A
female
age
51-59,
*hrisholli
writes:It seems that every time I need to talk to my boyfriend about an issue regarding our relationship he gets defensive and concludes that I have my period. I now feel that should I have something I want to discuss with him on a serious note, that he will immediately sum up that it must be that time of the month. I told him that its not fair that he uses my period as a cop out. I should be able to talk to my boyfriend of 3 years without out hesitation or fear that he will treat me this way, right? After our argument, I texted him that he really hurt my feelings and he texted back that if I send him any more texts today that he would not read them and would be sure to erase them. 2 days after our argument, he acted like nothing was wrong. I told him that I now don't know how to talk to him and that he really hurt my feelings. He said, that he did nothing wrong and doesn't feel that he should apologize. Help!!!!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2011): Are you dating a 15yr old...? because that's what he is acting like. He obviously can't be that bothered about your relationship and prefers to keep it as it is (which probably suits him more and means less work/effort on his part) and is using that excuse as a cop out. You realise that even he on some level knows it's not your period each time right? So it's showing very little care, consideration and respect towards you that everyone should get in a relationship.
If he is around 40....I don't think he will change, it will be a constant battle to discuss things in your relationship like adults. Even if you issue an ultimatum, he might try and change at first but will go back to his old ways soon enough.
So it's up to you - decide if you can carry on like this....or not.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (2 November 2011):
 Tell him the next time he deflects you by assuming you are menstruating that you are pregnant with triplets. Maybe that will get his attention.
The point is that he has figured out how to derail you and make your hormones the guilty party in any discussion.
My tack on this would be to tell him, up front, no I don't have my period, no, this is not hormonally driven. I have something to discuss with you and I would appreciate your attention. If he refused to honor my concerns, I'd be shopping for a new boyfriend.
"Obviously, testosterone turns you into an ostrich. If you can't cope with an ordinary discussion about something, and want to blame it on my hormones, I'm not going to waste time with you. Thanks for the good times. Bye."
My guess is that you have very different communication styles, men prefer getting to the point right away, women want context.
There are lots of books out there on managing differing communication styles; perhaps you could look into getting a few and pick on that he would read as well.
I liked "That's not what I meant! The differences between women and men in conversation." Deborah Tannen was the author. It's an older book. There are probably lots of new ones out.
Right now, I would tune him out and just stop contacting him for the time being. If he doesn't come around trying to negotiate a new way of communicating, I would be very surprised. Don't continue to ask for an apology, that's backing him into a corner. Instead, tell him that you feel your current communications styles are mis-aligned and you'd like to find a new way of managing problems. And that you'd like to work on that with his input. If he ignores that, well, maybe he's just a jerk.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (2 November 2011):
 Has he always been like this or is it just recent? It sounds to me like he doesn't like to talk about his feelings and he tries to cover up problems instead of working them out, maybe he just cannot be bothered listening to your problems or else he is unsure on how to handle them, either way communication is a key part of a relationship and if he is not prepared to have a decent talk with you after three years together, well then I would be asking yourself what is the point in the relationship if you cannot be open with each other. You told him how he hurt you and he still feels like there is nothing wrong. I guess it is up to you what you do next, but just make sure that you let him know that it is not acceptable behaviour to you.
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