A
male
age
36-40,
*hrisC
writes:This past December, I reconciled with my ex after a 9 month breakup. Before that breakup, we had been together for 4 years. We were engaged to be married. We weren't getting a long and I started to get cold feet. We were fighting all the time and I was struggling with depression. The wedding was called off and finally she decided she couldn't handle it and called off the relationship. This was April of 2009.We stayed in close contact after the breakup and continued to see each other. She said that she still wanted me in her life, that we should just see each other casually and see where it goes, but that she did not want to be in a relationship with me. I also discovered a few months after the breakup that she had signed up on dating sites. I was devastated and knew I just needed to not worry about getting her back and go out and live my life.So in July 2009, with a bruised ego and low self esteem, I went out and lived my life and tried to be happy. I ended up having a one night stand with another woman. This was the only other woman I ever had sex with. Both me and my ex were virgins when we got together. I felt absolutely horrible about it. It didn't mean anything to me emotionally, I was filling some physical need. I felt so bad about it that I felt like I had cheated on my ex, even though we weren't together. I still loved my ex deeply.After this we had started to see each other more and more. I knew I didn't want to be with anyone else. We also started sleeping together again. However, we kept going back and forth about whether or not we wanted to get back together. We couldn't get on the same page. Finally, we started to see each other more and more and spend more time together. She started bringing me around her family more, etc. Then finally in the beginning of this past December, she told me she wanted to get back together and make it work, put the past behind us and focus on the future. She wanted to spend her life with me. So we got back together.Of course, over the course of our reconcilation, she asked numerous times if I had slept with anyone else during our breakup. What did I do? I lied to her. Again and again. Each time she asked I told her I hadn't. I had always had a history of lying to her, not about big things, but just little white lies, because I thought the truth would hurt more. Selfish, I know. This was no different. I thought that if she knew I had slept with someone, she would be out the door. One night after having sex, shortly after we had reconciled, she confronted me with the question again. She said it just felt differently, like I was doing something differently during sex. Of course, I lied to her again. But then she kept saying she didn't believe me, and that she had a right to know because of the risks of STDs and what not.So finally, I couldn't take the guilt any longer and just confessed to my one night stand. She freaked out and said some hateful things to me. She said I had no respect for her and didn't care. She said I disrespected her body because I slept with someone else, then with her numerous times. She told me to get out of her life. This was the middle of December. More than a month has passed and I have only spoken to her twice in that whole period. She told me she will never trust me again and she will never forgive me for what I did. She is now moving thousands of miles away too.She claims that she would have reacted differently if I had told the truth from the start, but she also says she is mad at the fact I slept with someone else. I feel like even if I had come clean from the start, she would still be done with me.So here I am today, feeling like I lost my soul mate, the love of my life, the one I was meant to be with. She won't even give me the time of day and seems to be cutting me out of her life. I obviously learned my lesson. I should have been honest from the start but I was afraid of the consequences of that truth. So now I feel like she hates me and will never forgive me and will never want me in her life again. Is there anything I can do? Should I have told her about my one night stand even if she didn't ask? Is that something your ex deserves to know if you decide to wipe the slate clean and start over again? Why have I always struggled with telling her the truth? I just don't want to die knowing that my first true love and the person I thought was my soul mate still hates me and still hasn't forgiven me.
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engaged, get back together, got back together, my ex, one night stand, period, self esteem, soulmate, std, wedding Reply to this Question
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male
reader, ChrisC +, writes (20 January 2010):
ChrisC is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh god, to think that I screwed her life up is killing me. To think that she is broken is not a good feeling. To think that I let a good one get away is killing me. I don't know how to live with myself.
Another detail I didn't mention in my original post was that my ex was sexually abused by her ex-stepfather from ages 6 to 9. This is something she will never get over. This is probably the reason why she waited until she was in the love the first time, with me, to lose her virginity.
She probably feels like I vioalted her sexually when I didn't tell her I slept with someone else, then slept with her, and then lied to her when she asked me about. I feel like now she views me in the same light as her step father...this is the LAST thing I wanted and I don't know how to live with myself if she hates me like she hates her stepfather. I don't want to be viewed as an abuser like he was. I never meant to hurt her!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2010): well lets just hope that her faith in man is not destroyed. she is a broken woman but i think one day she will get stronger. and that no matter how hard the truth must always prevail.
you let a good one get away......and what makes this harder is that she gave you her all.........and she truly loved you. just chalk it down to mistakes we make and learn from it.
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A
male
reader, ChrisC +, writes (19 January 2010):
ChrisC is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnonymous - thank you for your input. This is really hard but what else can I do. I wish I never put her through this. I learned a very important lesson, even though I learned it the hard way, and that is to always be honest with people no matter how much you think the truth will hurt.
I was always afraid of the consequences of the truth when I thought the truth would hurt more. That was the case with this recent lie. I thought that since we were both virgins when we got together, if she found out I slept with someone else, she would never want me again and would view me as damaged goods. She even said after all this that she was upset about both the lie, and the fact that I had a one night stand.
One time before I admitted it and she asked me about, she told me if I ever slept with someone else she'd never talk to me again! That was another reason I lied, and I do think it was unfair of her to say something like that. However, I should have just been honest and been a man about it and I should have been willing to face the consequences of that honesty. I failed. And now she is hurting and I am hurting. It really didn't have to be this way and it is all my fault. I don't know when I will even be able to forgive myself for what I did.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2010): "I had always had a history of lying to her, not about big things, but just little white lies, because I thought the truth would hurt more." no matter how likable you are lies are lies and they will destroy any foundation of a relationship. why the lies? how can you live with yourself. don't you feel guilty of continuously lieing. please grow up and become the man you know you can...........without the lies.your gf had a right to know about your one night stand. i think she needs to be commended for thinking about stds. whether she would have forgiven you or not, YOU LIED and you hurt her tremendously. yes you are drama filled right now but spare a though for a girl who remained loyal toyou and expected some honesty when you both got back together. i truly hope that she can find it in her heart to forgive you one day and that she moves on. i think you let a good one get away. and you know it. it is not he one night stand that destroyed her, it was your continuous lies. in the end lies just destroys everything, doesn't it. i hope you have not spoilt the rest of her life. it is going to take her a long long time to get over you. sad. for both of you.
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A
male
reader, DeadEyeDick +, writes (18 January 2010):
 look everybody, what I see is what I see, it's not to argue with, if it's correct, it's correct, if it's not, its not, I wont comment anymore on this, I dont know either of you, just the scenario! my opinion isnt going to change, im sorry, but did she sleep with anyone else while you were split? do you know she did or didnt, as fact? really, it's none of your business, just like it's none of her business, any more then if you had just met each other, so critisize me all you want, thats just what i think.
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male
reader, ChrisC +, writes (18 January 2010):
ChrisC is verified as being by the original poster of the questionsoon567, did you read my original question? I don't get your last paragraph. Where did I say I dumped her before our wedding? That isn't what happened. We weren't getting along and I got cold feet and we kind of both called it off but stayed together, 3 months later SHE DUMPED ME. So I'm not sure where I implied that I dumped her before our wedding, that isn't the case.
Also, people did not have a problem with her giving me another chance. Her family loved me very much and were happy to see me around again. They always wanted us to work out. I'm not sure what she has told them now, but I'm willing to bet if she told them every detail, they probably don't like me very much anymore, and that is to be expected.
I appreciate your advice, but some of the things you are saying aren't accurate.
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A
male
reader, DeadEyeDick +, writes (18 January 2010):
and btw, I just got out of a 8 year relationship with someone that continuously lied to me, that I continuously gave the benefit of the doubt to, I don't know if theres anyone on the website that so freshly knows exactly whats going here! NOBODY! and she was my soul mate, but she never got the reaction your getting! because I truly loved her, and thats how I know what someone that really loves you would do or say in that situation, you could have told her that the second she asked, only it would be because you slept with somebody, your being put into a lose\lose situation, HEADGAME! get out now!!!
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A
male
reader, DeadEyeDick +, writes (18 January 2010):
Bro! she wasnt asking you because she was concerned about HIV, or she would have said, "If you had unprotected sex while we were apart, id really like it if you got tested" sound like anything she said? I didnt think so, hey you can think what you want about my opinion, but you asked for it! do you want me to tell you, its all your fault, you shouldnt have been having sex, you should have put your entire life on hold until she was ready for you? okay, well use that as my advice then! I bet she didnt tell you she had slept with anyone, did she? nope! and you can bet your ass she never will, or never would have! bro she's playing head games with you! if she really loved you, she would just be happy to have you back and it really wouldnt matter what you did while you were apart, cause IT'S NONE OF HER GODDAMN BUSINESS!!!
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A
male
reader, ChrisC +, writes (18 January 2010):
ChrisC is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know this affecting her. I didn't mean to seem like I only cared about how I felt. I care about how she feels too. I know I learned a lesson from this. I just wish that this never happened. I still love her and that is why I have let her go. I don't contact her, I don't beg her for forgiveness, I have left her alone. All I want is that one day maybe she can find it in her heart to forgive me for what I did. That doesn't mean her coming back, but just that in her heart she can forgive and see that maybe there were some positives that came from our 5 years together. And there definitely were. We were great together for most of the time until all this happened. I now know that you cannot lie to someone you love. I've learned a very valuable lesson the hard way. Now I just have to accept what has happened and try to move on.
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A
male
reader, ChrisC +, writes (17 January 2010):
ChrisC is verified as being by the original poster of the questionsoon567, I really wish you wouldn't portray me as some awful, terrible person. You don't really know me so I think that isn't fair of you to paint me as some kind of villian. This was the only bad thing I ever did to this woman. I loved her with all my heart before our first breakup and did everything I could for her. I am just human and I made a TERRIBLE mistake. Deep down, I know I am a good person. A terrible person wouldn't give a crap if this happened and his ex ran away. A terrible person wouldn't be feeling this huge guilt and remorse
This is the only time I royally screwed up and I have to live with it. I'll have you know that I did use protection during my one night stand. I just assumed I was fine and therefore didn't have the need to tell my ex. I might have thought differently if I went out and slept with tons of women without protection.
I had never been in this situation before and I guess I panicked. I should have been honest upfront but I wasn't. I know there is nothing I can do to get her to come back and I don't blame her for not wanting to come back.
soon, I really wish you didn't act like it's such an awful thing to sleep with someone else when you are broken up. If had told her from the start that I slept with someone else before sleeping with her, would you still think I am a bad person??
I do love her, and that's why I am letting her go. I am not asking for her to come back. I just want her to be able to forgive me one day.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (17 January 2010):
God, why would you want her back? Seriously, she has issues. All right, you lied. But even if you had told her the truth at first she would have done this. To be honest, I think you're better off without her. You're asking her to forgive you for something that happened when you were apart. To be honest, she asked and asked and asked, so when you did say it and she freaked, that just said it all. What you did when you were apart was non of her business. Let her go.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (17 January 2010):
God, why would you want her back? Seriously, she has issues. All right, you lied. But even if you had told her the truth at first she would have done this. To be honest, I think you're better off without her. You're asking her to forgive you for something that happened when you were apart. To be honest, she asked and asked and asked, so when you did say it and she freaked, that just said it all. What you did when you were apart was non of your business. Let her go.
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male
reader, DeadEyeDick +, writes (17 January 2010):
Fuck her bro!! seriously, tell her to get fucked and go fuck with somebody else's head! you two werent even together when you did that! so on top of it being none of her goddamn business, you should tell her you banged a different chick every night until you got back with her! because it's none of her goddamn business what or who you did, tell her that it's her fault, if she wouldve not insisted you guys not be together, then you wouldnt have been with anyone else! dude you don't need the headgame of someone trying to use something against you, that has absolutely nothing to do with her! thats what i think!
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