A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:A year ago I sunk into depression and had to take 6 months off college to recover. I'm sure other people who have suffered from depression would be able to relate when I say 'I wasn't myself'. During this time I did some incredibly stupid things, the worst of which I'm still struggling to get over now. I decided I needed to make money so I decided to do some modelling, and somehow from that I ended up being offered cash to give photographers blow jobs, hand jobs, or have sex with them. I never actually got as far as meeting up with any of these men, it was mainly just sex talk and discussion of prices and what they wanted me to wear (these men were in their 30's or 40's, I was 16 at the time). But now I'm fully recovered from depression I'm really disgusted with myself, and it's affecting my relationship with my current boyfriend. We've been together for 7 months and within a few weeks of us going out he found the text messages on my phone from these men. Every so often he'll get me talking about the situation back then and I can just feel how disgusted he is by me, and it really upsets me. I don't want anyone else to know what I did (so no councelling), but how can I overcome this?
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male
reader, DoubleM  +, writes (28 January 2008):
 You indicate that you "never actually got as far as meeting up with any of these men" who propositioned you. They were the ones breaking the law, and all degrees of morality, by conducting these requests.
They probably should and could still be reported for this, but it might put you back in the middle of depression about it.
Still, who else might these jerks be victimizing as long as they keep getting away with it.
So maybe some nudie type pictures were taken or something, you don't say, but although that could come back to haunt you someday, if you went no further sexually, I don't think you should ever again be depressed about it.
What your new boyfriend thinks is less important to me than you moving on from this and finding happiness. Private counseling might help, if needed, and would remain totally confidential, but whatever it takes, move on and be happy.
A
female
reader, O Connor  +, writes (28 January 2008):
 well first of all, at least you have matured by this and you regret it and know it was wrong. second of all, not letting anyone else know about it like a counsellor may prove to be a bit of a bad decision. i know you may thing that they will judge you or not understand you but they are the ppl that can help you, even if its just to talk to someone who wont judge. and about your boyf, maybe you should sit him down , and fully explain why you did this and how much you have learned from it. im sure he will understand and respect the fact that you were sick. i really think you should talk to someone if you really cant ger over it. but wat you did was in the past and you no longer do it - out of choice. i hope some of this helps, if you even wanna talk to me some more feel free to email me
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A
female
reader, MissKin +, writes (28 January 2008):
 Is he really disgusted by it? You may be misinterpreting his actions.
Lets address the issue of you still having the texts on your phone. this is like keeping the past in the present. i suggest deleting them. sort of cleansing them from your physical life per say.
So your boyfriend found the messages, he obviously loves you but if you don't explain things to him, he will always wonder and never understand. I suggest telling him you were in a state of depression and were confused and the whole story. explain your feelings, your reasonings and explain to him that you regret it, you'd never do such things again.
People have emotional pasts, everyone has things they are not proud of and some, like yourself and even me, do things they wish so much they could erase and they can barely think about.
However, there is no way to take it back - so accept it, move on. try to forget about it.
I wish u all the best and i hope it all works out.
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A
female
reader, nailglitter18  +, writes (28 January 2008):
 Let me point out to you (as a psych student) that psychologists are "sworn to secrecy" from day one of school!! Anything that they are told in confidentiality, they are bound to keep to themselves (they can basically only tell if they feel like you might hurt yourself (suicide) or someone else, and even then, it's only to the appropriate authorities, who, in turn, have to keep confidentiality).
I really think you would do well to see someone about this problem. Your boyfriend should understand- you were desperate, you were (in essence) ill. Yes, many people get lost and depressed, especially in college. It's hard stuff to live up to.
All the advice in the world just isn't the same as being able to tell everything - all the details- to a professional who will not (and I mean NOT EVER) judge you. At least they SHOULDN'T, beyond a professional opinion.
The role of a psychologist, generally, is to lead you to answer your own questions. It's a safe haven to explore your mind, to open yourself up, pick up the pieces inside, and put them back together. It's hard, and it takes time. But ultimately, if you stick to it, it can be extremely rewarding.
Find a good psychologist- this may mean trying more than one. The first visit should honestly be about seeing whether you two "click". If you don't feel comfortable with the person, then there's no point in going on with him/her- you're not gonna be able to open up.
Make a promise to yourself, and a set of goals (the psychologist should have a goal sheet, or some equivalent) that you'd like to achieve during the sessions, and stick to them.
See what happens. Believe me, it may be scary, but you'll feel better letting it all out.
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