A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I was on here a year or two back about a friend I have had for a while who was always putting me down, trying to be smart and reminding me in her jokey way of any 'blunders' I may have made in years gone by.She is friends with another mutual friend of mine who doesn't seem to mind her and sometimes but not often, joins in if she feels it is done jokingly. However, I was getting sick of being the butt of the jokes and wanted out without ruining the other friendship. When I was on the last time I took the advice of the aunts and slowly tried cutting this girl out of my life by being occupied elsewhere, turning down invitations etc - however, our 'mutual' friend has been out with us both recently - once for my birthday and this other girl is still no different and I really don't know how to shake her/them off.So my question is how do I get this woman out of my life without hurting feelings or jeopardising the other relationship with the mutual friend? Am I just being over sensitive or do I really need to get rid of one or both of these girls. I have known gem both for a long time and the mutual friend and I have a lot in common so I don't really want to lose her for the sake of the other one. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2017): You didn't take my advice; because I would have told you to cut ties; or bluntly suggest that she quit with the insults. I must have missed the original post. I don't recall it.
So you won't sever the friendship, because you don't want to hurt her feelings? Funny, she doesn't seem to mind hurting yours.
There is no easy way out of some situations. Sometimes you have to make the hard adult decisions.
Either grow a thicker skin, volley a few jokes back; or end the friendship. Explain your decision to your mutual-friend.
The thing about real-friends is, they understand and support your decisions. They also care about your feelings.
If the mutual-friend sides with her; then time for you to move on.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2017): OP here - thanks for all the replies guys - all of it is very helpful & I will try and be a stronger person in voicing my concerns - though it's hard when you've been friends a while.
To Youcannotbeseious - yes she does have that rather aggressive, uncouth manner - but I've noticed when I'm alone with her the silly jokes & put down comments don't happen as much - so she must know what she is doing
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A
male
reader, beach.boy  +, writes (21 September 2017):
its simple introduce them to a friend...or even try different types of friends.this allows energy to pass.like water,you can't stop it,so open a new place for it to go,thus relieving presure...
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (21 September 2017):
 Have you tried speaking to this friend who is the problem? Does she even realize the affect her "jokes" have on you? Is it perhaps her (admittedly rather uncouth) way of involving you in the conversations? Does she actually say these things maliciously, or is she just looking for ways to get a laugh without realizing it upsets you? Some people can actually laugh at their own past "blunders". Are you perhaps being over-sensitive?
Just asking as sometimes people honestly don't realize how people see their "humour".
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (21 September 2017):
 I think you need to get rid of both.
'Friend B' sits on the fence. She joins in just enough not to alienate 'Friend A' but only when she thinks it's done jokingly, which is just enough to appease you.
That also tells me she recognizes when it's not harmless jokes. And the fact that you don't see a way to ditch one without the other suggests you know you can't rely on her.
What kind of people do you want in your life? Those whose friendship is honest and solid or those who tear you down and those who sit and watch or even join in?
To hell with both of them.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2017): Thanks for the tips. I'm the OP. Yes on odd occasions the toxic friend happens to be at the same social events so is unavoidable if with mutual friends - but I guess I just have to be more bold & turn down opportunities of us all being out together. Sometimes I wish I was more brave in situations like this.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 September 2017):
 OK let me put some letters to these two women.
A is the toxic chick with the crappy sense of humor and B is the mutual friend.
My advice is to talk to B. Tell her look I like hanging out with you but I'm dropping my friendship with A because I've just had enough of being the butt of her jokes. And tell B that you don't expect B to make the same choice and if B rather not be your friend any longer that is, of course, OK too. You'd hate to see her go but also don't want to put her in the middle.
And then BE honest with A. Tell her, I wish you well but enough is enough and I see no reason for us to continue to be "friends" when you are this toxic. She might actually think she is hella fun! and not a total cow. So maybe a wake-up call is in order so she won't do this with other people.
After you have talked to both, BLOCK, DELETE and REMOVE A from all social networks etc.
If B rather stick with A than you, then it's DEFINITELY time to find new friends.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (20 September 2017):
 It is okay to invite the friend you like to occasions and ask her not to invite the other women. If she annoys you then stop hanging out with her. Sometimes in life we have to be cruel to be kind. If she is being hurtful to you then stop meeting up with her, tell the other friend that you do not like this woman.
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A
male
reader, Allumeuse +, writes (20 September 2017):
You just have to stand up to her. She is a bit of a bully, the next time she says something- call her out. something like-Look I really don't like the way you talk to me when you do that, so can you stop? She'll respond by saying something like 'It was only a joke- lighten up!' You can respond by saying ' I can take a joke from a friend, but when you talk like that, you don't feel like a friend'Modern life is all about avoiding confrontation, when sometimes that's exactly what it needs. Be brave- if youre a good bloke and you don't normally behave like that it'll be a surprise but have faith in your friends ability to see that this is really getting to you.If you talk calmly but firmly you shouldn't threaten her, but you should show her you are serious. If she is apologetic, then she is probably a good but insensitive person, if she is defensive then fuck her, you can't be liked by everybody. She will get the message and so will your friend. If you are out together, and the exchange went well, go and buy the drinks to lighten the mood.It should be a moments discomfort to solve a problem, if they avoid you from now on, you are no worse off, if they are more respectful- you are better off!
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (20 September 2017):
 I don't understand why you are still keeping company with this woman. When the aunts advised you to cut her out, that means cut her out. You can explain to your friend that you find the other woman a bit much and you would rather not go out with her. I think that is reasonable and could be explained without offence. You don't have to be everyone's friend. No-one does.
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