A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my partner for 2 years and during that time we have argued a lot. We both want commitment but have clashed in the past as we have both been on our own a long time and adapting has been difficult. We do love each other but he was poor growing up and is very careful with money but generous with birthday and Christmas gifts.He came into some redundancy money and it was just under 10k. He said it was for saving for our future but since last year he has spent over 2k on a camera and over 5k on a car he keeps as a hobbie which he cant afford to run or do anything with, it would cost nearly £100 to fill it with petrol. This is his choice and his money. He talks about us moving in but doesnt take any steps to. I am willing to put my house on the market tomorrow. I did feel sad that he hasnt offered to pay for a holiday or for any treats for us out of his money but accept we are different people. Now a lovely aunt has died and left me 50k. I feel sad that I want to share this with him and it makes me feel bad inside. I feel bitter that he has been so stingy with his money and we pay exactly half for any activities or meals which we rarely go for.I am a naturally generous person but I feel with him whats his is his and whats mine is mine.How can I overcome this guilt thing....
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female
reader, Abella  +, writes (26 January 2011):
 Guilt is a wasted emotion. You have a right to protect your future and do what is in your best interests. Your inheritance may be the only inheritance in your whole life. Handled wisely it will make your life better in the long run if it is handled with great care. With your future in mind. In the responsible way he should have (but did not) handle his smaller inheritance.
Even if he had been your husband for 10 years that is the same advice I would give you.
Instead he is your boy friend and I worry for you, that you would put his needs before yours.
There is nothing selfish about securing your financial future.
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (26 January 2011):
Two people. One responsible with money, the other irresponsible and selfish with money. Many a woman has been cleaned out financially by a partner like your guy.
I recall a guy, when I was newly widowed, who I dropped like a hot potato. He had gone from reasonably well off, home of his own, to renting. He had his 'reasons' to explain, but one look at his irresponsible spending said it all. He knew I was a young widow and within a week of knowing him he put up a 'business proposal' to me and showed me a house i could buy him, and he would pay me back. How naive did he imagine me to be?Last i heard he has tossed in his good job and now drives a
cab.
First and foremost keep your finances separate. Do not buy a home in joint names with your money.
I know you think he is responsible/careful with money. But I have my doubts. I think he may be hiding that he's impetuous and possibly even sometimes irresponsible with money. He may be worth far less than you. His use of his 10,000 hardly sounds like a prudent guy. His generosity at festive times may be his gesture to make out he has more money to be generous with, than is the real situation.
So many women find out too late that their guy is not know they think he is. Don't let emotion hide the facts from you.
After my short relationship with the guy I mentioned above, when I had been widowed for 12 months, my beautiful very loved first mother in law admonished me after the guy above and told me, 'You can just as easily love a rich man as a poor man.' At the time her remark shocked me. But then she went on to tell me to keep his only as a non-live in. Or better still drop him. And find a guy where we shared the same attitude to money and had similar assets.
Time and experience has taught me the wisdom of her advice.
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