A
female
age
51-59,
*-wahoo
writes:My best friend(male) of 2 years(Whom I dated for the first year and half) is now dating a woman whom seems to be threatend by me. Without telling much more of the story, we have not had communication for 3 months. I gave him space to develop relationship. I tried to reach out, he won't meet me to smooth things between us with out her there. I feel first we need to work on us and smooth our friendship and NOT bring her into a tense situation.Now he has stated he doesn't want anything to do with me and doesn't want to hear from me because I won't agree to have her there. I know its because of this girl not trusting him. I have no desire to be with him intimately anymore(not in past 8 months).Any advice on what to do would be welcomed.
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female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (24 July 2008):
 No lying does not work with me either, thats enough reason to not establish a friendship to me.
You 2 dated, it didn't work out, end of. He probably lied, because he's a liar, compulsive, pathalogically, whatever. But he's capeable of it, and possibly always will be. Unlucky for the new beau in his life.
C xxxxx
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (24 July 2008):
 Wow, he has been very busy in the 2 years you've known him. You two have dated, and ended that part of the relationship and "I supported him through his divorce( even encouraged him to consider saving marriage), 4 break ups with girlfriends, family feuds and more."
This guy frankly sounds like a mess. If he's gotten a divorce and dated and broken up with 5 women within a two year time span? Is that right or does that need to be amended.
Look, it sounds to me that you like to play the role of 'fixer' for him. And you really want to be one of the top people in his life. It sounds to me that he's scootched you down or possibly even off that priority list, and it is really making you angry and hurt.
You also want some closure on the lies he's told you. I don't blame you, it's nice to end things on a good note. But sometimes you just have to accept that the relationship as you know it is over, and in fact may be completely over. He set some ground rules, you wrote, "Now he has stated he doesn't want anything to do with me and doesn't want to hear from me because I won't agree to have her there." He's made his choice and there's not a whole hell of a lot you can do about. It must be very hurtful and infuriating to be treated like this by a guy who relied on you for so much. You propped him up all the time, the way you report it. Well, he has treated you the way I expect he treats all his friends, in the end, which is why he doesn't seem to have any.
So honestly, I would give up on this immature guy, and stop trying to 'fix' him (I don't mean that in the veterinarian's sense of the word). Accept defeat gracefully.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, c-wahoo +, writes (24 July 2008):
c-wahoo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFor those that are confused and not understanding: The reason I feel we need to smooth things out between us first is because there a few times that he lied to me. Lying does not work with me, maybe it does with you. That
in itself needs to be addressed right there.(not only has he lied to me but also to his sister, his ex-wife and others).
I gave him space out of respect to develop the new relationship. I did NOT initiate ANY contact for 3 months while he did try contacting me.
I was the only friend he ever had(he openly admits). Yes, I know it is hard to believe. He is a bit of a workaholic and never made time for friendships after highschool and then got married shortly after highschool(she got pregnant) to a controling low-self esteemed woman
whom dictated everything he did. Even to this day he has no other friends he hangs out with. His phone never rang when I would be over at his place)which was often. If it did it was usually his wife or daughter.
The reason we would work on us is resolve the reasons he has lied, specifically to me. We haven't had sex for over 8 months, he just started dating this girl 3 months ago.(This is girl #5 whom he says he loves. When he and I started dating he said he loved me with in 1 month. Girl # 4 was also an "I love her".) So to me that says a pattern right there.
I supported him through his divorce( even encouraged him to consider saving marriage), 4 break ups with girlfriends, family feuds and more.
I feel it wouldn't be fair to pull her into our "tense relationship" right now. I know I wouldn't want to be the one being brought into something I had no clue about(only a one sided account of the problems). I will let her find out how much he lies on her own.
I am a strong believer in "my friends, your friends and our friends." I go out with mine, you with yours, and us with ours. It doesn't mean I'm not open to including the new girlfriend. If we didn't smooth things out first then it would just continue to be tense for all of us.
We would meet in a public place. Not mine nor his. It's not like I'm gonna throw him down on the floor and go at him. I am not physically attracted to him.
Maybe this clears some things up
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2008): You sound abit hypocrite there. No desire to be intimate with him and yet you ask him to meet you without his girlfriend? sounds intimate to me..
I think you still want him and you should get over that, maybe find a boyfriend of your own, Im sure there are enough guys out there who want a relationship with you so why stick to this one guy?
Why insist on putting more tension on their relationship?
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (23 July 2008):
Hi
I am with him on this one. For them as a couple, if there is nothing between you two, then he has nothing to hide. If i had a bloke that didn't want me involved when it came to a female friend, then i would be wondering why. He's basically saying he would like to be your mate, but she comes first (quite rightly) and if you want to be his mate, he comes as a package with his girlfriend. Thats normal. And refreshing to hear, lots of blokes put their ex before their girlfriends and it causes no end of problems. He sounds very sensible.
C xxxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2008): Just forget about him.He's not a true friend.He's your
"best friend" as you call him,and he's choosing a relationship over you.His gf is controlling,otherwise he
wouldn't feel like he has to include her in everything.I say forget about him,but if you want to smooth things over,then you're just going to have to deal with her,
whether you like it or not.Nobody should feel like someone's come between them and their friend,especially if
they have a wonderful friendship.xxx
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