A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:How do I get over past mistakes made by my wife? Here's the story. When we first got together, it was over the internet while playing an online game. We were both married to others at the time, and both couples spent time together on this game. Fastfoward a few years. I moved overseas for business. She split from her husband for various reasons(none of which was me). We started talking one night on an intimate level, and our emotional relationship began there. After a couple of months, my wife and I agreed to get divorced. Many reasons, her infedility and my emotinal affair were both factors. A couple months later, I found out that the woman I was dating online had some intimate phone calls and e-mails with several folks I knew from the game we played. We worked through it. During my time overseas, I came back and stayed with her for a week and we hit it off great. Once I got back to the US for good, I proposed, and 2 months later, we were married. We've been married now for 7 months. The one and only subject we ever argue about is whether or not she's crossing the line with online people again. I recently completely invaded her privacy and installed a keylogger program onto my computer so I could gain access to her e-mail accounts. In there I found messages between her and another man. These messages were within the first couple of months that we had first started dating. It was someone she was going out on dates with. The e-mails ended abruptly, with nothing resembling "loose ends." This resulted in a very huge fight between us. I also found on her e-mail that she has an online profile on a singles site. She claimed it was now hidden, meaning it would not come up on searches, and that it was inactive for as long as she could remember. I verified that, and she was being truthful there. I have gone through her telephone looking for suspect messages or phone calls, and sometimes find myself obsessed with checking what sites she visits. We are set to see a marriage counselor later this month though.1. What kind of work towards the relationship is acceptable to expect from her to repair the damage?2. What can I do to help rebuild the trust?3. How can I approach her in a way to not have her immediately go on the defensive about me not being completely over these things? Any advice is greatly appreciated, thanks!
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (9 July 2007):
 If she's what you would call "out of your league", maybe that's the reason for your insecurity. In any case, I'm happy to see that you didn't take our comments badly, and that you're trying to work things out. This is our purpose in posting replies here. If you and your wife are better off thanks to us, well, nothing can be better.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2007): I appreciate the replies. Definately good to see things from an outsiders perspective with the most candid of details revealed. I considered us "exclusive" once we exchanged the big 'L' feelings. We discussed openly seeing other people, and agreed we did not want that. Being that it was over a year ago, the timeline is kinda fuzzy for me on when that happened. From what I gather, you suggest letting bygones be bygones, and just focus on how our relationship is now that we're physically together? Also, yes, I am still insecure, and I don't know why I feel that way. Initially, it was because she is one of those "out of my league" women who probably wouldn't have given me the time of day had we first met in a bar or another such environment. I believe that she is with me now because she got to know me as a person before we were physically together. I know I should get over that and take comfort in the fact that she chose me to marry and spend her life with. I guess that's the stubborn part of me though that gets scared and insecure. But I would like to continue the conversation offline, maybe in e-mail? I really appreciate a 3rd party perspective on the matter. Thanks again for the replies!
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (9 July 2007):
 I like Danielepew's answer. I also think this relationship moved along quite quickly and her feelings of love and commitment were not as solidified as yours were. That doesn't mean she doesn't love you, just that she was keeping her options open until she decided. That seems fair as the relationship at that time didn't have the value it has now. It was new and still up in the air.
If she's not cheating now, she's done the work. It's very important that you don't compare the relationship as it was when you first started dating to what you know now. Her feelings for you were different then. Also, when you jump with both feet into a relationship with someone you don't really know that well, you are going to discover many things you didn't take the time to learn before you got married.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (9 July 2007):
I see you have a problem trusting her. I wonder why. There must be a reason, particularly considering that you've been together for nine months only.
Apparently you have found no "evidence" of her being involved with someone else. So, with the bare facts at hand, you are terribly insecure about her. I think you know that this kind of situations destroy a relationship.
I don't mean to lecture you, but, to me, forgiving may not mean exactly forgetting, but it does mean leaving the past in the past. If she isn't doing anything wrong, well, that is the entire "work" she needs to do to repair any damages.
You know, trust is easily lost and then re-gained only with difficulty. It is very difficult for a person who is trying to win trust to actually be happy if the other party always expects "proof" of everything. Maybe you're not helping.
You can never expect a person never to fail. Perfectly correct partners may go astray someday. So, I think the best approach here is "to forgive and forget".
Obviously you were not the only person she was contacting when you first started meeting each other through the online game. But, I guess she was simply trying to find someone, and, as we are all anonymous online, she tried several guys at once. This might suggest she might still be seeing someone; or then it might not.
I understand what you feel, sir, but I think you need to take a break. I don't suggest you close your eyes, but I also think you'd lose a wife if you were simply jealous over nothing.
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