friendship. Because we were friends for so long I know all of her past and if it's who I think it may be, she may be too ashamed to admit it. But either way, I'm absolutely devastated that she has just let all these years of friendship go straight into the trash can without any effort. I'm heartbroken over the ending of the relationship that I'm the most heartbroken over the friendship and finding out just how little it mattered to her. That's what has destroyed me the most. She just basically went from being normal in a relationship with me one day, to saying some of the most hurtful things anyone has ever said to me during a break up, and just disappeared. With no explanation and no anything else.I tried to reach out one last time last night and engage her in a conversation. We hadn't spoken in over a week and so I shot her a text asking her how she had been. I was hoping she would engage me and talk to me like normal. Or at least try to. But it was clear after a few responses that she wasn't interested. So I wrote out a long letter and sent it to her through Facebook. I suppose it was my way of getting closure since I had been given absolutely none. I told her that I have been neglecting my feelings on account of respecting hers and I wasn't going to do it anymore. And that if she doesn't reach out and make an effort at all in the next short span of time, that the Friendship is going to have to come to a close and I'm removing her from my life for good. I sent her a message through text telling her that I had sent her the message through Facebook Messenger so it didn't get jumbled. She has yet to even bother to open it yet I can see that she's out and about and has been online.I guess this is my closure. I got off my chest what I needed to get off my chest and the friendship has come to a close not on account of anything I have done. I've made an effort despite still being heartbroken over the ending of the relationship. I've just honestly never been treated so badly by someone I thought was such a good friend. I would have never imagined she would have reacted this way at the close of a relationship. Like I said, we have so much history as friends and I honestly can't believe she's been so heartless. Is there any advice on how to get through this? I feel a little bit better after gaining my own closure. Even if she never takes the time to read it. But I honestly can't believe I spent so many years of my life in a friendship or relationship with a person who could be so cold and uncaring. There's nothing in the world I would have let come in between my friendship with her. So I'm devastated it her behavior. Any kind words or similar situations would be helpful. Thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2018): Knowing exactly how it feels to be blindsided; I have to agree that this is your closure. As hurtful as it is, it is best that she has gone no contact. Maintaining friendship after a breakup is clinging to false-hope that things will return to what they were for one person; and struggling to keep the line drawn that defines the relationship as platonic for the other.
I wrote articles after my breakup; because it helped me to vent, make light of my situation, and to relate my feelings to others. Then I decided to help others as I healed. I have a wealth of experience and wisdom; and I wasn't going to let that breakup get me down. I turned a negative into a positive.
I know closure helps some people; but for others they need an opportunity to plead a case, or to make a final-attempt at changing their ex's mind. That option is usually denied when the other person knows it will only prolong the drama and the agony. If they know you are given to emotionalizing and angry-tantrums when things don't go your way. They will drop the bomb and flee the scene. Leaving you dazed, confused, and in shock. Once the shock subsides, it's pure agony.
It is good that she has not contacted you. Too much talk about it only makes you more miserable. One talk leads to more talk; which leads to angry exchanges that can escalate into violence. So I would take cold-turkey and a total communication-blackout over a long agonizing tearful series of being rejected...again, and again, and again!
Trust me, closure doesn't make you feel any better when the outcome is still the same. You're still broken-up. You don't really want to retain friendship, you want an extension or postponement. A stay of execution. You get neither, and you shouldn't until you have converted your romantic-feelings over to platonic. That might take months, or even a year or two.
If someone wants to breakup with you, they don't feel like holding your hand through it; they want to move on. She knows you too well, you won't let go. Your post says so. In fact, it screams you would make a total last-season's final dramatic-episode of a sorrowful soap opera tragic-ending of it. She knows you'll cling-on out of desperation and try to convince her to stay. It would be all too pathetic. You know it too, girlfriend!
You'll have to get through this best you can. You'll grow to be a stronger person. You'll learn what you're made of, and you'll resume your independence and rediscover your wholeness.
It's a steep mountain to climb, but you can do it. You can live without her.
You have to get through the detachment and withdrawal process; which is like going through a meat-grinder, but love is connected through a chemical-process in the brain. That process is quite painful when going in reverse. You've been through it before at your age; so you know.
Closure is a luxury you won't always get; so you have to rely on your inner-strength. The love of yourself, family, and your other friends. Hug your mother. I hope you have a good relationship with your family. Nowadays it seems more people don't than those that do. Mama's hugs have healing properties. If you can, get some. If not mom, try nana! Gram-ma has a big heart too!
Sweetie, I promise you; you'll get through this. Not without some pain, tears, and grief. You will find peace and closure; but it's best when it's homemade. Take advantage of the no contact; because it is the advice she would have been given if she were the poster. To make sure you were given the chance to let go, and heal.
Going from friends to lovers and back to friends, seldom if ever works. You just suppress your infatuation and pretend you're just friends; while wishing things were different. You get hurt and jealous when "your friend" finds romance with somebody else. That's torture for you, and you will try to make that pain known to everybody. While having absolutely no right to!
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (1 April 2018):
 So sorry you are going through this. Sending hugs.
It is quite possible she has got back with her ex, or another explanation for her treatment of you could be that she feels guilty she was not into you as much as you were into her. Guilt is making her defensive, hence her cruel treatment of you and apparent disinterest in maintaining your friendship.
Remaining friends with someone you were linked with romantically is seldom a good idea immediately after the end of the romance. Emotions and feelings are raw and it is seldom possible to go back to being friends until the pain of the failed romance has subsided.
You have clawed your own closure from this mess, which will hopefully help you move on and start to heal. In the meantime I think it would be best for you to stay away and not attempt any further contact with her. If you keep pushing, she will grow to resent you. Back off and she may just realize what she has lost and reach out to reclaim the friendship. Don't put your life on hold waiting for her though. Reconnect with other friends, or make new friends who will help you move on with your life.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 April 2018):
 I don't think either of you can make this a "healthy" friendship at this point.
She can't EVEN tell you why she ended it. And even though I GET that you want closure, she doesn't OWE you an explanation. (it would be nice, I get that but.. not owed).
She made choice that impacted you both and handled the break up with cowardice. She felt it easier (for her) to go silent and move on without any regards to your feelings.
Not MUCH you can do about that, other than STOP contacting her and accept that SHE made that choice. And YOU need to respect that.
So CUT ALL contact and if I were you I'd BLOCK her too. Because I can only see drama if you let her mess around in your life if whatever she left you for doesn't work out.
You gave her a chance to interact with you, to give you closure USE that as your OWN closure. You might NEVER know what exactly went on with her and you CAN move out without knowing. JUST know that she (for whatever reason) CHOSE not to be with you any more and her "promises" of friendship was hollow.
There is nothing like romantic feelings to ruin a good friendship.
While I DO think people who get INTO a relationship can become best friends... when you start out as friends... you lose that IF the relationship doesn't work out. Once romantic feelings get in the picture... THAT is how it goes.
And look at it this way, WOULD you keep someone as a friend who has treated you the way SHE has treated you after the break up? Sorry, I think she LOST that chance.
Chin up and CUT her out of your life.
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