A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This may be a little long, but please take the time to read I could really do with some advice.I met my ex at school when we were 16. She was absolutely GORGEOUS, everyone at school knew of her and stared at her. I had a couple of classes with her and found out through one of her friends she had a crush on me. I had literally NO idea she felt that way, we’d flirted and stuff but I thought it was just harmless fun. Anyways, I found out and, I’ll be honest, I thought I’ll see her for a few weeks almost just for bragging rights. I didn’t think she was really my type but thought a few weeks could be fun. So we started hooking up at parties and stuff.A few weeks later I found myself surprisingly happy when I was around her, and she had expressed concerns over my motives and so I decided to show some commitment and ask her out. We started going over each others house and spent every day on the phone. I liked the attention she gave me, and sort of felt invincible, like she’d never leave. I always had my doubts but somehow, one year later, there we were still. Then, completely out of the blue, she broke up with me. I was devastated, but at the same time glad because it had shown me what she really meant to me. I realized I was completely in love with her and determined to get her back. We kept hanging out and within a month we were back together, better than ever now that we were both into it. We’d been going out for two years (one before the break, one after) when we decided to move in together. We were only 19 but I felt we were both pretty mature. For the next year we woke up to each other every morning and the relationship never dulled. Our relationship was extremely strong for our age and we'd always talk about our future. We would cuddle every night and I specifically remember just before our 3 year anniversary how into it she seemed. Every day she’d tell me how into me she still was and how good the relationship was. Then one night we had a minor fight, nothing major, but I could tell she was a little upset, so I spent the next few days trying extra hard. We went out together that weekend though and she completely ditched me and hung out with a bunch of other guys. We got home and I told her how I was angry at her for it at which point she stated that she wasn’t sure what she wanted anymore and we should sleep apart tonight. I was shell shocked, 5 days earlier she told me how much she loved me, how she hoped I never left etc, and now she was saying to sleep apart!? The next day we talked more and I said if she wasn’t into it I wasn’t going to hang around and so we broke up. I guess I thought it would scare her a bit and she’d realize what we had and we’d try again. But boy I was wrong! We kept hanging out for the next few weeks but nothing was really happening so I moved out, hopeful we could get back together (we’d still been sleeping together every now and again, and she’d been dropping some hints) or at the very least to maintain at least a good friendship, she was after all my best friend. She said she still wanted to catch up a couple of times a week, and be best friends but over the next few weeks she started going to clubs every weekend with a new bunch of friends, and every weekend she was hooking up with another guy. I said to her does she really wanna be like that, and that it was making it really hard on our friendship. She simply stated that she was really happy and didn’t want me to ask her to throw that away. I decided it was time to sever the ties, hopefully she’d miss me a bit and want to hang out again. A month or two after we broke up though I saw her out with some guy, and the next day I found out he was some 27 year old new boyfriend! I had to go and pick up the last bit of my stuff from her house the other day and saw all these pictures she’s got of the two of them kissing. She’s got the whole house to herself so I’m guessing he’s staying over there all the time now, and all the beer in the fridge suggests she has him round to drink and watch movies and then stay over. I even found morning after pills on the counter!!!! I was mortified.Sorry to be so long winded, but I just really want advice as to what I’m supposed to do. She’s changed so much, and took all of 30 seconds to get over what we had that it crushes me. I had done nothing wrong and yet I’m left here 2 months later still feeling so down about it. She on the other hand is so attractive that she can go out any night and forget about me. She’s done more than that now and gone and got a new boyfriend. We’ve spoken once in the last 4 weeks and it was just a fight in which I expressed how unfair it was to me and how shitty she was making me feel and her response was basically kind of, whatever. She was like well I still wanna be best friends but I’m moving on with my life if you can’t be friends with me then ok.And now I’m not sure what to do. The girl I loved has changed, and all the best bits about what we had she’s giving to some other guy and all I could hope for is spare time when she gets it. I know I have to move on and forget about her it’s just that it’s really hard. How am I supposed to move on? I want to forget about her, but the fact that I was so in love when we broke up is making it really tough. I have a small circle of friends I try to hang out with to take my mind off of it, and try to do other things I enjoy but I’m still really hurt by it. Why am I still so hung up on her? I’m so angry at her and so upset but for some reason there’s still that stupid part of me that would drop every thing to go and be with her. Any advice, comments, suggestions?? Anything would be appreciated, thanks heaps.
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anniversary, best friend, broke up, crush, flirt, get back together, kissing, move on, moved out, my ex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, m_shay_f  +, writes (22 January 2011):
Emad Khan's advice is perfect I think. I couldn't agree more! I am 28 and I am going through the first month of my "break-up" its an extremely difficult time. I think with Emad's advice it will be easier.
A
female
reader, jadedblue +, writes (10 August 2010):
I don't want to use cliché, but time does heal everything. I understand how you feel especially when you were with that person for the past 3 years and all of the sudden you have to drop it like a bad habit. However, life goes on and you will forget that person.
To be honest, you guys were together when you were both young. People change when they step into adulthood. She obviously has and it is better for you to found out now then married 5 years later with kids. You deserve a girl who knows herself and knows she wants to be with you.
In the meantime, MAKE yourself go out and do something you always wanted to do. FORCE yourself to meet new people, join some classes and learn something different. Soon these new things in your life will replace the memory of her. It helps to be strict on the NO CONTACT rule.
In order to move on, you need to stop constantly remembering her by checking how she's doing. If she wants you in her life, she will let you know. If she wanted to be with you, why would she leave in the first place?
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A
male
reader, OnewingedAngel +, writes (18 November 2008):
Fellow dude. I feel your pain. Wow. Ya All your feelings. It's wierd. I thought I was reading something I wrote. Check out my article. " Infidelity and physical abuse...is it fixable?"
Best of luck man. I'm not sure what to do regarding you.
But....I think she does need to GROW UP. Figure herself out hbefore ANYTHING good can happen.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2008): Hey Poster,
This article is from one of DearCupid's uncles.Please do check it out.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-to-get-over-your-ex.html
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A
female
reader, confused287 +, writes (16 November 2008):
I so know what you are going through.... except with me and my ex boyfriend we were engaged. We are best friends with benefits and that's the only way I know that I can still hold him in my arms.... I hate it I feel the same way... and it sucks..... I am having the problem because you can go to a party or hang with friends but you still aren't happy. I know, I try every night. I wish I could give you advice but I can't, I am still fighting for our relationship and I am about to just give up..... But he isn't with another girl so I do understand it, the most pain I have ever felt in my life. Iit sucks and they just don't care. He was my first love my first real kiss and my first in everything, he helped me get out of bad relationship that I had with my parents and helped me stop cutting myself so I so understand, I wish I could help but if you found out anything that helps you let me know, I just want to give up on life but I know it's not worth it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2008): i no exactly how you feel i have been with my girlfriend for 5 amazing years and recently she is starting to say she is confused and is spending less and less time with me. your right after you feel its all gone you start to realise how perfect she was. We used to do everything together she was my best friend. i to have a close circle of friends but nothing is the same without her, it must be a girl thing because my girlfrind is acting like it is easy getting over someone just like yours did??? I am at the stage where i am hanging onto hope and every second feels like an hour. Im sorry this isn't advise but your not the only one in this pain.
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A
male
reader, emad khan  +, writes (6 January 2008):
 Hey I understand what youre going through. I´m just getting over it myself, and its been 2 years. Basically it will take time, but you can be sure that the next relationship will be more successfull, if you take what you´ve learnt this time around and put it to use. My advice for getting over the pain is this: use this suffering to your advantage, and become a better person, spiritually and physically- the gym. Next- Do good deeds,help others, be noble. This will get you out of your head.ultimately depression over losing someone is selfish- whileit seems instinctively correct to be angry with your x, it works against you. Be happy for her (its hard, I know)and completey cut all ties to her. Do not contact her, and if she contacts you, speak with her briefly and cordially. I´ve really grown tremendously as a result of the pain I went through over my break up. I can honestly say thatthe universe was telling me I needed to grow up and get with it. But now I believe I have the tools to make a relationship work. Took me long enough, I´m 31!!!!Take care, and hope my advice works for you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2008): thanks heaps for the responses it always helps just hearing people's opinions.and to starfairy about my comment about her looks, i completely agree with what you say. I am a big believer that once you get to know someone how they look is irrelevant, they're just them and it's their personality and values that you fall for. What i meant by my comment is that it's perhaps easier for her because any time she goes out she has guys asking for her number and stuff and even if she doesn't know them just the knowledge that she can find someone so easy might help her move on?but anyways, you're right i have put her on a pedestal. And not so much her, but more what we had and how easy it was for us. Just felt that we had an incredible bond, and we'd always said if we broke up we'd absolutely have to stay best friends cause of how well we know and like eachother. Kind of bums me out that my best friend and a huge part of my life quickly moved on without even a hint of remorse or willingness to remain close.
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A
female
reader, LouLee  +, writes (5 January 2008):
 Wow that was a slow depressing read, i havent head the whole story here but it sounded like she still had feelings for you when she wasn't with this new guy, but maybe thought you didnt love her anymore so now she's just trying to forget about you and move on, theres nothing you can really do about this but (well i wouldnt say wait for them to break up) wait 'til she needs you, try and get your friendship back on track again..thats all you can do really, meanwhile try and meet new girls just for fun. Sorry if i haven't helped much. x
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A
female
reader, starfairy +, writes (5 January 2008):
 It sounds like it all went too fast for her. At the time, it always feels right, but then afterwards, sometimes reality hits hard, and people freak out.
I don't doubt that she wasn't being honest about her feelings for you, but a small voice inside her head must have been begging for a bit of freedom for a while. She might have felt scared at the prospect of only you the rest of her life, she might have felt she settled down too quickly.
Her going off the rails supports this theory, she wants some reckless fun, she wants to break the rules a bit.
As a rule, I never play games or issue ultimatums, as you said happened to you, they always backfire.
One thing you said bothered me.
"She on the other hand is so attractive that she can go out any night and forget about me".
I find that absolute crap and it really bothers me when people think in those kind of terms. I'm going to sound big headed but I can assure you I'm very modest and just making a point, I'm a very attractive girl. I have never gone for a guy on the looks only basis - personality counts very much to me. I have been with guys who've felt like you, and it caused problems because they would be like "why are you with me? You're so out of my league", and I hated that. Looks mean absolutely nothing. Your ex may be gorgeous, but it's what's deep inside that truly counts. I have found many guys who are drop dead gorgous to have absolutely apalling personalities, because they think their looks are all that matters and all that they need. So don't ever think that because someone is good looking, they've got an advantage over anyone else.
It sounds like you have really put her up there on a pedestal. Human nature also always wants what it can't have. I'm sure she's hurting too, but she's getting over the relationship the easy way, she's gotten with someone else, who will soak up the loneliness and take her mind off it.
She might just be going through a phase, very often people need a bit of space and a time to go crazy and let loose, then will come back to their stable partner. Give her a bit of space, then approach her and see if she wants to give it another go. Tell her you would be willing to wait for her, for a while. Don't come across pathetic, needy, whiney. Show her that you can be strong, that you miss her, but you can keep it together. She'll respect you alot more.
If she doesn't want to try again, at least you have definate closure to begin healing...Breakup's are the worst, I can totally sympathise, but just remember everything happens for a reason, you never know what's around the corner.
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