A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello all, I am wondering what you guys would consider normal boundaries and communication frequency in a relationship. Me and my boyfriend live together near our college, but I came back home for a couple of weeks to visit my family. He hates it but he had no choice, now he is complaining that I don't call him enough.I text my boyfriend throughout the day and it is constantly, and we have spoken on the phone around 3 times during these 10 days. Once he called me at 12 and said he only wanted to speak for a few minutes , but after two hours he would not hang up.Our conversations usually end with him literally crying and saying he misses me and that he cannot live on his own alone. The morning texts are just the same, I wake up to texts of him saying he hates his life, and that it is unfair I am not there. He also always calls during lunch times or some inconvenient time, so I tell him "I'm sorry , I'm eating with family right now" and he just keeps talking, or asking questions. Or I will say "Hey, I really got to go now" and he won't get it. He wants to talk on the phone EVERY night, even if we constantly text, IM and email. I like talking on the phone, but he wants to phone for hours. Communication is nice, but I feel so smothered. He is upset I am busy with family and wants me to blow them off and tell them to not monopolize my time while I am here, and that I have to make time for him.Another issue is that I am out with my family, and get home late 11pm or later. He works early , so I do not call to let him sleep. Usually he doesn't sleep unless he sends me really sad texts saying I need to hurry back to the house, and how hard everything is for him alone, and how he wants to die or kill himself while he is alone. I wake to the same texts, and he says I do not communicate enough.What would be a good decent amount of communication so I can help him relax??? How many times should I call a week???????? What do you consider a good amount?? Please do not suggest that I talk to him, he only cares that he is alone and that I've left him. He knows he is clingy and overbearing but he is unwilling to change. So I just want to know if I am not calling him enough, or how to handle this. We live together so I have no choice but to try and make this work.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2013): Thank you all
Yes he has drained me significantly, and he has a stressful job on top of a full schedule at school. He switched schools to be with me and he constantly brings uo leaving it all for me. I do text him all day, and I also think that no matter what I do his need for me to be there won't be quenched. I have to go back to work next week.
I really get what you guys are saying that people like this are dangerous. I try to be supportive, but he says I exaggerate to get support... I know this is biased since it is only my side of course. He is a great guy, and besides this issue he tries hard to make me happy . He won't get help because he doesn't deem it necessary and when he took meds he disliked them.
A
male
reader, DoubleL +, writes (8 July 2013):
I think it is time I responded to this. I am the OP's BF. I have frequented these forums for a while and have sought advice here. My girlfriend has also posted several times, and we usually discuss what she or I post in hopes of resolution with our mis-communication. For the sake of clarity, I feel what is written here is a wide exaggeration and is not telling enough of the story for her or I to have any kind of mutual understanding. My girlfriend, whom I love death, signed a lease with me back in December. I wanted to get out of my house and live on my own and she wanted to go to school here. It was convenient. But it was my idea and took some coaxing. Hindsight I do not think she was ready for this. We moved here in the beginning of January. Within 3 weeks of living here she had to leave for 2.5 months to take care of family business. She made it back in time for birthday, stayed about 2 weeks and left again for over 2 weeks. She then came home for about a month. She has now been gone again for over 2 weeks. In the time we have lived here she has been away for nearly 4 months. This relationship started as a long distance relationship. I understand her having her own life, I encourage her to go out with friends. What she finds too troubling is a simple text or call at the end of the night to tell me she loves me or that she is safe. These past 2 weeks she has not been very conversational. Her "24/7 texting" only includes some links to craigslist postings here and there. I think she has called me less than 3 times and 2 of those were 2 min conversations where she literally called and hung up. I have only expressed to her that I missed her and asked if she could make time for me. She does not. I do not care how busy someone is. I work 50 hours a week and I still make time out of my day to put aside from her. In the past she has had bigger commitments than this has made time for me. It is as simple as if she wanted to call she would. Her constant leaving is evidence of her unwillingness to work on this relationship. Her family is unaware of my existence so yes I have stated that them thinking she is a "single woman with no job in our college town" means she has all the time in the world to do stuff for them and constantly take her from her. In her last visit home - she left immediately because of a supposed date for her mother's surgery. This meant her cancelling 2 weeks of plans that we had made. I even had taken specific time off from work for her. She is upset because on a daily basis I asked when the surgery was and when she though she would be coming home. The surgery did not happen for 2 weeks after her originally stated date and when she left she gave me hope of her being home in time for at least some of the plans we made. I do not understand how me asking what is going on in her life is wrong. She tells me nothing. I have been more than understanding in her travelling. I have paid all the bills. She has made several minor contributions to our lease. She has not paid any rent. She has bought groceries once or twice. She has helped with cleaning or laundry when she has been here. But I do not understand how me wanting her home, and her to get a job are me being "controlling" "mental issues". I suffered from depression in my early teens. I did not like how medication made me feel. So I exercised instead. I do not have the time to do that with the hours I work. I do not have time for friends. All my time goes to cleaning this house alone or paying bills. I have asked for help, and instead this is how she feels and what she writes. I do not get it. I have honestly tried to talk to her but she cannot make time to call and talk. She told me the other night she would call me at 1 am to talk. She instead ignored me for 24 hrs. Said her phone was dead and on a charger. She made time to post this, and other things, do other things.. why not make time to call or text me to know she is alright? I just do not feel she is committed to this relationship or truly wants to fix things.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2013): Hello OP
I agree with previous posters that your boyfriend has boundary issues and is being manipulative. He is demanding that you attend to his needs when you are with your family. He is controlling your time, the whole time.
He does not listen to you or respect your wishes. He does not take no for an answer.
That's incredibly dangerous. He will eventually alienate you from your family and likely friends too.
You will become isolated and entirely focused on his needs.
He will drag you down.
He needs to take responsibility for his mental health, instead of refusing professional help and then demanding you listen to him.
I can't see any good reason for staying with this kind of man.
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A
female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (8 July 2013):
The problem is that there is no level of communication where he won't feel abandoned AND you won't feel smothered. I'm pretty sure that EVEN with the texting ALL DAY and the calls that get dragged on several hours and the calls that interrupt your day, he STILL feels abandoned. I mean, he still goes on about missing you and being alone and wanting to kill himself. I have my suspicions that even if you called him and talked to him for the entire day, he might still feel abandoned because you aren't physically with him.
So the fact that he has problems that he needs to deal with and really needs help from a counsellor or psychiatrist has to happen. You alone cannot help him, you can't find some amount of communication to appease him, without destroying your life. He wants you there with him all the time. Does he get upset if you want to go out and spend time with your girl friends? He wants to monopolize your time, love, and affection, and that STILL isn't enough for him. He needs to find friends, he needs to find a way to occupy his time. He has to be able to cope on his own, you can't always be there to appease him.
In your situation, I think a perfectly reasonable amount of communication would be MAYBE 2 texts an hour (give or take) and a call in the evening (half hour). And that depends on how busy you are.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2013): When I was with my husband, I would go back to my homeland for two or even three weeks, we would not communicate at, all the entire time. That was our normal. I think 'normal', given you are in a serious relationship, would be to text between 2 to 6 times a day, and I think it would be normal to telephone to say goodnight at night...for ten minutes, either every night, or every second night... because I now believe that is what you do with your significant other, to keep the connection and closeness.He is not respecting you or your time, and his behaviour is not normal. He is either selfish and disrespectful, or he has serious issues he needs to deal with. You don't HAVE to be with him, but you owe it to yourself to try everything you can to 'fix' things before you give up.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2013): Thank you all, I know he has issues and I want to accept hkm. It's just im not used to calling prople... mt question is what would be a good amount of communication where he doesnt feel abandoned or i smothered?????
I love him so i wan to reach a compromise
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2013): Your boyfriend seems to be suffering from some sort of mental disorder. He may be under treatment for a bipolar disorder or clinical depression; and could be off his medication(s).
People often try to function without them, and their behavior becomes bazaar and erratic.
I think you need to determine if he is under psychotherapy and on a regimen of prescribed medication. His behavior is far from rational for a man his age, or anyone at any age.
I think the issue here, is this young man neglected to tell you that he suffers from mental disorder, for fear you would have rejected him. If you live together, I suggest that you calmly address the issue and seek answers.
It is highly unlikely he hasn't already been diagnosed for mental illness. No one can display such behavior and not be treated, or hospitalized, at some point earlier in his life.
These symptoms would have manifested long ago; and this is not the first time he has had such an episode. His possessiveness will smother you right out of the relationship. You will not be able to handle it.
You didn't do your homework, before moving in with this fellow. Now he is emotionally attached, and will make your life difficult; should you decide to leave him.
He seems to be totally fixated on you, and undergoes extreme separation anxiety when you leave.
I am cautious on your description of his behavior. I find it hard to believe that you have put up with this for so long.
In fact, you know more than you're telling here.
Unless you are given to exaggeration; don't be surprised if he doesn't exhibit stalking behavior.
Breaking up will be far from easy.
Your remaining in a relationship, should be on the condition that he seeks immediate treatment; as soon as you return.
He is obsessing, and that is not a good thing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2013): No he doesn't have friends, and actually he said he wanted to die because he didn't have anyone but me and I was sleeping when he called and wanted to vent.
He does have depression issues, but he never wants to go or take meds. I know this and accept him. When I suggested counseling he said I wasn't a good girlfriend for pushing meds or doctors instead of just listening to him.
Thanks dcgirl I like how you explained the connectors. I've talked to him endlessly about personal space, but it is useless he has even read my diary.
I'm the poster of the question
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2013): How many times do you think is within "normal" boundaries to call him during thr week?
To me calling him everyday is too much , we already text through the whole day every day!!!
I'm the poster of the question
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A
female
reader, babyzbird +, writes (8 July 2013):
 Wow...your boyfriend would drive me nuts!!
Try to talk to him and tell him that he is smothering you. Remind him that you love him but he is driving you crazy. Give him a limit to the amount of calls, texts and e-mails that you are comfortable with.
I think that his source of panic right now is that since you are not with him you might leave him. Silly I know but I once had thoughts like that towards someone. Reassure him that you miss/love/want him but you have to be able to breathe.
Does he have any friends he can spend time with?
Good Luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2013): Ur boyfriend sounds over bearing possessive and controlling, texting u that he can't be on his own?? Do u think that's acceptable? Do u think its normal for a guy to bombard u like that while ur spending time with family? And you have to justify yourself! He sounds very insecure to me and If I were you I wouldn't stay in the relationship, yes u live with him.. Move out. I was in a similar position and it took me 2 years to see it for what it was and leave. Good luck - ur gonna need it if u stay with him. Take care xx
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A
female
reader, dcgirl15 +, writes (7 July 2013):
First of all, I think you need to reassess your last statement. Your age indicates that you're between 26-29 so it's not that you have "no choice to try to make this work". This guy has serious problems and if you want to make this symptom better, the only real way to do it is to help him deal with his problems. To be able to do that, you're going to have to decide if you're fully committed to it. If you're not fully committed, I would try to get him seeing a counselor before you break up with him. But you can't commit to helping him fix himself if you're not fully invested.I think it's clear your boyfriend has serious issues with depression. I would recommend looking at some online forums about how to address depression with a loved one. It seems as though he's trying to use you to alleviate the depression but the only real long-term fix is to fix it yourself. I would recommend saying something when you return along the lines of "While I was at my parent's house, some of the things we discussed worried me. I really love you and I see a future with you. Because you were in so much pain, I want to find a way to help you. Because I see a future for us long term, I want us to develop healthy habits with each other and as much as I like talking to you, I can't be available 24/7 while building the life I want to share with you. Could we schedule a few visits to a counselor? If you'd like, I can come with you the first couple times to support you." If he puts it off, consider finding a counselor and making the appointment and then asking him to come. Sometimes it's difficult for people with depression to take the constructive steps they need. Avoid using words like 'however' or 'but' and use the connector AND. Using 'but' negates the sentence before. Using and shows that you love him AND want him to be better AND for you to have some semblance of personal space. Not you love him BUT you need personal space.What he's asking you to do is fix something that you can't and it puts undue pressure on you. It needs to change and my advice is to change it before it gets too bad. Good luck! I think this path will be more work up front but I really can't see any other way to fix it. Sorry this is happening to you. I just don't want him to ruin your life too.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2013): I think his so sweet.
Maybe just super sappy but I like your bf.
he is one in a million type of guy, and that shouldn't be a problem. what you need to do is just manage your time.
because the moment he change, it only means there's someone else or maybe he lost his love for you.
But right now, you are his everything. this is the type of guy that I think worthy of my time.
Take good care of him. His One in a Million.
Just manage your time.
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