A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi aunts and uncles just a quick question. What do you do when you have a partner that wont do much or any foreplay. He will not do oral sex at all, not even once a year, he will kiss me before and during sex, I do have to intiate it most of the time. He doesnt rub me anymore because he ends up hurting me, hes not exactly gentle no matter how much I ask or show him how to rub my clit. He doesnt finger me. I usually will play with him, kisz him up and down his body bite his neck, I dont do oral as much anymore sice he is pretty straight and to the point, but I do give him oral. Most of the time I dont reach irgasm even though I do rub myself during sex. Sometimes after we have sex if hes adament about making me orgasm then he will finger me while I rub myself but it only happens once in awhile. We also dont have sex as often, I would like it more than once a week. How do I get him to do more foreplay? When I ask it doesnt happen. Also how an I get him to have sex more often? Should I just get on him and start? I wont be very turned on but if thats the only way to get it more often Im not opposed. I love him and really do desire him. He works more than I do and we have young children. We are mid twenties
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male
reader, Silius Sodimus  +, writes (24 January 2013):
That sucks. I can understand a guy occasionaly just not giving a s*** but if he does it all the time. Firstly he sounds selfish, telling to pull his finger out (metaphorically) and do some work. It's like this, chores and taking care of kids should be shared as much as possible for both sexes and the same should be for sex. Sex is a shared experience unless your going to a brothel. It's not even about being a man, it's just common sense if you care about the person why wouldn't you share the sex? Sit his ass down and tell him how you feel.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (23 January 2013):
 I like how SVC outlined things..... listen to that...
As to masturbating more to compensate because you have a boorish spouse..... Remember, that your eyesight will suffer from that..... Take it from one who knows... My corrective lenses look like Coke bottle bottoms!!!!
.... AND, it's only a matter of time before your wrist gets to the consistency of wet pasta...
The more I see replies and your feedback, the more I'm inclined to suggest that you don't have much of a future with this partner.
Think long and hard if you ought not make a decision to "cut your losses" with this partner and get a better one.....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2013): Hi poster again. When I ask why he wont have oral sex he says he doesn't like it, okay fine. He gets upset if I masturbate, so I rarely do it. We were intimate last night, he enjoyed it but did the hands behind his head, although he put a lot more effort in to making out, but when I was on top he will play with my breasts but he doesnt really touch me, I mean like hold me, run his hands down my back, he will usually grab my hips for a bit.. He did get on top though, but I wasnt able to orgasm because I wasnt really "ready". I took my time and made sure he was nice and ready, hoping he would return the favor. I ask sometimes but he just idk doesn't understand? Even when Im specific, or he just needs to improve but puts no effort in even when I praise him and tell him how much I enjoyed it. I've told him I wanted to take a lover before if he couldnt or wouldnt try a bit harder in bed. He always acts attracted to me, when we are home he'll randomly kiss me, passionately and grab me and such, yet when we get into bed, he just kicks back and I feel like Im not worth the effort and that sex is one sided. Oops got sidetracked, Ive asked him/ told him that I wanted to take a lover (even though I dont, I was trying to get him to care and make an effort) and first he got mad and fought with me calling me terrible names ; said he would take a lover too; then when the rage passed- maybe five minutes of anger- he just got extremely sad. I told him I loved him and that I just want sex to get better. Maybe he feels like he cant do anything. I've asked him for toys, that we can use or he can use, but again he gets mopey then says he already has one built in. But everything else has been very good lately. We have had trust issues in the past, he didnt physically cheat ir anything, but it has taken its toll by far. Im trying to re-establish trust, giving him time to make efforts in bed and like I said he really helps out. I thought he was lazy but now I just dont know. We've been through a lot. I can settle, well I if I have to if you really dont think he'll change, but only for so long. I mean I'm 23 and went for nearly a week and a half to two weeks without it, and if its like this now how will it be in five years? Or ten?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2013): If everything else in the relationship is great then just masturbate more. Could be that he is tired cos of the kids but after a few years they will grow up and take less time and energy then you may find him more interested in you. Learn to live with and be content with what you have.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 January 2013):
 If you are at the "mentally cheating" stage and have envy of friends you are crossing the danger zone.
he lays back and expects it.
he's lazy.
shake him up...
my personal advice "honey since we've talked and you don't want to change, I'd like to take a lover on the side with your permission of course, to satisfy me sexually so I can stay in this relationship with you."
If he responds negatively, then you say "I'm sorry you did not like option one, now we have option two, I'm leaving you unless you fix this sexual laziness. you have 6 weeks."
I really think he's just lazy based on what you wrote:
" he just lays there with his hands behind his head like he expects me to just get it over with... " either that or he's not really sexually attracted to you and stays because of the kids.
I sadly do not see this relationship lasting.
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A
male
reader, Hennessy1989  +, writes (22 January 2013):
 You need to talk to him about this, ask him why he won't do these things, you must have asked him why, what were his reasons?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2013): Hi.I posted this q. It's very frustrating. But I do love him and everything else is typically very good. But what I notice about myself is Im starting to stray, mentally. I mean I have dreams about having sex, one person at a party and I were talking, he's known my bf for awhile and was telling him how lucky he was and what he likes to do with his gf but how there's a lot she doesn't like to do. I just found myself getting envious. But he does so much also. Helps me clean the house- does the dishes, works on my car fixes our appliances, builds things, tells me he loves me and really tries to show it. The good really makes up for it, quite honestly; its just been so long, I mean once a week. 3 times a week would be fine. Im just so sexually driven right now I'm starting to lack control. It's all I can think about and every night I just start kissing him, I want him to intiate something more. Another problem is when I try to initiate it he just lays there with his hands behind his head like he expects me to just get it over with... I was even talking with a friend the other day and got envious again. Her bf wants it soo bad and she gives him a time limit.. like 3 minutes and I just don't want that to be us. I should clarify I'm jealous cuz her bf would do anything and everything for her sexually and I really want that in my relationship. Dont get me wrong I would never ever cheat, esp not hurt my friends. I'm just a little "sexcrazy" because I'm deprived. I can live with no oral sex, I would lower my sexual expectations - already have- no fore play and such. But I need him to put in more effort, and if he did I would whatever he wanted to try, monogomous-ly
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 January 2013):
I have the exact same problem with my hubby but he's 39 and I'm 52....
I do not have an answer for you other than I take care of myself....
your husband is either lazy or repressed or possibly like mine has such severe OCD that certain sexual acts are repulsive to him.
If you have talked to him and tried to show him what you need/want and he refuses to assist, you have a few options
1. ask him to go to counseling to work on this problem (communication is an issue possibly or lack of respect for you) if a traditional therapist won't help, maybe a dedicated sex therapist might help but I doubt it.
2. accept it the way it is (I get lots of cuddles and kisses and I can accept it the way it is at my age. I do not know if I would have at your age)
3. ask him if you can take a lover (it might shake him up) if that's an option for you
4. leave him.
sex is important but it's not the be all to end all of a relationship... if everything else is good, well then you have a big choice to make.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (22 January 2013):
This is a very tough question, because the guy you are describing has never learned that WOMEN HAVE FEELINGS.. and WOULD LIKE TO HAVE A NICE TIME WHEN THEY TAKE PART IN SEXUAL ACTIVITY, too ..... AND, that the World does NOT revolve around him (this guy)!!!!!
Your options are limited... but the one that keeps your despair to a minimum is this:
You sit him down, some time when you and he are not being intimate..... and you say to him, "You know, lover-boy, when you ignore that I am a person who is the OTHER person taking part in sexual contact with you.... AND you, effectively, treat me like a warm pu**y - let's say a piece of meat - that makes your weeny feel good.... with no regard to whether I - and my pu**y feel good.... It really makes it difficult for me to continue being your girl... OR YOUR WARM, SOFT PIECE OF MEAT. Sooooo, if you ever expect to get me in to bed again... I suggest you find, somewhere, how a REAL MAN treats a woman when she allows herself to be intimate with her.... AND you STUDY the details of that, until you've mastered it..... AND then - and only then (after you've mastered being a good lover) - you might approach me again.... at which time I will allow you just ONE MORE ATTEMPT to be my lover.... AND, if you fail it, I am dumping your sorry a$$... and going to look for another man.... one who actually believes that I am entitled to a modicum of consideration in our love-making...."
That should do it...
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (22 January 2013):
I'm sure it must be very upsetting for you on a sexual level .But i don't think there is any point in trying to get him to do what he does not WANT to do. There is a possibe that he is tired from work or he may have a low sex drive or he may need a tonic. As talking to him seems to have no effect. I would suggest to him that you both go and see a counsellor. Best Luck. Nora B.
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A
male
reader, pschitzo n not +, writes (22 January 2013):
wow I've got the exact problem with my wife, I've gotta do it all all the time but I do oral on her and she hardly returns the favor. Sorry if I couldn't help much, just found you and you sound like me lol, comment me back please we may come to a good solution.
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