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female
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anonymous
writes:As short as I can keep it, I came out of a bad marriage 7 years ago, it was almost 4 years after I felt ready to try dating again, then I met a man who appeared to be all I could want, we got off to a good start, to cut it short I ended up pregnant. He dumped me as soon as I uttered the words. I coped and I have a beautiful almost 2 year old daughter. Her father has never been near. Now I'm seeing a terrific man, hes funny good looking and we enjoy each others comapany,he lives some miles from me and we see each other when we can. He wouldn't know that when he goes it feels like I'll never see him again, even though I know I will. I know he likes me but dont know why, I guess its the fear of being left.I've made a few near fatal mistakes already and if I act impusivley again instead of thinking things through I'm sure it will be over. How do I get over this fear of being left and trust that not everyone is going to leave...the man of the moment has no idea how I worry or indeed how much I like him. I think if he saw how I was inside he'd think I dont need this, I'm good at hiding my fears from him, so how can I not convince myself. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2007): Good advice from Daniel. And I just want to add some comments here. Firstly, your self-esteem took a big knock when you were treated badly, in your past. So this is why your fears come back to haunt you. We all do that..it's human. My recommendation to you if you want to allay the fears is to do this: Go sloooow. Take the time to get to know your new man's character. Learn about his past track record, his past habits and figure out if any of that was inappropriate, immature behaviors. That will tell you a lot about him. But I do have to say, if you want to avoid any hurt in your life, you may as well be in a coma. Life is a one shot deal and these are the risks involved, hun. You need to understand that your past bad relationships were human mistakes, and as you pointed out-an impulsiveness, not discerning, not using your head and going blindly with your feelings, only. That was your downfall, in the past. You learned from it, you are aware and you've figured out why you did allow people in your life, who hurt you. Do you understand why it happened, why you made these choices? Only you can prevent it from happening again. It sounds like you have learned what a healthy relationship looks like and what a healthy man looks like, so now, you can stop putting up with people who can't give you the love you want. Setting boundaries in a relationship helps. Letting a loved one know what you won't tolerate is a goodthing to set out.It doesn't have to be done in a confrontational way...just in a calm discussion about what you both want from a relationship. Good luck dear and keep using your head.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you or taking the time to reply to my question, I guess I should just relax a little and see how it goes..
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reader, Danielepew  +, writes (21 July 2007):
 Madam, I very much understand your fear and your pain, and very much want to help.
There is no guarantee that a man is never, ever, going to leave. But, some of us are keepers and do stay the course.
Your fear of being left is not letting you have the love of this man, who is not at all responsible for what the other two men did to you. It is not letting you have his love, either. You two are worse off than you should be. If I were you, I would take the first opportunity to talk to him and say you're afraid of losing him, and also you're afraid of being hurt again. If he's any good, he'll be very understanding, and I think he would make a real effort to show you he cares. This might be the way to go for you to feel safe with him.
Cheer up and be bold, though cautious.
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