A
female
age
30-35,
*allieRahhh
writes:I'm coming to you all to see if I can get a few opinions on my marriage. Recently I have come to notice a few things happening. I had asked if I could go and see my friend that is about an hour drive from where I am. He said no, that it wasn't proper for a women to go places without her husband. I said that was fine, but talking to a few friends online I've been forced to look at my marriage. I'm not allowed to go places without my husband because it's not proper. I'm not allowed to go and visit other friends that I've known for 5+ years. He buys me nice things, and makes sure I have groceries for the kitchen, and I love him, but I can't help feeling like the nice things are just to keep my mind off of the things I'm not allowed to do, or the things that he's done. Such as no car because I can go places without him, no friends over without him here, I have a fractured neck and spine from an argument we had a few years back (I realize most people will say that this is horrid, but in his defense I was a bit drunk and scratched his arm in anger that night.) I guess my question is how can I get him to trust me to see my friends without him needing to be there all the time (I haven't done anything that I know of to lose his trust) ,and what would be the best way to bring up something like that, without being rude?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 November 2011):
 when i as "permission" from my man to go on a girls weekend, it's not asking "permission" as I don't NEED permission, it's more of my way of saying "honey do you mind if i go this weekend... do we have plans i forgot about etc?"
a grown adult in a marriage does NOT need PERMISSION to see their friends.
keeping you controlled like he's doing is abuse.
you are an abusive relationship. emotional abuse is ten times worse than physical abuse you don't even realize you are being abused.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 November 2011):
 What, you have a fractured neck and spine injury ( read : he beat the shit out of you ) and you are still there worrying about visiting friends with his permission... ?!
Who cares if you were drunk, or if you started first by scratching him !,, yes you should not have done it but it's not an excuse for assaulting you ! Do you realize you could have been dead or paralized by now, with head and spine injuries it is hit or miss, a half inch over or under a certain point may mean death or permanent damage ??
Plus, pardon my skepticism but I can't believe it was an once only episode, otherwise you would not be so concerned about being " rude " in preventing him from keeping you virtually prisoner ! If you have to tiptoe around such a normal issue, like being free to take a walk by yourself , I think it's because you are ( sensibly ) afraid of his potentially violent reaction.
This must be a very difficult situation to be in, complicated by your feellings of attachment to him, and I realize it's maybe too easy for me say : oh just walk out and dump him.
But at least , think : think if you want to be afraid for the rest of your life. Always worried to be diplomatic, always careful to not rub him the wrong way even for the most normal and innocent things in this world. What kind of a life is this ?
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A
female
reader, unmeidaagonyaunt +, writes (3 November 2011):
 Oh dear.
This man has you in a relationship defined by control. This is but one definition of abuse. There are several other red flags there.
I hope that you stay safe.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 November 2011):
 Why do you need his permission?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2011):
You scratched him and he broke your neck and back (probably by pushing you down stairs)? You say he's also controlling? I rarely say this because I have tendencies to be controlling and even a little physical or yell at times but I would think very hard about leaving this man. You are forced to stay home alone and only have supervised visits with friends and when you scratch him he sends you to the hospital? No, dear, that is very wrong. I would confide in your mother if you have a good relationship with her. If not, in your best female friend. Are you afraid of what this man might do if you try to leave him?
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A
female
reader, CallieRahhh +, writes (2 November 2011):
CallieRahhh is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo, I'm not a child. I will say though that he is the only man I know. I've been with him since I was 18, married at 19, and I'll be 21 in a week.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2011): Goodness, this is 2011. You are a grown woman and not owned by your husband. I fear your situation is difficult because you are married to a man who thinks of you as a possession. How do you turn things around? If he is very set in his views you will have trouble changing him. And you have let him treat you in this way it seems. You are young, you deserve a life, friends and a bit of freedom and a considerate husband would regard this as normal. Don't waste your life on someone who will crush any independent spirit you have. Point all this out to him, maybe there is a small chance he'll see your side of things.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (2 November 2011):
 It's not rude to ask to be a living human and not a doll. Or a pet. He doesn't own you. And he wont stop control over you for as long as you let him. If you don't want him to say you can't go here or there or see this or that person, then you need to stop letting what he thinks matter. YOU have a brain of your own. If YOU want to go visit friends then you do not need his permission, because you are not a child. Are you? Are you a small child that needs his approval to do things, and needs his supervision? Or are you an adult?
You need to start living life how YOU want to live it, meeting people you want to meet, and then HE needs to adjust. He wont ever adjust for as long as you allow him to treat you like a child.
I don't know if he can accept you being an adult and acting like and adult, doing your own things, but if he can't then you need to make your decision, is it good for you to stay in a marriage where you are his doll, and not a human being, or is that not ok?
If he lays his hands on you or hurts you there is NO excuse. It doesn't matter if you provoked it, or if you scratched him first, or if you yelled at him, or if you were rude, it doesn't excuse it. He can NOT lay his hands on you and hurt you. Each time that he does, you need to report it to the police.
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