A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Okay, so I've been with my gf for ten months now. I love her honesty, she's type to say what's on her mind without being disrespectful or rude. She'll simply let you know her truth and I used to love that.If she says she doesn't like something or someone, then you know that she truly doesn't. On the flip side, when she says she loves something or someone, that's the truth.after a while, I was kind of reluctant to do anything wrong around her. Bc i know she'd tell in no uncertain terms what she thinks. she can be too honest sometimes and some ppl aren't ready to hear the truth...she'd hurt my feelings on plenty of occasions by telling me exactly what she thought of something about me or something i've done or said. and when I told her that i didn't need to hear that, she'd say something like 'i thought u wanted my opinion.'after a fight bc she was again too truthful and blunt, i told her that in relationship you're supposed to try and avoid hurting each other's feelings. she took it to mean i wanted her to lie to me to spare my emotions.i just wanted her to be more tactful in the way she said things. she then asked me if what i wanted was to only hear the good things and lie about the bad? i said, on some level, yes. So now, she doesn't give me her opinion about anything. and when i ask her what she thinks about this or that, she just shrugs and says 'you don't want to know'.Turns out i don't like that attitude more than her blunt honesty.How do i get her to open up to me again? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 October 2012):
 Funny, she got a taste of her own medicine, and she did not like it :).
I mean, you told her " candidly " and " honestly " what you think of her bull-in-the-china-shop ways, and insensitive attitude - so you pointed out frankly what YOU think it is a fault in her -- and now she won't play ball, uh ?.
Eh, it's always more fun being the criticizer than the criticized.
You can try to explain her that you value very much both her honesty and her opinions and advices,-opinions and advices , though, that you'd like her to give you the chance of ASKING when you feel like.
That does not mean that if she has something to criticize or to reproach you, she can't say anything. But she is an adult, non a 4 year child who 's justifiable for saying anything she's got in her mind. Adult DO put filters to their verbal exchanges, and that's not hypocrisy, just consideration, compassion and good manners.
Honesty does not have necessarily to be brutal.And you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.
If your gf dies her hair platinum blonde, and you dislike how she looks now, " you look trashier and cheaper than Eminem's mom " is worse than " I like you with any hair colour, but I do miss those sensuous shiny raven locks of yours ". Both sentences mean the same thing ( I prefer you as a brunette ) , but the second is respectful, positive and non-confrontational.
See if you can come up with your own examples , to illustrate your point, and maybe she'll get it. Your gf may be wonderfully honest , but is also a bit lacking in social skills, and she should work on improving that.
Hey, maybe if you tell her frankly and bluntly :" You have the social skills of a kindergarten kid, time to grow up ! "....she'll appreciate your honesty and thank you for it..... but somehow I doubt it ,LOL, when the shoe is on the other's foot... is always comfier..
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2012): those times when she hurt your feelings by her criticisms. What was her intent? why did she feel a need to voice her negative opinions about you, to you? was she trying to get you to change into what she wants? that's controlling behavior. and now her behavior seems passive aggressive.no wonder you don't like her attitude, no one would. How does SHE handle it when you or other people say hurtful opinions to her? If you told her that you honestly think she looks fat in the new dress, or that you think that she did something really dumb, would she get upset? If yes, would she nevertheless expect you not to get upset when she voices negative opinions about you?
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (8 October 2012):
 You explain that you never had a problem with her honesty, you had a problem with how it was delivered. Say you may have said you wanted to be lied to to spare your feelings but that's not what you meant, you just want honesty that isn't said in such a harsh manner. And explain it is all I the way you say things. You love her opinion but it comes across in a brash, harsh way. It's understandable that you don't want to be hurt. I am an extremely honest person but I will definitely sugar coat the painful parts because I don't want to hurt someone's feelings, I am still honest but not mean. She needs to learn the same. Being honest is a great admirable trait but being mean and rude with your honesty isn't. For instance if you don't like something she cooked it is okay to say "it was alright but not my favorite thing you have made" rather than "that sucked". Or even saying "you don't want to know". She is still being rude with that comment.
I don't know how you get her to be a bit nicer... But for starters let her know the way she delivers her honesty is the problem, not the honest opinions.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (8 October 2012):
 She just wants to be right doesn't she? Sensitivity has to be developped. Give her an example, like clothing. If I wear something too tight and my belly is showing, rather than saying I look ugly, my boyfriend could start with "you have a great body, but you can wear things that accentuate your boobs and hide your mid section because you tend to pick clothes that are too tight." Ideally you want someone with basic speaking manners and not someone who needs to be taught. It depends on your patience. It helps if there are enough good things in the relationship to outweigh the bad. I am not sure if she is being blunt or trying to make you angry. Maybe she is the kind who doesn't like to be asked questions so she is pushing you off with her brutal honesty. If that's the case you have to express to her that communication is important because you can't read her mind all the time.
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