A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have found myself in a very difficult situation and do not know how to deal with it. I met my hubby when I was 12 and he was 14 - and have been together since then. I married him at 18 and he is pretty much a nice guy. He has a brother who is 2 yrs younger than me. When his brother was about 14 I found myself being very very attracted to him. Over the years this attraction / crush on his brother has just grown and grown. Now dont get me wrong - I do not want to or desire to have an affair with his brother! I know how wrong that would be and it wont even cross my mind so no need to point this out to me! In fact I highly doubt his brother has even looked at my in that light! I try not to see his brother as much because its sort of a feeling of hurt unrequited and unattainable crush etc. But of course I can not help but see his brother from time to time and each time the attraction hits me harder....as of course he has and keeps growing since my crush developed since he was 14 and got much more attractive etc. But it feels like a hurt....I mean I have fancied this guy for about 7yrs now and the crush has not gone away but just seems to grow more each time I see him! I know of course it is morally wrong and I will never ever cross that line....but I do not know how to cope with the feelings of sadness and hurt each time I see his brother. Even now that he is older he is going out and meeting girls and I find myself feeling even sadder and somewhat jealous by it all. Again please I do not need a lecture telling me I am a bad person - I can not help the attraction I have for him and no matter what I have done I can not seem to get rid of it! Please give me advice on how to cope and get over this....I know the obvious that yes it is wrong to fancy him and it would hurt my hubby if he knew....but knowing that doesnt make me feel less hurt or anything! Please dont judge me as I havent done anything wrong - other than develop feelings for someone I cant and will never have. So I havent done anything wrong or crossed any line. I just saw him today now I am left feeling so very down and depressed, and I am tired of feeling this way every single time I see him - I could not see him for mths then I see hima nd the emotions are ripped open again like a wound that cant heal. Please help / advice how I get over this all and make myself NOT fancy him and hurt the way I do.THanks
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female
reader, silly77  +, writes (28 April 2009):
Hey I have the same kind of feeling about my brother in law and they started when he started having problems with his wife and he would always hang out with me and my husband(his brother). I was very upset and bothered by this intense attraction to him in the beginning and worst part is that he would always look at me that way too. So, this is what I did, I told my husband. He did not take me seriously, he still does not take this seriously but then I had dreams about his brother, nothing sexual though,and I told my husband and he got upset. But my husband is pretty much a very different guy and he copes with things in a sort of unusual way. He lets me share my feelings with him about his brother and that helps me so much. I am still not over his brother but I absolutely love my husband and my husband is my life. So just don't take this too seriously and focus on your husband and his kind love. Just love your husband because the other thing is not worth it
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2008): Hello.
I completely understand what you are going through. I have the "exact" same problem. My husband and I have been married for 4 years now and I have such an attraction for his brother... It's just unbelievable. It's not about sex either...it's deeper than that. I have no control over my feelings and feel horrible. I've never had this problem before in my life and can't believe this is happening to me. I, too, have no one to talk to and have been struggling with this secret for some time. I thought I was the only person in the world who had this problem.
I'd love to talk to you more as I'm trying to understand what to do here. Let me know if you want to talk via email.
Signed,
Struggling...
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (14 July 2008):
 I don't understand why you are getting all upset when therapy is suggested? You obviously are having difficulty coping with your feelings for you brother in law, so maybe a counselor can help you gain the tools to do so. That's not being judgmental, there is nothing wrong with seeking help from a professional, that's what they are there for. You say it's only every three months or so (or whenever you see the brother) that you have this pain but why not check out what a therapist can do for you so you are pain free?
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry I do not understand why people are suggesting I am obssessive or some kind of mental case that needs therapy! My only "crime" here is that I have a crush on someone who I sort of shouldnt have a crush on....I have NOT crossed any line or anything like that....it doesnt warrant obssession or mental issues or any of the other things people are seeming to suggest here!
I am NOT obssessed - I do not sit about daydreaming or thinking of him every day! I do not even think about him that much; I am only reminded of my crush whenever I see him which is every 3 months or so....which when I do, these emotions "resurface" then I do not see him for months and I am fine - I forget....then I see him again after months and I feel this "crush" again...its just a cycle but thats merely it...!...some people have crushes on actors or pop stars for years...ie people that are unobtainable to them. I do not need therapy or medical help for having an unrequited crush!!! And I find it extremely offensive the people who seem to insinuate I am some sort of obssessive nut job! I would really prefer to only have advice from people who are less hostile and less negative. I came on here as I have no one to talk to and I do not want to talk to anyone I know for fear of being judged and the last thing I need now is coming on here pouring my heart out to strangers who are judging me anyway
Thanks!
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (14 July 2008):
There is a line between a crush and an obsession. I think you have crossed that line. If this obsession is causing you pain and depression then therapy is warranted.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone - thank you all for your advice. Much appreciated. For the people who have suggested that I speak to my hubby about this believe me this is not an option as my husband does get little teeny jealous and if I mentioned having a crush on his brother he would DEFO not take it very kindly!As far as telling his brother...well his young brother idolizes my husband and I cant help feel concerned that either he would tell me hubby which would cause problems....or that he may then choose to stay away or act wierd around us as I know how much he looks up to my hubby so I wont wanna do anything to potentially jeapordize that.For the person who says I should seek medical help; well nothing is mentally wrong with me! Other than having a crush on someone I cant have. Nothing is psychologically wrong with that. I am certain most people have crushes on people they cant have: popstars, actors, co-workers, friends, whatever. So I am not mentally ill nor do I need counselling for having an unrequited crush!And for the record I do not focus or obssess abotu his brother constantly; I see him then I start getting these sad emotions etc and eventually they will pass....then a couple months later I see him again and it starts all over again! So its been like that over the last 7yrs or so and its really disheartening to me to feel these things!You have to realise I have been with the same guy since I was 12 - no one else nor dated anyone else. So his brother has also always been "around" us growing up etc so of course there has been a bond built with him and over time I started becoming attracted to him. Perhaps if I have dated other men or not got married as young etc I may be able to deal with my crushes and emotions better etc. Who knows but I really can not tell why I feel this way. And each time I see him it only upsets me more and not sure how to really deal with my feeligns or try to blank them out completely. Again I would NEVER ever pursue him or try to have an affair or sleep with him.Please keep the advice coming....I have no one else in the world to talk to about this so all the advice is priceless. Thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2008): I do not understand how you can be attracted to his brother yet not want an affair with him. Does that mean you have never thought or fantasized about sex with his brother? When you see his brother, is the attraction you feel sexual? By that, I mean when you feel the attraction, does it make you want to get intimate with him?There's an old saying that you can't help who you fall in love with or who you're attracted to. You might want to see a therapist to get over the sadness you feel. You don't want this feeling to linger, and it sounds like you've had these feelings for your brother-in-law for a long time. So I think you need professional helpThe other option might be to talk to your husband about any sexual fantasies he (your husband) has and if he's ever thought about a threesome with another girl. Then if he asks you about yours, you could admit the attraction to his brother. You would follow that up by saying you don't want an affair with his brother, but that you are attracted to him and have thought about sex with him (if you have), even though you wouldn't do it. Another thing I need to ask: do you feel like you're in love with your brother-in-law? What about your husband? Do you truly love your husband? I think you need to sort these things out, and a therapist will help, especially if the therapist is a woman. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Dr.T  +, writes (13 July 2008):
hey dear,
i know this might sounds hard to do but the right way is to tell ur husband about ur feelings but not telling him everything.. just tell him that u had a crush on his brother and u feel strange when u meet him.
ask GOD and ur husband for the help coz nobody else even urself can solve this problem except those two
ask ur husband to give u more and more of love and care coz u need it to overcome this situatiion..
PlUS, dont take anystep forward about ur attraction or things will be way way far from getting settled. try also giving ur husband kinds of caring that u havent give during ur relation as this will stregnth the bond between u too and he will pay this back by giving u an extraordinary attention that u will really need these dayz..
just let me know if this helped
best wishes
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A
female
reader, PsyCookie +, writes (13 July 2008):
 What I noticed in your whole description is that rarely mentioned your husband. It seems that you have focused yourself on thinking about his brother so much that you forget about your own feelings for your husband. Now, don't get me wrong, I know you married this guy and I find it kind of sweet that you're still married to him even when you met him at 12 (which is something very rare) but like I said, it seems that your focus is mostly in his brother than him.Now what you should do is focus on your husband and in your marriage. Think on the good aspects of it and the good aspects of your husband. You can write them down too. Now, you could also write the good aspects of your husband's brother and the bad aspects. After that, burn them down along with all the things that you may have of him. This would be a symbolism of your start on forgetting about himIf you don't have kids, what you could do is take a day off for only yourself. In that day go climb a mountain or to make it easier, go to a spa. In there, organize your thoughts and feelings and everything that bothers you. If you do have kids, make them go to a babysitter or someone you trust, but this is a must you have to do since it's something that's hugely affecting you.This crush on him is unhealthy, not because of your relationship with him but because of the length of the crush. I think you have always thought of him first than your husband and always got the "what if" in every thought. Like I said earlier, start thinking of your husband more and more.Listen to the other auntie's comments and make a wise decision about what to do. But whatever you do, I hope it works and it relieves you of this. Good luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2008): god i carnt belive am saying thiss but maybe u shouldtalk to the brother u carnt go on the way u are it will lead u to massive depres that is if it hasnt happend already i think u should talk to the brother tell him how u feel hopefully he will understand and keep his distance and not tell anyone be warey tho u might tell him and he might just want sex for the sake of it i really do feel sorry for u and i am inpressed u have stayed faithfull all this time and u have fort this attraction do not listen to anyone who gives u a lectur on here as u already no its wrong
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A
female
reader, kurlyq2121 +, writes (13 July 2008):
 Don't feel ashamed. As long as you don't have an affair you can't be upset with yourself, sure it's wrong but it's not really your fault. And everytime you see him just remember how much you love your husband and how many good times you've had together. Stay strong. =]
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