A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So I’ve been casually seeing this girl as a FWB for about 6 months. She’s been a good friend for about a year and a half. She’s been quite overtly keen on me for over a year and initially I distanced myself from her, but gradually ended up becoming quite fond of the way that she seems to like me for who I really am.It’s become pretty apparent to both of us that there’s stronger feelings involved in our arrangement than there probably should be and given that she has a one year old child to a guy overseas (no contact), I’m starting to wonder whether this could become more. She’s friends with all my friends and I can see things getting a bit messy should I end up hurting her. So I’m kinda at a cross-roads. I’m either all in... or I’m all out... I can’t mess this girl around. Now don’t get me wrong, this girl is good looking, we can talk about pretty much anything and she’s as laid-back as I am, but if I’m to go forward I need to know if this is a girl I could see myself being with in the future. There’s just one niggly feeling in the back of my mind and I’d rather confront it now than be one of those people who ends up straying and falling for someone else down the track... I feel like I can do better. Yes its horrible saying it out loud and I know I’m no prize catch myself, but there it is... She’s a single mom and that’s something that’ll make many guys my age think twice before getting involved. The thing is that because she’s chased me so persistently, I hope that I didn’t just get worn down or start things with her because I was lonely and she was an easy option.I didn’t have to work at all to get this girl and because of that, I’m finding it harder to appreciate her. It’s like if you spend time and money building something, (a car for example), but then win the exact same car, identical in all aspects in a competition... If you decide to sell one of the cars, obviously its going to be the car that you won, versus the one that you built for no other reason than you worked hard and invested your time in it. You appreciate it more. Now I can see myself having a drama free life with her, but on the other hand, she doesn’t challenge me. She seems to have put me up on a pedestal which I feel is both undeserved and annoying. I don’t want to feel like I’m “all that”, because I’m not! I’m just a regular dude! I want her to be on the same level as me, to be an equal and to realize that herself because she’s a cool chick. I don’t want to feel like I can get away with murder and still have her take me back. I want to be kept on my toes a little bit and to have her push me to try harder to keep her happy and interested. My last relationship I was constantly fighting to keep my girlfriend interested, this one seems to be the polar opposite, but at least with this one I can hopefully bring the force back into balance. So ultimately my question is this... How do I get this girl to take me off this pedestal that she’s put me on? Is it even possible? I want her to treat me like an equal... Maybe I’m just a weirdo, but I can’t help feeling the way I do and I’d rather not bury a feeling that’s just going to re-surface down the track. Any thoughts? Please be brutally honest, don’t need no sugar coating here...
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (27 January 2011):
 I can't see why you can't take it slow with this girl. Single mom or not, I'm sure SHE wants to be sure as well.
Oh and just had to say this... just because she has a child doesn't mean you are "settling" for a girlfriend who isn't "top shelf". ;) It can be quite the opposite. She may be more mature, thoughtful, selfless and independent BECAUSE she had a child.
Good luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the replies honeypie and annonymous. Appreciate it :)
Been posting on this site for over a year now, but first question posted. It's weird being on the other side of the fence... Feel a bit like a little kid getting scolded by the headmaster, lol.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think I'll just talk to her and explain my fears about this. I tried yesterday but her sister was over so I left it. I can see myself with her in the future as I do really like her, but there's just so much at stake dating a single mother... it sucks! I feel like I can't just take things slow with her and ease into a relationship, (which is what I really want to do) because there's no room for doubts as being "official" with her is basically telling everyone that I'd eventually be open to marrying her.
She does make me feel good about myself, but its not in any way a one sided street. I do as much as I can for her and I treat her well, she is a best friend after all. I'm very unselfish in the bedroom, normally she'll get off 2-3 times every night and I make sure that she's happy. Just cos I'm a guy, doesn't mean I'm using her for sex... I love chilling out with her and talking about anything an everything.
Gah... I just want to go slow and take things one step at a time without having that realization that dating her is a huge "unofficial" commitment. I'm sorry I'm just dribbling now... I'm gonna come out as the bad guy no matter what I do.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 January 2011):
You are damned if you do and damned if you don't.
If you dump her you will hurt her, if you stay with her because you aren't sure of your feelings, you will hurt her.
So, you need to figure out, if SHE is someone you can see yourself with long term or if she is just someone convenient and pleasant to have around while you 'wait" for "Ms Right".
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2011): The very fact that you are unsure means this is not the long term relationship for you. She obviously loves you, but you like having someone nice who cares for you, sleeps with you asking little in return, why would you not. However going forward it seems cruel to keep her hoping when in reality you are not in this for a lasting relationship. I feel for her in this. If you loved her it wouldn't matter that she doesn't make you jump through hoops to be with her. If you committ to her you are likely to meet the love of your life a little down the road and leave her. It's difficult. The fair thing would be to end this FWB thing and be straight with her, then stick with your decision, no going back when you are lonely or at a low ebb. That would just not be fair.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou kc100 for your honesty, I appreciate it :)
I feel I should clarify a few things... I have met her kid and she's adorable. I also realize that you don't f*** around with single mums, which is why I'm trying to figure out if this could go somewhere. I'm sure it could if I could maybe change my line of thinking.
She was the one that said that she didn't want a serious relationship early on and that she just wanted to fool around, but its only recently that I've cottoned on that we're both feeling more. I wouldn't say that I've been using her for sex personally as I'm not going to continue if I conclude that I'm not ready/suited to go further with her. I did know the risks in getting involved with her though...
I just can't help thinking that this is a feeling that I can articulate, realize is nonsense and move on from though. But obviously not at the risk of hurting her. Maybe this is just commitment phobia... my last relationship was an absolute nightmare and I'm not used to having a stable relationship.
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female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (26 January 2011):
 Ok, well, she will have put you up on this pedestal because she is a single mum. It is pretty scary being a single mum and she will realise that it is a fairly big turn off to a lot of men around her age (as you have said yourself) - so any man that comes along that seems interested, well she is going to latch on to them and try her hardest to keep hold of him.
She has been keen on you for a while now, this is not a FWB to her - she wants a relationship with you. To you, yes it is a FWB because you are not sure how you feel about her, whereas she really likes you and wants to be in a relationship with you. This was a major error on your part - you knew she was keen on you so you knew all along she would fall for you, yet you still used her for sex and are only now worrying about the damage you might have done to her.
So we come to your cross roads. It really is quite simple - do you want a relationship with her or not? You have to keep in mind the child here - if you enter into a relationship then sooner or later you will meet the child and become part of the child's life. So you have to recognise that you cannot just 'give it a go and see what happens' when a child is involved, you either need to be 100% committed to this long term or dont bother at all. A child needs a stable life, and it is better for the child just to have its mum rather than mum + some random guy that comes in and out of its life, or even worse - multiple men who appear for a few months and are gone again a few months later.
If you do like her enough and are willing to committ to her and want a long term relationship with her, then I think if you do tell her this and make it official she will calm down with the chasing you all the time. Once she has 'got' you so to speak, she wont feel like she has to try so hard.
But I get the feeling you have too many doubts about this, and have never liked her enough from the start to really give this relationship a chance. You like the way she makes you feel, rather than liking her for who she is - this is not a good basis for a relationship.
It sounds like she liked you for a while, she made you feel great when you spent time together so the easy option was to get into bed with her but never make it official, that way you get sex + a girl that makes you feel good, but you never have to give anything back.
Quite simply, if you liked her enough right from the start then you would have said so in this post - but clearly the initial attraction was never that strong and you never saw her as much more than a friend. I think the right thing to do is to end this with her - you have hurt her a lot already so be kind to her and end it now, before it gets any worse.
You cannot build a relationship if the foundations are not strong enough - and this is the case in this relationship. You think you can do better, and this feeling would never go away. You would just end up staying with her because it is the easy option, and then if a girl who you thought was 'better' came into your life it would be pretty likely that you would leave for the better option.
If you have any doubts about this and dont feel really strongly for her then the right thing to do is end it so she can move on and find someone who does think she is the 'best option'.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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