A
female
age
51-59,
*isa38
writes:How do you get your teen to open up and talk with you? My daughter is 15 and we have had on and off issues for few years so we are not as close as we used to be. Now I have suspicions she is sexually active but she is very shut down and seems annoyed when I want to talk about it. Tried cutting down her free time but that backfired, and tried a friendly approach as well same result. any help appreciated. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Lisa38 +, writes (23 February 2013):
Lisa38 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, you have helped. I feel less crazy now.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (23 February 2013):
 I talked to my mom on the phone today and mentioned your post to her, and her response was "I could have been the mom in that post when you were 15" which made me think about that.
My mom and I fought like cats and dogs right up until the time I went off to college. We were oil and water, we could argue nonstop for hours. My father during that time used to say that it was because we had such similar temperaments that our stubbornness just had us both locking horns, me closing off and resisting everything, and my mom pushing back as hard as I did.
The funniest thing happened when I moved out on my own, went through college, started my career, and found the guy I eventually married...my mom and I became really close. All of a sudden, we were relating in a way I never thought would have been possible as a teenager. I feel bad now I made her life so difficult as a teenager, and she feels bad she used the hammer instead of her listening ears. In spite of the tumultuous relationship, I think we both turned out alright.
You both will too, and keep connecting with her. Explain why you do things (I need to give you boundaries for going out all the time because it affects your grades and a lack of sleep could make you sick), and why you keep asking her about sexual activity, because you worry about her being taken advantage of, pregnancy, STI's, etc.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 February 2013):
 When I had a 15 year old stepdaughter (who I was mom to from age 9) I did tell her all the things I was doing at her age (and yes I was sexually active) and I told her that if she had a boyfriend and wanted to have sex with him I was ok with it IF she was on the pill and he wore a condom... i told her to come to me to take her to the gyn for her appointment.
she did.
she felt she could come to me for anything...
she came to me once and said "mommy I've never seen a penis" so we went online and found pictures together... flaccid and erect...and we talked about it
I'm not sure if it was our personalities or the fact that I tried hard to be a female force in her life... or the fact that I was a wild child at 14-17 myself...
it sucks to have a kid shut down on you.
i recall being that age and my mom taking time on Saturday now and again for "girls day out" she took me shopping for clothes and we had lunch and talked.... it wasn't too often (2-4 times a year) but it was priceless for me... dad not around.. mom not judging... my mom died when I was 35 and I never got to tell her how much those dates meant to me....
OP, try to remember how stupid you thought adults were when you were 15... how grown up you felt at 15 (and how stupid you felt at 30 when you thought back on it)
rough age for a girl and her mom
best of luck.
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female
reader, Lisa38 +, writes (22 February 2013):
Lisa38 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI didnt mean I cut down her free time because she wouldnt talk to me. It was because she was constantly going out. I guess i tried to sum up alot of issues in one question. I do realize i need more patience and have let her know she can tell me anything. Just seems is slipping away and was looking for some strategies to try and get close again. I think having lunch just us now and again and patience yes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2013): YouWish is right OP, it sounds to me like you're interrogating her and prying.
Try what she says but I'd honestly trust her for the most part. Her sex life is not really any of your business. Your business is to keep her happy and safe, so if I were you I'd talk to her about staying safe sexually and even offer to go get contraception if she feels she needs it.
OP it sounds like you're trying to stop her being sexually active, you cut back her free time and honestly if she feels you're against it she's going to keep it a secret no matter if you follow YouWish's advice or not.
If she feels you're against her on this then she's going to stay shut down and may even start crossing some boundaries to defy you on the issue. I don't need to tell you what teen girls can be like when it comes to boys and "love". They have no idea what they're doing but they feel they "need" it very often and will just see you as an enemy if you try and deny them that.
OP if you accept she's at the age to experiment with guys, dating etc. if she feels you're on her side then she'll let you guide her and you have a far better chance of helping her not make mistakes and protecting her than if you approach this from the angle of not wanting her to do it and trying stop her.
You're going to have a long few years of battling defiance if you think you can control her love life. You put her at more risk if she feels she has to defy you and she may even take bigger risks sexually for the greater buzz and excitement of doing the forbidden.
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (21 February 2013):
I remember feeling uncomfortable with talking about these kinds of things with my parents at that age. I'm not sure there's anything that could've changed that.
If you're worried about pregnancy and std's you need to just sit her down and in generic terms have "the talk" with her. Don't ask her if she's doing anything, just give her the "its normal at your age to...." speech.
I'd suggest getting her on birth control and making condoms available. It may not make either of you comfortable, but it sure beats the alternatives!
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female
reader, franny1297  +, writes (21 February 2013):
 Im a teenager too, i get on with my school work, and personally i like to be left alone, but i am very trusted and i happen to be one of those teens that will NOT lose there virginity before marriage. I don't like being pestered all the time, i like to explore too and find out knew things. I've noticed in myself that im not the same person as i was when i was about nine. when i hit puberty, i was a different person, i felt like and adult but a small child at the same time. Id say give it a few days, don't talk to her much, and see what she does. Take in mind that teen years are the years when anxity comes on. I have SAD (Social anxity disorder), and it does make me angry sometimes when im in a bad mood or i just want to be left alone, and people just want to pester me into talking to them. You tried an friendly approach? don't approach her at all because she must have lots of things on her mind that cause her stress. Don't tell her off to much, don't talk to her too much (it'll make her angry)and when you talk or do things, just be soft, calm and just someone who it there for her. i've noticed too that, i don't like being treated like a child, but i don't like being treated like a 30 year old person who has lots of responsibilities. To get her in a good mood for a few days take her out to a nice place, chineese resturant, cinima .ect. Or just cook her something she's always liked for dinner. Let her out with friends.I don't know your daughter, becuase all teens are different. This isn't great advice but hope it helps!
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (21 February 2013):
I'm a mom too. Kids start developing their own worlds and start straining for their freedom. Not ready to fly yet, they start fighting against the parental restraints anyways. That's natural! If teenagers didn't go through this phase, no kid would ever leave the nest and go live on their own!
That being said, go grab some lunch with her! Watch a movie with her, and schedule it! Don't just spring it on her.
When you're spending time with her, don't jump into sexually active subject. Start talking to her, and LISTEN to her. The idea is to have her talk more than you. Ask open-ended questions, not closed ended "how is your day" questions no kid ever answers.
You want to connect? Open up about when you first became sexually active. Tell her what it was like the first time you lost your virginity. Tell her about the awkward fumbling stickiness of it all. Tell her about the friends you knew in high school who got pregnant or got involved with toxic men. Share your own regrets with her...and share the good parts too!
When the kids become teenagers, it's almost like you have to get to know them all over again, because we see the little girls and boys they used to be, but every year and every new puberty chemical changes those brain synapses, and everything looks different to them, including you.
Connecting doesn't mean lecturing. Connecting let her know that you were in her place, and that you're interested in what she has to say too.
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