A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Okay! First off i was in a realtionship with this guy for 3 years. The beginning was amazing, but then during about 2 years into our relationship, he began to be very standoffish, meaning we never (very rarely) spent anytime together. He was always with his friends, i also kept hearing he was with other girls, messing around with them and what have you! We ended up breaking up because i had met someone new. This new guy is great, we've been in a realtionship for almost 7 months now and ive almost ruined it 2 or 3 times. I am constantly paranoid as to who he's talking to, who he is with, and the worst one, if i see a pretty girl ( or someone i feel is prettier than me ) im like is he looking at her, and if he does, the same question always comes to my mind, why is he looking at her, if were dating, is it because im not good enough? Yes, i blame most of who i am today because of my ex boyfriend, but that still doesn't give me the right to do it to my now boyfriend, when he has done nothing to me to even feel so jealous or insecure. I guess my main question is, How can i get over being so jealous of what my boyfriend is doing, who he is talking to, and whether or not im pretty enough for him..?I want to be able to stop worrying about all of these things so we can have a healthy relationship. I also check my now boyfriends phone to see who he has been texting because im nervous he is cheating. (yes, its bad but i honestly feel that the reason i do these things is because of what i went through with my ex boyfriend, i just want to stop doing it to my now boyfriend!!Pleaseeeee help! :(
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female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (15 February 2011):
 Okay then: STOP!
STOP checking his phone to see who he has been calling or texting. For one thing, its none of your business, and for another, have you not heard of a self-fulfilling prophecy? It means that we can, by our behavior (in your case your jealousy, fear and lack of trust) bring about the very result we DON'T want!! In other words, if you hold all this in your mind and heart, the result could be that he'll eventually get fed up and end it.
I know you don't want that to happen.
Think about your ex for a moment: what led to him being standoffish? By the way, he - and you - are entitled to spend time with your friends, you're not joined at the hip, you know, together 24/7. You say you ended it because you met someone else. I'm sure you were disappointed about the ex, but its a better idea to take time off when one relationship ends before beginning another because you need time to heal and to learn from the previous one.
Keep in mind, too, that even when married, men - and women -are still going to notice an attractive member of the opposite sex. That's natural and to be expected. What isn't to be expected is that they'll start an affair (either a non-sexual - i.e., emotional or physical with someone else.
I know you say you've "almost ruined it" two or three times already, and I know you don't want that to happen.
That's why I say to you: Stop! Begin by not checking his phone, and then start to realize its natural for him to notice other pretty girls - as it is for you to notice good-looking men.
Make up your mind to have a little more faith and trust in your boyfriend UNLESS and UNTIL you have good solid reason NOT to.
A
female
reader, Sabrena  +, writes (15 February 2011):
If you want others to love u than u have to love urself first, damn tell urself aint no girl pritier than u especialy in ur man's eye because if tht ws the case he would be with her and nt u, listen wen u love someone u thnk thy r perfect even if others dnt thnk tat way so thnk like tht obviously to hm ur perfect because he is with u and nt tht pretty girl tht walked past. Put ur head up walk with style love urslef have confidence men love wman wth confidence;)
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