A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I found out my ex cheated on me this Monday. We had a lot of problems throughout our relationship, so many that I lose count. We had an argument last Thursday he was bottling up a lot inside it turned out he didn’t like I was friends with my ex, I didn’t post about him on social media, he didn’t like that I mentioned my ex, that I didn’t initiate sex, etc. He broke down and vented, he left my home, and I had asked him to stay. But he didn’t, that night he called me I didn’t really want to talk so I didn’t pick up and just ended up texting him. That Friday he always picks me up from work but he didn’t want to, he wanted a day to himself. I said okay, when I left work I asked to see him he said no, i kept asking he said no. That weekend we didn’t see each other, I was upset he blew me off. Monday we finally saw each other after I got out of work and he ended up cheating on me that Friday with an escort. I was so hurt and in a state of shock. I was so torn between taking him back and not to, I ended up talking to him the next two days I ended up finding out that everytime we argued he sought to hook up with someone, he had so many secret accounts of porn stars and strippers, he had a secret snap that while we were together he messaged a girl on three separate occasions. I’m still so hurt, I found out a lot about him, in each relationship he ended up texting other girls like this while with someone. It helped to know that this wasn’t my fault, that he had a lot of issues and it wasn’t just me not giving him enough attention and sex. The pain is still there, since it’s fresh, so many lies and secrets. I told him that he needed help, to stop lying to stop the secrets, in the end it boils down to him being insecure. He’s insecure in himself and he feels like the person will leave, cheat, so he wants to have power and seeks attention from other girls. He has a lot of issues and insecurities that he put onto me. I am now trying to help him, deal with all his lies and insecurity by seeking to understand and love himself better so he won’t make the same mistake later on in life. I wish in a way I could take him back because I love him, but I know it’s not good for me. All I’m doing now is helping him overcome his issues as a friend. He saw a therapist today and that makes me so glad that hopefully he’ll be able to grow and mature from all this. I am still so hurt broken but little by little I’m feeling like I am not blaming myself for his actions that there was nothing I could of done, he would’ve done so eventually. He said he loves me, but I honesty don’t think he ever did. He wants to change to be a better person for me or without me, and that makes me glad. I want him to get better but I don’t think I could ever put myself in a position to feel hurt again, my love for him is turning into one of friendship. I forgive him because it’s so much more easier than hating him. I guess, I just want to get stronger.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 May 2019):
 Just start by letting him go and cutting ALL contact with him.
There is nothing here to fix with him.
He is putting ALL the blame on you, even though he know his own behavior is questionable if not downright super inappropriate for someone in a relationship.
He is USING your "perceived" faults, such as being friends with your ex, initiate sex, whatever... as an EXCUSE for him to do "bad behaviors".
NOTHING you did is the REAL reason he hired an escort. THAT was his CHOICE, perhaps his way of sabotaging things. FOR HIMSELF.
DO NOT try and stay friends. CUT all contact. He needs to work on himself and YOU need to BE free of him and his influence. THIS is NOT a good match for you. And he can not BE your friend.
So cut loose, delete, block, unfriends, remove him from your life - that way you BOTH can work on moving on and moving forward.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (18 May 2019):
 I doubt hanging onto him as a friend and acting as his mentor is going to help YOU. You already understand what went on and that it was down to HIM, not you; why do you need to hang around and help him work it out? Why do you see him as your responsibility?
Are you secretly hoping he will become the boyfriend you actually wanted and, once "mended", you can take him back? You must realize you are just storing up more heartache for yourself.
My advice, for what it's worth, is to concentrate on YOURSELF. Let HIM work out his own life. You have enough on your plate healing from the cheating and lying. That said, I doubt you will listen to that advice but that is your choice. You want to get stronger but you are desperately hanging onto what made you feel weak and vulnerable. What will make you feel stronger is walking away on your own and not trying to hang onto this relationship which dragged you down. I hope you have the strength to take that first step. If not, I predict you will be back.
Learn to love YOURSELF first.
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