A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:My brother and sister-in-law are pregnant. I am married.The problem is my sister-in-law keeps on asking me questions like "When are you and your wife are going to have kids?" and making comments such as "It would be nice if our kid will have some first cousins to grow up with". Before my wife and I were even married, having kids is one of the subjects we talked about. Both of us knew we never wanted kids before we even met each other. How do I get my sister-in-law to back off? Would it be okay if I asked my brother to talk to his wife (my sister-in-wife) that she needs to drop the subject because we don't want kids?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2021): I feel for you. I come from a family of competitive siblings. Out of 5 kids, 4 of us are female. My sister and I are only 14 months apart. I was first born. For this reason, my sister, not being first, but being very close in age to me, always competed against me. It was never the other way. I have had to deal with this my entire life, to this day. She is ALWAYS trying to show me up, and put me down, and steal all attention away from me. I do not think she even knows she is doing it, which is sad, because it is very hurtful to me, to the point where I do not have much of a relationship with her.However, I beat her to the punch and got married in 1995. Funny how a year later she got married. I think she was sore about the fact I got married first. I had been dating my husband only a year, while she was dating her husband much longer. But he was an immature, reformed womanizer so I could see why. Either way, she made sure that she was the first one to get pregnant. I was having some fertility issues with my husband. I did not want to broadcast that to everybody. It is personal. But she was so proud of being pregnant and that she was first and made it clear to me and all around her, in a passive aggressive way. She went so far as to gloat about it and kept asking me when we would be having our first child, almost like she was belittling me and feeling superior. She needed the approval of my parents it seems. She needed a leg up over me, and finally had her victory. Sad, isn't it?My family talked about us behind our backs. One day at a family gathering, I heard my sister speaking with my uncle and a few others and I distinctly heard them say "what is wrong with her (me)? because we were married over 5 years and had no kids yet. I think it is wrong of people (and especially family) to feel entitled to tell you how to live your life, and when to have children, according to their own beliefs and timelines. And deem you sub standard or think something is wrong if you do not meet THEIR requirements or standards. I have carried a lot of resentment towards them because of it and it has lingered.We finally had a child. Only one. And he has AUTISM. The same fools who had the nerve to interrogate us about when we would have children are nowhere to be found when it comes to support for my son. None of them give a flying fuck. They have been MIA in his life. So, I do not give a flying fuck about them. We cannot choose our family unfortunately. But we can choose to distance ourselves for cruel, mean or disrespectful behavior. Having a special needs child seemed to shut most of them down and they shut their mouths pretty quickly. Except for my sister. She actually had the nerve to ask if we would be having a second child! NOOOOOO!!! We have our fucking hands full!! I say distance yourself from them. And tell them to fuck off and to stop asking. Sometimes you need to be cruel or go to extreme lengths to get people to STOP!!!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2021): Just tell her it is impossible as you both got permanently fixed and are both now sterile.So not ever gonna happen.
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A
female
reader, Metobe  +, writes (5 July 2021):
 Hi there, I can relate, although I have no kids of my own but i am a school teacher and I come from a middle eastern background so pressures of marriage and having kids is second nature to me. I have personally lived and experienced what it as like to feel pressured to get married through my parents and it caused a strain on my now relationship with my fiancee. The rule of thumb is to establish a healthy boundary between your marriage and your family. If you do not communicate it clearly to them that you and your wife have already discussed not having children, your family will continue to chime on about it. Make it clear and simple, without needing to give them an explanation to your decision. Eventually, they'll get the picture and back off. And yes, have a quiet chat with your brother about it, and i'm sure that'll clear the air. (I had that conversation with my parents about pressure to marry and sure enough they respected my decision and backed off; and in his own time my boyfriend proposed a few weeks later) :)
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A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (5 July 2021):
 I think you just have to be brutally honest with her. The next time she ask's you this just sternly say that you and your wife don't have plans for kids.
If she ever ask's you again, just tell her did you not hear me loud and clear the last time you asked. Then maybe have a polite word with your brother to have a word with her.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (5 July 2021):
 I'd start out by telling her that you two have discussed things and children aren't in your plans. State it politely but firmly. If she doesn't get the hint then ask your partner to step in. Some people just don't seem to get it unfortunately so if the subject is broached again, I'd just state "I've already discussed our answer before no need to bring it up again." Then change the subject.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2021): Sometimes it takes the direct approach. You first ask nicely, but firmly. "Please stop asking me that! I will make the big announcement as soon as that becomes the case!" Repeat it a few times.
When you've built-up some courage...grown some backbone. Then you should explain to people that when, or if, you intend to have children is a very personal matter. You've avoided rudely telling her outright it's none of her business. Maybe that's what it takes. Tell her it's none of her business; and it's annoying that she keeps prodding you about it. If she takes offense, don't fret about it. She offended you first.
You have to turn the other cheek, when you know people mean well. When they're relentless about it; then you must ask them to stop.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 July 2021):
 Why not JUST tell her:" We have no plans for kids, ever".
If you already have told her and she won't back off, ask your brother to tell her to stop.
Unfortunately, your brother probably has as little "control" over what she thinks and says as you do. So just SHUT her down every time.
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