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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Hi everyone... I have a but of a weird one today but in just need to know whether I am over reacting or should react to it. So my husband and I have had quite a few issues regarding his parents. We had lived with them for a year and half whilst we looked for a house and normally it's traditional for the wife to move in to the husband's family house for a while. Whilst we were there it was horrible, the worst time of my life as his family told him exactly what to do and how to do it. Every time we went out they would comment on how much we go out and that we are wild. It got so bad they started telling us not to go on holidays anymore as it was too many. And obviously my husband listened as the got into his head so much he felt what they said was always the right thing to do. now we have our place and do whatever we want but they still always kept commenting on our lifestyle and telling us that we dont see them often (even tbough it was every sunday lumch). So in February it got so bad as they influenced my husband so much I called everyone round and had an open conversation about how they can't tell me what I can and can not do and to basically stop clinging on to us blah blah. It then stopped which was great but recently it's started again. Yesterday was my husband's b day and couple of days prior was our anniversary. So I organised a fewhile awesome things (with lockdown in mind) and it was great. Now my husband send's everything to them via their family WhatsApp group.. all our pictures and activities etc which would be fine in normal situation but not this one. We went round yesterday as he wanted to see his family on his bday which is fair even though I wanted him all.to myself lol and all they kept saying is we are sat at home Bored you could have asked us to join you guys and youre always out the country on your bday as your wife takes you away we could have joined you for dinner plans tonight. You know we love Chinese food why didn't you tell us you're going to that new one etc.. let's book it and we go. It's just weird as I've never had that from my family were they ask to gate crash our anniversary or bday plans. It seems like they are so jealous that we go out (p's it's always planned by me as I'm an outgoing person- my husband just rocks up lol). I just don't know how they can simply back off ad let us live our life without always having a say. My husband doesn't shut it down and when we talk about it he's say they are very right we shouldn't go out so much and then we get into an argument. So two questions am I over reacting and should take it with a pinch of salt and ignore them? And how do I actually get them to back off and not be so jealous?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 August 2020):
 OP, I do not mean to antagonize you , and I 'd like to stress once again that I am personally very allergic to any people, who try to invade my privacy or dictate how I should live, so I understand , to quite some extent, your discomfort and irritation. Not totally, though , and even more so after reading your update . It looks to me like you are behaving a bit like a person who books a table at a vegetarian restaurant and then complains that she is being served only salads, no meat ...
I got the money angle wrong, my apologies, but- it's easy to understand why I got it wrong ; because , to a Western mind in a Western society, financial reasons are basically the *only* ones which could justify the kind of arrangement you mention : where the new bride cohabits with an extended family , including older brother - in- laws, and this just not because of money or health reasons, but... because the husband 's parents think it would be nice !
Now, I am not saying that there aren't other familiar and social structures than the urban, Western ones. Nor, that these different ways of living have no validity, wisdom or dignity, or that they are " worse " than what we are used in , say, USA or UK. To each his own, the planet is large and can accomodate many different ways to consider
" family " and " marriage ".
What frankly surprises me is that you seem not to know how things work in your own culture / religion ( if you share the same with your husband ), or that you forgot to look into it before you married him !
I mean, now it's easy to make your in laws pass as clingy , overbearing maniacs ... But probably they are just following their usual, accepted ( accepted by your husband too !... ) societal norm, where parents have a saying in their adult children's decisions. Out of certain traditions, religions and cultures, no, it's not normal for a
( financially secure !) 35 y.o. man to still live with his parents and older brothers, and then bring along the wife too, just because the more the merrier. And, out of certain blah blah , it is also not normal for the new wife to be separated from her own relatives and friends , being prevented from seeing them and visiting them whenever she wants etc. You accepted meekly and serenely these two things , for instance, and probably some more..... and now you are surprised that your in laws feel they can criticize your decisions as a couple, and your husband finds nothing wrong with that ?! That's not unusual at all, in the kind of patriarcal extended family you describe. Did you not know whom were you going to marry, how he was raised, according to which social norms , habits , and beliefs ?...
What does it matter if your family is not as traditional, and is more independent and respectful of your privacy ? ... Then , you two should have gone live with °your ° family , which does things your way ! But... first you marry into a family which is steeped in tradition - then you complain because they are traditional ?...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2020): HI everyone, I am the original poster but can't seem to reply back as the original poster- I feel I haven't quite explained myself here properly. The reason we stayed with the in laws initially was not due to financial difficulties (thank god) as I myself own 5 properties myself and 2 with my husband. We stayed with them as it was his parents wish for us to stay with them so we didn't disrespect their wishes and fulfilled their desires. Whilst we were there, we weren't staying there rent free however paid toward household expenses and did the weekly shopping for 6 people ( his 2 single older brothers and his parents) None of which I had minded. Every time we had gone out they found it strange that they weren't invited or couldn't come to our date nights or outings.
In regards to my own family background, I come from a very very close nit family who I had to leave and weren't allowed to visit due to his family restrictions in order to follow "traditions" so to make a speculation on my family background is not fair. The difference is my family would never ever expect to gate crash our anniversary or birthday plans by inviting themselves or being jealous that we are going out and having a good time. Rather my family would be happy that we enjoying and living each moment of our life- but his parents mindset is very different.
Everything we do they want to do and are extremely jealous if we go out. It's coming from a place where his mum always complains and says- see why do they always go out but all we do is stay at home.
I feel this is our time to embrace being married and enjoy our time together while we still have our health. I have never been with someone whos family tell their 35 year old son not to go on holiday with his wife but to take the whole family instead.
Maybe I am being "childish" to want to spend my life with my husband and make each moment in my life count. But I feel the comments I received on this were extremely unfair so I won't be using this site anymore. Take care
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2020): Let's assume your husband's family-traditions are of Asian or middle-eastern origin. Maybe even eastern-European! I have middle-eastern family members; and their family-structure is similar to your description. My brother-in-law is Persian, from Iran. One of my best-friends and his wife are Chinese; they added-on to their house for his parents to live with them. They are honored and cherished in his household; as are his in-laws. I've never seen so much love and structure, outside of my own family.
Half of my heritage is Indigenous Native American; my mother is Cherokee. Dad was of Greek decent, with a Moroccan grandfather on his mother's side. My maternal-grandfather owned a business, and built a large house; he never let-go of his tribal-traditions, and never let me or my siblings forget that we are Native Tribal Americans.
My first two siblings were born in what we called "the big house." They were the only two born by midwives. The rest of us were born in hospitals. My granddad built a very large and spacious house; and my parents and oldest two brothers lived there together. You respect your elders in our culture; so my dad had to abide by their house-rules. Meanwhile, he went to night-school to achieve his undergrad-degree; and he worked days. My Native American grandparents believed in the old-school tradition, that you listen to the elders for guidance and wisdom; but they do not run your lives. They were there to show the young couple how to be good parents. He and grandmother were like our other set of parents; but once our family moved-out, my dad was his own man. He loved and respected grandfather. He hardly knew his own father; because he was only four when he died accidentally, and his mom died of pneumonia shortly thereafter.
Because my dad's parents died when he was young; and he was raised by two older-sisters and their husbands. He was on his own, and working by the time he was 18. He loved my grandparents, and they loved him. My dad was never a "follower." He'd listen to reason and wisdom; then he made up his own mind. I follow in his footsteps. I value wise advice, and appreciate the guidance offered from those who raised me. It has lead me on the path to success; although I hit a lot of bumps and challenges along the way. Thanks to them, I was prepared; and God was always a part of my life, guiding and protecting me the whole time.
Close-families never really let-go; but you have to grow-up and be your own person. You set your own rules, decide your own path, and follow your own destiny. Your husband doesn't trust his own judgement, maybe due to too many influences; but he did see the reasoning behind the advice his parents were offering you. How could you afford going-out and taking holidays, while saving for your own place? In their house, it's their rules! Parents who love you, guide and advise you. You came to us, but he has his parents; he values their advice! They know and love him.
You're painting a picture of your husband in the light that he blindly follows whatever his parents say. The more I read into your post, the less I believe it is the case. Although they are close; I think they are just trying to teach you, as a young-couple, how to live a life of financial-prudence and to settle-down.
Parents always look forward to receiving grandchildren; so they're urging you two to settle-down, and take life somewhat more seriously. Of course, you will characterize them as being too pushy and intrusive; because maybe you didn't come from such a close-nit upbringing. You're still living like a carefree-teenager, or in your early 20's; but you depended on his family's help when you needed it. None of their advice seems unreasonable when you were living with them; because you didn't own your own house, and that also delayed having a family. That is, if you plan to have children. You haven't mentioned having any. You'll need to wait until you can afford to, if you plan to. Once you're on your own, you shouldn't be running back asking for loans or help. You will, if you're not shrewd and financially astute.
Having his family over and sharing their love is something you'll simply have to learn to live with. Parents are your parents; until either you, or they die! They will speak-up when they see you wandering aimlessly through life; and they will enforce the principles and values they've instilled in you. Particularly when you seem like you have no goals, no focus, or any clue what you're doing. Your husband is caught in-between you pulling him one-way; and his family trying to remind him, it's time to be a man and get your life in order. Party-time is over!
In any case, he will decide what he's going to do; and if accepting their good-advice seems reasonable, he is going to do what's best. It just might lead him to success. He listened to you, now he's beginning to realize it's time to settle-down; but you're blaming his parents, because he's taking their good counsel. Which is HIS choice. Nothing you've indicated about them makes them seem like bad-people. Maybe meddlesome, but they see you both heading down the wrong path. You're too old for careless mismanagement of your money; you need to learn to save and invest. If fun and games keeps you broke, somebody has to let you know. Especially, the people you're most likely to turn to when you're in trouble!!! Isolating him and causing dissension in his family will backfire.
When they cross the wrong lines; you have every right to set your boundaries. You do not have the right to separate him from his family; or insult them when they offer you sound advice. You don't have to follow it, if you don't want to. Don't be haughty or ungrateful!
Seems to me, you are also trying to be the boss of your husband; and don't like when you're challenged. That's the kind of thing that will undo a marriage. You're partners, and your job isn't to see how to breakup and disjoint his family; but to make sure you both live a sensible, prosperous, and good-life. That will hush all the do's and don'ts!
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (11 August 2020):
 The ties that bind and choke. Clingy families wreck marriages. Don't put up with it. I'd suggest a 3 hour travel buffer. Move to somewhere it takes them 3 hours to drive.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (11 August 2020):
I am a bit on the fence on this because on one hand I hate with a vengeance interfering, meddlesome in laws ( also interfering , meddlesome parents, as for that ), on the other hand I can see very well their point under some respects.
For instance , you stayed with them, at their place, one and a half year ! before moving in your own house. Well, that's a long time to be guests, even in your own family, and I suppose the reason was to allow you to live rent-free and to save some money , or more money, for the purchase of your own place. Which there's nothing wrong with, if everybody agrees; it's great. But, then , all the outings, all the vacations ? They cost money. You spend money left and right,... and you stay under your in laws roof as long as the heck you want ? ... Maybe they thought that with a little less vacations, a little less fun... you could have been out of *their* place sooner !.
Also, since you mention tradition,- the problem with following tradition is that you can't just pick and choose, keeping the part you like and discarding the part you dislike. I don't know which tradition says that a bride must go live with her in laws; that's not the tradition in Italy where I live, nor in any other European or American country where I lived in the past. I know for instance that this is how things work in India, and / or in ( some ) Indian families abroad- but the point , and the essence of the tradition is not only that the young couple lives with the old one, the point is that the man's parents ( and bride's in laws ) are to be obeyed, listened to, respected. You don't want to do that?, do you think it's silly, crazy, old- fashioned ? Me too: that's why , if I were a young bride, I'd say "F..k tradition " and I would go live on my own-and / or postpone the wedding until I could do just that : have our own ( mine and my husband's ) place.
I think that perhaps you are putting your husband between a rock and a hard place, because you seem not to realize that the acceptance of tradition comes not only with being provided with a convenient roof over your head, but with other strings attached. Strings which allow, in fact encourage , your in laws to have a say in how you live your life .
As for the birthday thing,- yeah well, maybe you have been a little mean, in a childish way. I get it that you want to do your own thing, hubby and you alone, most of the times, and that's ok, because you are young and prefer to stay with young people. But you are not teenagers, after all ! You are not still at that awkward age when going out for dinner with your parents is a drag and an embarassment ! High school is over, you are all adults ! now, if once in a blue moon you include in your outings the older couple it won't kill you, and it will make them happy !
I suppose that , like most things in life, is a matter of balance, of meeting people half way. They would not feel they have to muscle their way into your parties or dinners if every now and then , say once out of four nights out ? sounds fair ? , you'd actually pick up that phone, and ask them voluntarily if they want to go for Chinese food tonight ! It's balancing act, between keeping your habits and independence and making feel your in laws included and appreciated; I suppose it takes some finesse, some ability, but I am sure it can be done.
This, providing that you don't just hate their guts, and with good reason, like they have done stuff to prevent your marriage, or something really nasty. But if they are normal, boring middle aged people , who just resist being kicked our their son's life... well, why should they accept being kicked out, they are family, aren't they ?, so just show some more patience ( while you still keep a reasonable distance .)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2020): I am sure many will see it from the parent's point of view - simply because they are older and family. But I see your point of view. It is up to you how many holidays you go on, how often you go out, where and who with. They only have a right to say something if you are asking them to pay towards it or it is somehow infringing on them i.e. expecting them to babysit, house sit or take care of pets.I know a lady who sounds very much like your family.She has few friends because she never bothered to socialise with people outside her family, she always poured all of her attention onto her daughter and grand kids. She never had time for other people. If she heard her daughter and son in law were doing something exciting she would invite herself. She would want to visit them a lot. They did not want this. They worked, they had a full life and they had a good social life with friends and other family. A lot of this stuff comes from the fact that your family are needy due to not having a full social life. Either they also think family should be their social life or people find them boring, either way they then think you should fill those gaps and make them your social life - or at least a big part of it.One of the reasons some marriages go wrong is because people interfere in the marriage and one or both let them.One way you can handle this without being nasty or giving in is to say to them that you would love it if they invited you next time the have plans to go out with friends. To let you know who with where when etc.This way this puts the onus on them to have something to offer rather than just muscling in on your time out. I very much doubt they can follow through anyway but if they can it would not be often and you can always say you are busy or you do not get on with those people or whatever, you do not need to say yes.I don't believe in this stuff about how kids should always be there for their parents or give and give to their parents. You did not ask to be born and you did not choose them. But do not rub their noses in it either. If you go out five nights in a row to fantastic parties then it is cruel to send them photos and talk to them all about the things you did but did not invite them to. Be more subtle and say you stayed in most evenings or went somewhere but found it a bit boring. And if you are meeting up with people and they get the idea they can come to "warn them" it is quite boring there and you are only going because of and tell them how lucky they are they can stay in instead.There is a power struggle going on here and you will find that if you let them win it other power struggles will come up and they will expect to win them too.
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