A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:How do I get taken seriously in social and professional situations?I am 33 years old, though I look younger than I am. Recently something has been bothering me. I have always been a good listener, and people tend to open up to me. However, this has led to a situation where I have many friendships that are very much more one-way than two-way affairs. I would like (gently and quietly) to move towards a position where I have more reciprocal relationships with people. However, the problem is I am not generally taken seriously by the people around me! My partner is great, but by others I am frequently treated as if I were much younger than I am, or as if my opinion was irrelevant. One male friend in particular will go on for hours and hours, but if I say anything to him will stop immediately and say in a highly condescending way 'Can I just finish...?' At work, I am never treated as someone who possesses any authority, even though I'm actually an expert with letters before and after my name! I am an intelligent and articulate woman, and I have proved this over and over again academically, achieving at the highest level. But I'm stuck in unrewarding jobs. I'm doing my best to rectify this by working hard and getting wide experience, but I think my personal attitude may be contributing to my lack of opportunities at work. To be clear, I don't want to impose myself on everyone around me in an arrogant way. I will never be a conflictual person. But I am clearly not embodying authority, and I think this is hurting my job prospects. I do want to be treated with more respect and dignity than currently, even if this means being firmer on some issues. Can anyone recommend advice or self-help books that might assist me in changing this?
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male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (23 February 2011):
"A wise, mature person is known for her understanding. the more pleasant her words, the more peruasive she is"
Believe in what say, and if you are sharing wisdom, they will listen. :)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2011): Hi, I'm the original poster - just wanted to say thanks to the anonymous poster for her advice. I will check out the book
Jmtmj - I work in an academic field. I have a PhD, but I'm being held up by a lack of jobs in my particular area of the arts. I'm doing a pre-med course with a view to changing direction completely and becoming a doctor, a profession where having authority and being taken seriously is crucial. Hence, I want to sort this problem out!
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A
male
reader, firstlovelastlove +, writes (23 February 2011):
 "One male friend in particular will go on for hours and hours, but if I say anything to him will stop immediately and say in a highly condescending way 'Can I just finish...?" I am just one man but I'd say something like "You were finished. An hour ago. Now it's my turn." Sometimes using humor to get your point across helps people take a more honest look at their behavior. Maybe your "male friend" is 'in love with the sound of his own voice'. I avoid these people like the plague. Maybe limiting the time you spend around people who don't take you seriously would also help.I would suggest getting a tape recorder (or whatever current technology is available -- yes, I am old) and recording your voice. Play it back and listen to the sound of your voice. For example when you ask a question instead of the sound of your voice going higher (soprano?) at the end make it either stay the same or go lower (baritone?). It's hard to explain sound through the written word. I don't know if you have ever heard of the U.S. television program "Cheers". There was a character in it named Lilith. If you get a chance to hear this woman speak this is what I am talking about.In business settings I have found some people take other people more seriously when they are dressed in a more 'business-like' way. I am not saying you don't already do this. I am just going by what I did and did not read in your post. I truly wish you all the best!
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (23 February 2011):
 Can I ask what your professional field you are in?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2011): I know precisely where you're coming from. I seemed to attract the kinds of people who I help to get on in life while I treat water... or I give a lot and they take and I get nowhere. My advice is to read a book called 'Nice girl syndrome' I think its by Beverly Engel - not sure of spelling and I don't have the book to hand. However it outlines how people like us do attract these people because we give off certain vibes - I found the book helpful beyond belief and just being more assertive now as a result has made people sit up and take notice and respect me more. I also feel like less of a doormat. Its not about conflict and confrontation but more about asserting your rights and being clear in meeting your own needs as a priority. I hope this helps you.
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