A
female
age
41-50,
*atient1
writes:How do I get past all the damage he's caused? My husband is an alcoholic and we've had some major issues in the past. For the past 2 years he gets real mean and aggressive when he drinks a lot. I have left him several times and each time I come back hoping for change. Once again I have returned home about a month ago to try and reconcile our differences. He has gotten physical with me again already and has said some really nasty hateful things to me. Usually the next day he's very sweet and acts as if nothing ever happened or he only holds on to the things I say or do after he has made me so mad I can't see straight. Other than leaving once again, what else can I do to make this work? I know it's easy to say leave him and don't go back until he has gotten help and recovered, but it's just not that easy for me. Nor is it easy for me to keep forgiving him for all the things he's said and done to me. When we argue he tries to turn everyone against me, our friends, my family, even his ex-wife and my step-son. I want to make things work, but I can't get past all of the damage he's caused. I know I shouldn't live in the past, but it's all the things he's done in the past that makes me feel the way I do today. I don't feel like I can trust him anymore and a part of me hates who he has become. Any advice?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2007): All of these posts have been *very* helpful. I am married to an alcoholic who is not a US citizen. We have been married just about three months -- I never saw his drunkeness coming. He rants, he throws things, he calls me names, we have no physical relationship at all -- AND HE WON'T TALK ABOUT ANYTHING PERSONAL. I know Al-Anon is a good resource. I have arranged to stay with friends for a few days just to clear my head.
A
female
reader, Cateyes +, writes (10 May 2007):
 Again, everyone has listed the options that I would be recommending to you as well. First off, never say you can't do something, because you can. I firmly believe, where there is a will, there is a way. AND you can make it. At first you may not see the light, but it will come. It will take time for you to land on your feet the way you want it to...so you must be patient. Second, you need to decide exactly WHAT you really want to do. Do you really want to temporarily separate or actually go through with a divorce? Third, call or stop by where an Alanon meeting is held to get some local places of a shelter...and don't think you can't go there...THAT'S WHAT THEY ARE THERE FOR! There may also be some listings in your local telephone book or even on the internet in your community. If you own your own home, and you decide to get a divorce, make that part of what you must have to provide that environment of which your child has grown up in to be your's again - stability. (I am confused though, I thought you said step-son, so I will take it you both have full custody of him ) HE WILL have to pay child support once the divorce process is settled...and IF he doesn't...let that be his problem if he goes to jail or when they eventually catch him. Again, his problem not your's!! In the mean time, the shelter that which you will stay at will provide you means of how to get assistance with food, clothing, etc...to help you out until you are able to get on your own 2 feet again. Even with daycare. They can even assist with a place for you to find permanent residency that you can afford. There is so much help available to you...believe me. But it won't coming running to you, you need to make some calls and maybe even go to some of the different options that will be available to you to see if this is the place for me...remember, it won't be forever. I did have help staying with my sister and her boyfriend for a year, and I did pay them some rent money because I wasn't there to take advantage of them, but I wanted to be on my own again. There were ton's of bills that he left me with and I knew he wouldn't pay them, so I did because I didn't want to ruin my credit. It paid off...not only am I happy, but I have done well with my job, and I think alot has to do with my state of mind once I left my marriage. And I know you have a child, BUT, you will find the way....we always do, because we want so much better for ourselves and most importantly for you, because of your child. If you ever need to write me, feel free to do so...It will work out for you...think positive and keep a good head on your shoulders and don't sweat the small stuff even though you think they are just HUGE right now. Best of Luck...and keep in touch!
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A
female
reader, penta +, writes (9 May 2007):
 The women's shelter idea is a good one, but I also recommend (again) starting with the Al-Anon meetings. The people there have been through what you're going through, and there will be women at the meetings who will know about your local resources, shelters and all. Some of the Al-Anon counselors are really great about knowing how to get away from an alcoholic.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (9 May 2007):
 Check with a women's shelter, they may be able to get you some temporary housing until you can afford your own place or at least advise you on the options available to you.
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A
female
reader, Patient1 +, writes (9 May 2007):
Patient1 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you all for your words of advice. One of the biggeest problems I'm having is that I have no where to go. I was fortunate when I left before that I had a small 1 bedroom apartment that a friend of mine let me stay in for free. But the lease is up on that and I no longer have that option. I don't have family that I can stay with and I can't afford to get a place on my own. At least not without child support and he has made it very clear that if I leave he will not pay a dime until he's ordered by the courts. Well, the only way I can file for temp. custody is to be separated and not living in the same home as my husband. I can't move out until I have enough money and a stable place to live. I work and I have a decent job, but I pay out $800.00 a month in daycare, and $400.00 a month for medical and $370.00 a month for my car (which he elected to get, and stopped helping me pay for because it COSTS TOO MUCH!!!) And $110.00 a month for auto insurance, and food and gas. That's pretty much my whole paycheck. I just don't know how I can up and move. Does anyone know what options may be available??????? Please help, I desperately want to get out of this relationship, I just don't know how I can make it financially. Thank you!
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A
female
reader, Cateyes +, writes (9 May 2007):
I will have to agree to much of what "Penta" has said below. I was married to an alcoholic and he tried to get help several times from rehab's, a half way house and then finally...Alcoholics Anonomous. (AA) BUT, that wasn't till after we separated for a year, and then I literally caught him with another woman-mind you, that was the one I was aware of. In the beginning, it started out to be just verbal abuse, but then it got physical. I was brought up always believing.."till death do you part"...but this is one where GOD does forgive if you divorce! NO ONE deserves ANY form of abuse and one day, GOD forbid, you might not wake up from the abuse because he's just do damn drunk and he's not gonna remember!! Right now, YOU need to worry about YOU...plain and simple! He will NEVER get sober with you going back and forth and NOT MEANING WHAT YOU SAY! If you say no...MEAN IT! He already knows what he can get away with, you have already shown him that...now, you need to mean some business. I went to ALANON, and at first, I didnt' like it. I thought everyone in there was sick. (like I wasn't!) But, it took me several times in going to really grasp what the meetings were about and to see what my relationship with my ex had done to ME. Please go, I highly recommend it. Give it some time to really understand. Also, you could buy an AA book and give it to him and let him know you also would like for him to attend an AA meeting. Have the place and time ready and available for him. I can only wish you the best of luck and always know you can contact us. Take care.
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A
female
reader, cd206  +, writes (8 May 2007):
 Only you have the power to change this situation. That may seem harsh when you're not the person with the problem but it's true. Right now he's in a place where he's too messed up to help you or himself and he needs to admit he has a problem before he has any chance of recovery. When you're in a situation where you're being treated very badly it's easy to put all the blame for your unhappiness on that other person when really the onus to be happy is on you. Are you happy in your relationship? If not you need to get out and find someone who can make you happy.
CD
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A
female
reader, penta +, writes (8 May 2007):
Honey, I'm going to give you the advice that you really don't want, because it's the best I have for you. He's an alcoholic. You can't trust him right now. You need to protect yourself and your finances from him. And you need to let him hit bottom so that he will want to change, which he will NEVER do as long as you keep taking him back the way he is.
File for a legal separation, so that you won't be responsible for any new debts. Tell him that you're leaving, but that you're not going to divorce him unless he doesn't get any help. Decide what you want to change (his drinking, for one, but there's other behavior that's a problem) and tell him you'll come back if that changes. THEN STICK TO YOUR GUNS. You've come back to him so many times that he has no reason to believe you will stay away. And you really have to this time.
For yourself, regardless of what he does, start going to Al-Anon meetings. They're for family members of Alcoholics. The meetings were a godsend for me. http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ Do this even if you don't take my advice to leave him; this will really help you.
Please do leave him. It's your best answer.
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