A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello there!!I have this little problem with my girlfriend. Only recently after her many lies she told me that she had two times on two different ocassions sex with 2 guys. But it gets much more complicated than this. The first time it happened with a guy she dated but she let him go because she found out he only wanted her for sex and didn't care about her. Only because of some nude pictures of her she continued going out with him and one night while they were at a party the guy asked her if she wants to have a threesome with his friend which was present at the party. She said yes, then she again said yes, went in the car with them, they drove her to an abandoned field and had sex with her. Now she says even though she said yes that time she thought that he's only joking so she joked too about the whole idea. She admits it was very uncomfortable when she stepped in the car with them and she got really scared when they stopped on an abandoned place. When the guy started preparing the car for the sex she got even more scared because he was a cop but she still didn't beleive they really want to do it. When the guy started touching her and putting her panties down she said she completly froze with fear and pretended to be "dead". So what continued was that the guys had sex with my girlfriend even though she wasn't moving an inch or making a single moan. It was all in a threesome like way because they were taking turns on her. One of the guy even tried to put his thing into her mouth but she just turned the head other way around. So this all resulted in her feeling raped, cheap, stupid and robbed of her life. Just month after the first incident her long time ex called her (a different guy) if she wants to have a threesome. Again she thought it was just a joke because he didn't seem like the guy for it so she said yes. Now the same scenario. She's getting in the car. They drove her to an abandoned place for a little picnic where she and her ex got fairly drunk. When they were leaving in the night she had sex with her ex while they were alone in the car. But then after that the other guy came, he picked her on his arms from the car, he then put her on the front of the car, put on a condom and had sex with her. Again she said she was frozen with fear because they guy was a very very aggresive guy who she saw had a few fights and many many arguments.The outcome of all this was that she never answered the phone when both of the ex guys called her again.Now as you can see this is probably a 1 in a 1 000 000 case and it happened twice so it's even more improbable that a girl ends up like this. She said it happened to her in the worst possible time because she had depressions back thene. I've heard a few stories in my life similar to this and even knew two guys who wanted to get a girl drunk and have a threesome with them because they thought she was too dumb to say no. My problem is that it is so hard to beleive in all this, and it really tears up my guts and heart up to know that she was really this stupid twice in her life. She assured me that she didn't want it nor enjoyed a single second of it. You know she always looked like a very inteligent person and was always the one most initiative in the class and etc, but yeah I saw beforehand that she had some problems with empathy and she's bad at understanding other people or predicting their behavior. So what should I do?? Beleive it?? And if I should beleive it, how should it affect me and what should I be doing?? Not an easy question I know.
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cheap, condom, drunk, ex called, her ex, nude pictures, threesome Reply to this Question
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male
reader, OwHiTeLiOnO  +, writes (25 April 2008):
 Dude,
Break up with her. If she owned up to it I would respect it, but I cannot stand when people use excuses that do not make any sense. Go get tested.
OwHiTeLiOnO
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2008): Believe this what she did in her past was just that. The truth is she probably was not happy with herself and thought by having sex with two men she would be the object of their affection and it would be great. In realty as a man I can tell you it is purely sexual and now she is trying to atone for her past. She has no need to explain and or atone as if you love her you will get past it. It is not for you to judge if she liked it or not just be there for her while she is telling you something that she has probably never told anyone. Never betray her confidence to any one even if you break up!!!!!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2008): Orig poster here.
I don't really like how the other posters react to this. I see these as common moralisation attempts from people who have never been in such situations. All similar questions like these have a few of these ultra perfect people who think they would act like their suggesting in their advice. Well let me tell you, you have no right to demonize me because I have a hard time having accepting something like this because if you were in my shoes god knows how you would react. Just be lucky you never ended up in such mess. And actually I haven't been putting any excessive pressure on her at all and if yes it was only short-term and only because she was lying from the start. I'm not a bonehead for christ sake and I know how all this could be damaging. Why the short-term pressure?? Well you know you can decide not to say anything about your past and that's ok with me. But you have no right to say that "something" happened and then lie about it and screw it till no end. All the details I know she told me the first time she spoke about it.
chlez83 asked basicaly what would I do if she liked it. I would break-up imidiately. I'm not a bad person. Maybe imperfect but still human. In other words just a human who has his limits. It would be no use in torturing myself and herself by staying in a relationship I have problems with. Plain and simple.
If you chlez83 want to find your limits, go and date someone who has had threesomes before you (not threesomes with you). You'll only find your real limits until you get into such a situation.
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A
male
reader, chlez83  +, writes (28 January 2008):
Well dude whether you believe it or not the 1st thing you should do when you learn of such a thing is to offer your sympathy and support.Proving is for later.After reading your follow up post i see a problem.Your desire for minute details is also breaking her apart and you don't seem to notice it.Your obsession for finding out details of her past will chase her away.You are being selfish and self centred.Do you really care about your gf? Have you ever sat down to talk about your desire to know "what and why"? If she has declined to further discuss it why don't you respect her feelings and decisions? What will you do if you find out she actually mourned and groaned or even gave them oral and anal sex too? The problem is that you find your gf's past hard to accept and need we tell you that nothing more you know will change it.Either live with it or leave her.
Good Luck.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (28 January 2008):
 It does help her to not feel revictimized. This happened before you got together. When she's, more than likely, felt guilt for this time and time again, why do you feel it's in your place to continue her being haunted by this event. How do you feel about her? Why did you get together? What is it about her that you love? That's what's important here.
What you are doing by her reliving this and the way you're treating it is causing her further pain than she all ready has. Someone who "really" loves someone else would want to protect her from being hurt and in pain, not be causing it. Do you know what regressed behavior is? In a way it's a trigger that causes someone to relive an experience, so instead of being traumatized once, they are traumatized again as if it's a completely separate event. All though she's responsible of the situation, by believing BS, that doesn't mean she didn't develop issues from it happening.
I've seen this happen. That's partially why what you're doing is in the category of mental abuse. If you continue doing this to her, you might push her into a state of irrepariable mental health.
If she wants to talk about it, listen to her, but out of love don't judge her for what happened. Put yourself in her shoes and how she all ready feels, then by reliving it, how she must feel now.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2008): Hi Tv guy. Orig poster here. You're taking the things out of context so it fits your picture. Actually she knows very well that the first time she consented to the thing so her fault is as big as theirs. The second time it was something different because they insisted in getting her drunk (she refused to drink first time) and the guy wihtout saying a word took her from the car and had sex with her being drunk and "dead". You can say that the guy tricked her because she consented to a threesome and not this type of sex. Again she thought that if she's going to resist something even worse is going to happen.
I don't want to play the victim game here because it's not the issue here. She knows it was her fault and accepts it. Even though she says the second time she was basicaly tricked/cheated. But she also knows that all the guys didn't have good intentions because they told her things after it in a strange calm way that had a quite evil meaning. Believe me I don't want to get into those quotes because it creeps the hell out of me. So again the victimization is not an issue and it doesn't really help her feeling less responsible.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2008): TV set guy again.
I don't think the fact that she has threesomes is the biggest issue with this girl's actions. You might not like it, but tons of people in this world have done it. And tons of people have had partners who had to deal with it later on.
What is a lot more worrisome to me is how she is viewing & handling the whole thing. She's basically saying, "I had mixed feelings at the time and now I regret it. So that means it was done against my will and it's not my fault."
That line of reasoning and acting is gonna continue to cause more stuff you won't like in the future. She doesn't like what she did, so is mentally rewriting what happened to remove her control & resonsibility for any of it.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (28 January 2008):
I would have to say it was just 2 big mistakes. You're right about this may happen once, but twice. Thinking two separate people would joke about it. That's not very likely.
The problem here is why are you viewing her past like you are. What really matters is you and her being together, and how you feel about one another now. Now what she did and didn't do before shouldn't be something that's of importance in your relationship now. I think you need to find a way of dealing with situations and not allowing past actions affect you now. It's hard sometimes but weather a mistake or rape, you're making her relive something that it doesn't sound like she is really excited about doing.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2008): I'm the original poster. To the poster who talks about the TV set. It was with 4 different guys. Her fresh ex and her long time ex + 2 different guys. Ok I've kinda studied the "freeze" effect among women and she said that she thought she's going to be beaten or done something much worse if she's not going to let them do their thing. Given the situation and people who were there it's likely probable.
To the poster Richard Emids. You know that no matter how your past was colorfull you still might have problems with the whole issue? Just look up on this very site and you might find such issue among people who had the same past. Quite hypocritical isn't it?? But yes I do not like colorful pasts but the real dealbreaker are orgies. I just can't stand them and I never even for a single time thought of participating in any kind of group sex with any number of females or males. I'm just not like that and never will be. This whole issue is something between that and that. That's why it's so hard to decide. I love her and I respect her for who she is and don't want this to be a problem but until I'm going to be more sure about what and why happened I won't have peace.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2008):
If a casual acqaintance walks into your house and asks if he can have your TV set, do you just say "yeah sure" and then ride over to their house with them and help them carry it in?
Or course not. Not if you're gonna claim later that he stole it from you against your will. Maybe you felt "threatened" and maybe you didn't, but you can't sit there and call it a theft if you handled it like you did.
And if he comes back a week later and asks to have your DVD player, do you say "sure" and go over & help him set it up again? Was that another "theft?"
By not objecting to the acts at the time and then claiming it was against her will later on, she's trying to have it both ways and that's not fair to anyone. Either she consented or she did not. In the case of this girl I think it definitely falls into the "consented" category.
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A
male
reader, Richard_EMids  +, writes (28 January 2008):
 The nub of the matter is, you have a hang-up about her sexual past. If you had had a couple of 3somes , maybe FMF, would you be feeling better? Wouldn't this issue go away if you'd had more experiences than her?? A 4some; an orgy; and a nice night with a couple of bi-girls.
She wasn't your gf when this happened. Maybe it is better that she does lie to you, save all this pointless analysis. You can't change any of it. So forget it.
Look, if you'd prefer a gf with a little less sexual history then be honest and finish with this girl and find another. One with less experience or who lies so you'll never know. Think about it. But don't waste any more time trawling through this girls past.
Take care buddy
Richard
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2008): this is a very very hard situation for u to be in! If she is telling the truth then i feel very sorry for her as i have had a bad sexual past! If she isnt telling the truth then she should feel ashamed of herself! Maybe it is true and she has been EXTREMELY unlucky! But i have to admit it does seem abit far fetched. to say she thought the guy was joking the first time and that she didnt think he would actually do it is abit nieve but to do it and go along with the joke a second time is just stupid!
to help u work out if u think she is telling the truth, ask urself a few questions; how is she coping with it? Does she talk about it openly?
If u do belive her and u want to be with her then she will need alot of support and u will need to be strong for her so u cant be wondering if she is telling the truth coz that wont help her or u!
Hope that has helped!! x
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A
female
reader, O Connor  +, writes (28 January 2008):
 wow thats a really tough situation for you to be in. yes she was silly to fall for it twice - fool me once...etc etc etc. however, if you love her, and want to be with her, then maybe you should believe her and let her know that you are there to support her and give her any help she needs to get over this. just because she made stupid decisions doesnt mean that she is any less intelligent and you shouldnt think like that. she knows wat she did, she was going through some tough times, and she wont do it again. she has learned from it, thats intelligence. it shouldnt really affect you in the way you act in your relationship.
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