A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:How do I get my boyfriends dad to move out or make my boyfriend realise it's time for us to find a place of our own?I've been going out with my boyfrind for 18 months, and moved in with him and his dad 7 months ago. My boyfriend and his dad have been living together for 9 years after both of them decided they could not afford to live alone, so it's not like my bf is a daddy's boy who has never let go of the paternal apron strings.Anyway, my problem is after 7 months there is still no sign of my bf and I finding a place of our own. Quite the opposite in fact. The subject has been approached before and my boyfriend said he had been thinking about it but - "I can't just kick my dad out. I was thinking that maybe we could get a bigger place with seperate living areas for my dad so that we don't have to spend so much time with him". (it's like my boyfriend thinks he owes his dad a favour or will feel guilty if we get our own place)Well, I don't want to move into a bigger place with his dad! I want our own place free of constant cigarette smoke where we can start a life together. I don't want to get married and have kids in the future with his dad still there!It's not that I am being a monster by wanting his dad to leave. If you Knew his dad then you would understand!He smoke constantly which gives me headaches and makes everything smell of smoke. He's lazy. He never cooks or helps with the dishes. He doesn't help with the shopping and won't even mention when we run out of bread/milk/sugar etc let alone go and fetch some. And he is so ignorant, he hardly ever speaks to anyone (you should see how rude he is to his own parents when they come to visit!)I'm not kidding you, all he does all weekend and as soon as he gets back from work is lie on the sofa smoking himself into oblivion! And thats where he stays until he goes to bed at 10pm ish. My bf and I never get any time to ourselves.I know I am the one that moved in with them but I thought that if I gave it a few months my bf would want us to get our own place.I'm at my wits end. I really don't know what to do any more. Any advice would be a blessingkind regards
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female
reader, lexilou +, writes (30 June 2008):
 So he has been living with his dad for 9 years so they can afford to live. Why should he suddenly throw his dad out or abandon him?? What will happen to him, will he be able to afford a decent place on his own? Think about this.
Yes its hard and yes you are entitled to a home of your own but it sounds unlikely that youre boyfriend is going to grant you that wish as he obviously loves and cares about his dad no matter how obnoxious he is or how lazy he is.
I think the idea of moving to somewhere with separate living areas is a great idea. Make yours a no smoking zone and explain that he can do what he likes where he is but has to respect your house rules. Which is what you must do whilst you live in his house, it was his house long before you came along so dont expect him to change because you chose to move in x
A
male
reader, no_issues  +, writes (30 June 2008):
 Three easy steps:
Step 1. Tell your boyfriend you are moving out, and if he wants to stay with you now's his chance.
Step 2. Move out.
Step 3. If he moves in with you, you are now successfully living together by yourselves. If not, dump his ass.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2008): Aahaha... I think I understand. You want to be the wicked daughter-in-law that stole his son and now wants to kick him out of the house he has lived in for 9years. I don't think your boyfriend feels he "owes" his dad a favour or feels "guilty". He probably loves his father very much and would miss him if he moved away. I know you probably don't understand this, not having such a close relationship with your parents yourself.
Wow your moving fast, you've already decided to get married and have kids and cut the grandad out of their life. Have you told your boyfriend any of these plans.
No your not a "monster" for wanting to break up the happy family because you don't like the man. I don't know the father, so I'm afraid I can't understand. If he's allowed you to live at the house with his son, he must have a few good qualities. It seems he understands more about love than you do. But then again it's not your problem. Of course you shouldn't have to live with ciggarette smoke. If he won't stop smoking then you should move out.
You should think carefully about where this relationship is heading. It seems when you choose your boyfriend you got two for the price of one. Be carefull your boyfriend dosen't share his father's traits. Probably when you move away together he'll turn out to be just like his dear old dad. He's managed to live with this guy for 9years, maybe he likes the smoke and the mess, what will you do then.
I can't really see why you have a problem with this old guy sitting on the sofa that either he or his son bought. Is it your furniture, are you worried about him destroying your stuff? If you want to be alone with your boyfriend then why don't you go upstairs to the bedroom. Is the house so small that you and your boyfriend can't find somewhere to be alone? Or maybe the problem is your frightened that your boyfriend might just prefer being with his dear old dad, even more than you.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (30 June 2008):
What about if you got a place of your own? That way your boyfriend could come and stay over and you would have the pace you want.
And I bet after a few months he would be there more than he is at home. So it's just a matter of putting his name on the bills then.
You should also start leaving some quit smoking leaflets around the house. Either that or wait a couple more years and the Bf's dad will be dead from lung cancer.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, Minelisse  +, writes (30 June 2008):
 Well hon, that's between the two of them. He might feel some kind of "obligation" with his father and the fact that he might not be able to pay for rent alone. I wouldn't leave my dad in the streets either. Thats good family values and you should be happy about that.
Now, going back to the situation. Maybe you could meet him half way through. What about a place that has a small flat at the back? Maybe his father can stay back there and pay a smaller amount of rent. That way the cigarette smoke can be left at the other house (make sure to talk about this before moving). You need to make your bf understand how uncomfortable you feel with the smoke (I would too) in hope that you three can come into some kind of arrangement about it. The truth is you are coming and asking for changes but they need to understand you have your own prerogatives... you also need to understand this is a family ordeal and asking your bf to kick out his dad will not likely work on your advantage. Be smart and good luck!
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