A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Im in need of major advice:My hubby and I just got married last fall, and already he's been threatening with divorce. Begging of this year we have moved to the US due to his work and thus I am a housewife since I am unable to work since my visa limits me. So my duties are: make sure place is clean, cook and make food, laundry, and other errands. If talking about finances, we are very well off since his company pays for everything. Eversince we moved, things between us have been going sour. At first, he was working someovertime which was okay, but then I noticed that he has changed. We had our fights, some of them we were able to discuss and talk it out and some have become impossible. He's been threatening with divorce, and continues to do so whenever there is a difference. I am no angel, I have accused him of him cheating on me and of course that was wrong.I accused him of having something with his co-worker since he's been very attentive to her, and when he gets home he's totally uninterested with me. I have learned this the hard way in him distancing himself from me which caused me to become further insecure and made things much worse. Ive been trying to be supportive to him, in which make him feel better and not to cause tension at home since he may have been having stressful days at work. Though, I realized that it is not only me who must put in the efforts. He did try but gave up. Now, whenever there is a fight he continues to use this as an argument. He's been picking on me too, that I havent been doing much and he expects me to do things. He is using my not completed studies to show how I have failed and since I am unable to work, I feel trapped. He's become very demanding and maniuplative. For example, we have a joint bank account so we use it for basic needs and he said that I have to show him that I have earned in order for myself to get something. I rarely shop, and when I do go and get something for myself I really feel bad for it.I was confident woman before,and Im just very insecure and have low self esteem. He continues to threat more nowadays with the divorce and the next day after he is apologizing. I think that he loves to be in control and show where he stands. I would like to know how about me getting my equality and power back in this marriage, and what should I do when he continues with these threats. It's been killing me that I have been lying to my family that things are alright when they aren't.
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at work, co-worker, divorce, insecure, self esteem, trapped Reply to this Question
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male
reader, quarky  +, writes (3 April 2008):
 I really, really feel for you.
OK, so I can't answer your question directly, I can only speak from my own experience. The fact that he's speaking about divorce and seems to be using that as a weapon, for whatever (it seems to me petty) reason, is not a good sign.
A relationship should be 50/50, sometimes more or less if and when the need arises. If it's not, then a brave face can be put on but it won't help in the long run.
May sound corny but maybe some counselling is needed-try to get the real issues on the table as it doesn't sound like that's happening just now.
Don't put up with it whatever you do-relationships, more so marriage should be about being ourselves, having our own lives, and still be a couple, 50/50...
As I said, no answers here, I just wish you well, whatever the outcome.
A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (3 April 2008):
 Hi ,
I hate to say it but I don't hold up much hope for you gaining some sort of equality in the relationship. It looks like he has got you exactly where he wants you.
Were you aware that by moving away with him at the time you would be giving up a lot of your freedoms? Being a housewife for someone who is used to working would be a big change, especially as you don't have friends and family around - you must get bored sensless.
You seem intent on making the marriage work, but he seems intent on doing the opposite. He has all the freedom in the relationship and you have none. People who threaten divorce all the time are idiots in my book. It is a very serious threat levelled friviously which serves only to bring down the confidence of one person.
Sorry mate, but he seems rather cruel, you are on your own with little support, and you have no job , no freedom with money, and nobody to turn to by the sounds of it.
Maybe you should be the one threatening divorce.
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A
male
reader, Escalaya +, writes (3 April 2008):
 Personally, I think you should get out of that relationship. But let's take a different look at this.
He's been very attentive to another female, accusing you of things, and picking fights. He's distanced himself from you, and seems to be uninterested in you. All the signs of a cheater.
As for the threats, simply tell him that you will not stand for his emotional abuse anymore, if he threatens you with a divorce any more, you'll go ahead and accept his offer of divorce.
If he truly loves you, he'll get his shit in check. Don't be afraid to tell him what you need, or to tell him what needs to be changed for your happiness. If he's not making you happy, dear god, woman. Get the hell out of there. You deserve your happiness, do what it takes to get it.
~One love,
Escalaya
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