A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I looked at my boyfriend's phone when he got a notification. He was asleep after a night out, and left his phone on the sofa. Curiosity got to me so I read the message. There were 2 from girls. One of them said "Morning xx", the 2nd said "okay Daddy I know I'm being cheeky but I wouldn't ask if I had another choice, I tried getting a loan and I can't get one xx can you send anything at all to help with gas and electric..."I couldn't open the messages as his phone is on finger print locked. I wouldn't normally snoop. We've been together 3.5 years. I've had my suspicions that something is going on because our sex life has slowed right down to nothing the past few months. I was really upset about the lack of affection, I've had conversations but he would never give me a reason why, only that he was tired or not in the mood. I've wondered if he was gay or cheating. But he told me from the start that he's never cheated and that he was cheated on, so he never would do that.These messages seem very suspicious. Especially the 2nd one. Could she be a woman who is like a porn cam girl or something? She's calling him Daddy and asking for money... it sounds like they've been having a conversation.Urge, what do I do? I'd love to know the full story, but I can't get into his phone. If I ask him about it, he'll probably make up some story and be angry that I snooped.I wouldn't have snooped if I didn't have a feeling that something is wrong.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2020): If the second message came from someone at the pub who got your boyfriend's number from Bob, then how come it came up with her saved name? This CAN'T be the first time they've communicated this way.
Sounds like he's been rumbled and he's doing his best to butter you up. I mean, you asked and asked him before about the lack of sex to be met with little change and NOW he's flirting and asking you for sex?
I don't think he wants to lose you, but I think he likes to flirt and exchange phone numbers with females when you're not around. Your gut is telling you something, hence you've put your guard up when it comes to having sex. I would listen to your gut.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2020): I expected your follow-up post to be just like it is. Very conciliatory, you've calmed-down, and all you wanted was a feasible explanation; so you could rest peacefully in your denial. It is always the same. First comes the post full of high-anxiety, suspicion, and shock; then comes the one after talking to the boyfriend. It's like nothing ever happened.
Thus we should all now heed the disclaimer: "...but I love him!" Whether spoken or implied. Once that wall goes up, giving advice is like throwing wet spaghetti against it to see what sticks.
This may come across as offensive to some; but it is quite typical of posts from women in the 30-45+ age-group. Less likely to give-up a sorry no-count boyfriend. More likely to remain in a stormy-relationship loaded with drama and suspicion. They fear being out in the dating scene over 30; so they put-up with atrocious or abusive behavior from the men in their lives. I speak frankly, because I'm here to educate; not to pander to human-vanities or insecurities. I want to save some broken-hearts and wake-up those who sleep in their denial; or submit to their fate, without even trying to save themselves. So sue me! People hate the truth; they'd rather be lied to, if it makes them feel good. I'm not one of them. Tell me the truth, and nothing but the truth. I'll deal with it! I find lies infinitely more painful! I find telling me what you think I want to hear as condescending; and immensely insulting to my intelligence.
Let me play the devil's advocate here. This man had the numbers of these two women in his phone. He had the choice to decline them, or maybe shouldn't have asked for them in the first place. He didn't bother to tell you anything about these ladies beforehand. Why were you so alarmed by the messages to the degree you wrote DC, if lady-friends are okay with you? You also mentioned that these messages were followed by kisses to accent their somewhat flirtatious comments? Now, a judge has ruled that "x" is not necessarily a flirt; it is often left by force of habit. However, you use your own judgement by considering the context and tone of the message. Would you call somebody's boyfriend at 6am to wish him good morning? What would you expect his girlfriend to do, or to think? Would you ask a random-guy you met at a bar for bill money? What do you think he'd expect in return for it? You didn't mention she asked for a loan. His explanations seem like total bull-poop to me. I agree with Kenny!
Your sex-life has tanked. His remedy is being "flirty." OOOOOkay...alrighty-then!
This is my follow-up advice. Friends of the opposite sex are not supposed to be flirtatious when speaking or sending messages. They are to show respect for the man or woman you're committed to, and your relationship. Kisses and lovey-dovey pet-names are inappropriate when you know someone is either married, or has a committed-partner. Nicknames are fine, as long as that's what you go by, and that's the tag you're known to go by among your closest friends or colleagues. "Daddy" is also a handle hookers use for johns. It's not flattering, because it's short for "Sugar Daddy!" If he didn't want to hear from either of them; he would never have taken their numbers, and they wouldn't have his. I'm not telling you what you don't already know here...but you love him!
This is not meant to poison your mind, or to instigate trouble in your relationship. You know your man, I don't. Use your best judgement.
We have to be careful how we influence the thinking of our readers; but we sometimes have to offer you tidbits of truth or facts that you really need to consider. If you are satisfied with your boyfriend's explanation, so be it. I suggest you let him know that the lack of intimacy in your relationship remains a major concern; and the discovery of these phone messages put you in a very uncomfortable position as his girlfriend. Then you better open your eyes and see the reality of things. Pretending like you don't mind him having female-friends is okay; but women you meet at bars and the girlfriends of your buddies don't ring with much credibility as far as friends go.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry, I think I didnt explain the order of the story well. My boyfriend got the message from the girl calling him daddy, asking for money, the morningafter he was in the pub. Then I asked him about it, and he said he'd met her in the pub, she is a friend of his friend. I asked how did she have his number if she's just Bobs friend. He said that Bob must've given her his number. The day after my boyfriend told me this and after she sent the text asking for money, that I saw, my boyfriend told me that he had told her to get lost basically.
I do think it's weird that a random girl is asking him for money, and putting xx in the message. And another girl texting the same morning with xx. He's not told me about them before I saw the texts,and he wasn't very forthcoming with details when I asked him about them.
He told me he's told the morning xx text girl to stop talking to him, which seems odd, as if it was just a friendly chat, why the need to end talking? Seems very fishy.
When I brought up that I worry that he's cheating, he said he'd never do that,but maybe he means the physical act of sex? Whereas I believe having flirtatious, romantic or sexual chats with other people to be cheating too, and I'm worried that this is the case for him. He said we need to get our connection back, but he never told me that he thought we'd lost our connection. I just got told everything was ok whenever I asked to discuss our relationship.
I'm feeling confused majorly. He's a good partner in a lot of ways. I've got all these worries and doubts in my head. It's not fun. But I don't feel ready to leave him. My family love him. We do a lot together. We get on well most of the time. He says he wants to be with me and he'll work hard to make us work. I don't feel like I've got enough evidence that he has cheated, I've not seen the full conversations, all I've got is his words, my gut feeling as 2 texts I happened to see. I think I'll wait a bit longer to see how things develop and if his actions match his words. I will make an exit plan in the meantime and get my belongings in order in case I do decide to leave.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (12 November 2020):
 Like we said in previous reply's he could just make up any kind of story, and your supposed to buy that all all is ok.
Firstly a good morning text at 6am with kisses is rather iffy. Your boyfriend is obviously the first person on her mind when she wakes up in the morning.
The female friend of Bob is a bit suspect as well, i'm sure that Bob would not have voluntarily offered to give her number out unless your boyfriend asked for it. And if he wanted her number why did she not give it to him herself?.
So bob gives him her number,then the next day your boyfriend tells her where to go. Then after that she is texting calling him daddy and asking for gas & electric money.
I'm sorry OP, all sounds rather far fetched to me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo I asked him about the messages a d I explained that I have been feeling suspicious because of our lack of sex life. I asked who the texts were from. He said the first was a girl he met ages ago at wedding. When I asked a second time he said that he told her to stop talking to him as there's no point.I said I don't want him to stop talking to women if it is just a friendship. I just thought a good morning text with kisses at 6am seemed more than friendly to me.The second text,he told me that it was from a female friend of his male friend Bob. He told me that in the pub she was jokingly calling him Daddy, because he is old enough to be her dad. Then she was asking everyone for money at the pub. I asked how he had her number, and he said, his friend Bob must've given her the number. He then said the next day that he had spoken to her and told her where to go.I feel bad for snooping. But I've been feeling the way I have because of his behaviour. I explained all this and he said he'd take it on board and try harder. I said, I don't need a promise to try harder, I need honesty.So he's been very flirtatious with me since then, and said he does want to be with me and wouldn't cheat.So, I'm going to see what happens. He responded quickly when I asked who the girls were, so it didn't seem like a lie or story. It does seem extremely cheeky for a random female to ask an older man for money, and he had her name saved in his phone as it came up with the message.Although I didn't believe that he'd cheat. I wonder if he's flirting with other women on nights out. Only he knows.I talked about, is he possibly bored of the daily routine of get up, go to work repeat? He agreed with that and said we could work on our connection. I said I've had countless conversations with him about our declining sex life, and he's always been defensive or said he'll work on it, but nothing changes. So I stopped feeling hurt over it and stopped initiating sex and conversations about sex. Since then it's been about 5 months at least. I don't feel comfortable just jumping back in bed with him, even though he has been flirting and asking me. I just feel so confused about everything and I know that sex with give me those bonding hormones. I don't know if that's a good idea. We live together too, so that complicates things. We are off work together now for a few days so hopefully that'll give us time to discuss things.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2020): The thing about snooping is you're never prepared for what you should do if you find something awful or suspicious?
Well, you found a couple of flirtatious messages; and your sex-life has fizzled-out. You asked why sex has been scarce; but you got brushed-off.
Put it on a scale, and weigh snooping vs cheating! Same number of letters in either word!
Uhm, BTW...your boyfriend might be cheating on you...and you're worried he might be mad you snooped his phone??? You just found-out he's up to no-good!!!
Tell me, can you walk around like everything is peachy-keen and you're oblivious???
NO!!! You're going to do like so many others do...you'll pick a big fight and then blurt it all out in an angry outburst! Do it the old roundabout-way! Trust me, he put the fingerprint-lock on it; because he knows you'd snoop anyway.
Well, now you have some idea what's-up! Seems logical to me you'd tell him what you found, and how you feel about it. It's not like he'd suddenly shut you off! You ain't gettin' none anyway!
Girlfriend, he can only flip the script; if you don't stay focused and on-topic! Stick to the point! That being, two unidentified-tarts are sending flirty-messages to him; meanwhile, your sex-life has tanked without any explanation. Who should be the angriest?
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (9 November 2020):
 My gut instinct is that he has a child with another woman, hence the "daddy" title. Just because he SAID he wouldn't cheat does not necessarily mean he wouldn't. Words are cheap and people will often say what they think someone wants to hear.
You can't unsee what you saw so, as I see it, you have three choices: say nothing and let the uncertain drive you crazy, pack your bags and leave (or throw him out if the accommodation is yours) or admit what you saw and see what he says. If I were you I would find it impossible to say nothing. I would need to know.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (9 November 2020):
It all sounds a little suspicious to me, especially the second notification that he got.
I don't think its a porn cam girl, Its sounds like he has got an emotional attachment to someone. Asking to help with the gas and electric is rather specific. I think that you are right to be suspicious as this is an odd request. It could be that he has got someone pregnant and they are on his back for more money.
I'm not going to condone snooping through someones phone, as we both know that that's not right. Although in this instance a notification came through, and you just felt impelled to look.
I think that the trust barrier has been broken in this relationship. Trust is one of the most important factors that hold a relationship together, and he has broken this.
There is no point in even asking him, your correct when you say he will just make up some story, then be angry you looked at his phone.
Your sex life has slowed right down to nothing, and a complete lack of affection, another tell tail sign something is going on.
I think that you best option here would be to end this relationship and just walk away. I don't see a positive outcome if you stay. Save yourself future heartache and leave him.
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