A
female
age
51-59,
*e' Taime
writes:My boyfriend and i are together 3 years he is 44 and i am 42. Basically he became good friends with a woman for about a 2 years ago. he helped her settle into our country they were friends and now he is telling me he is in love with her and he cannot deny his feelings for her.the thing is i saw this coming and i tryed for months to tell him to stay away from her and to stop meeting her for coffees and lunch but he told me i can't choose his friends for him. What killed me was he gave her the look that i know means he is crazy about her and all she would do was smile at him. ts been like this for months and i tried to spice up our relationship. i tryed to make ou sex life better but now he has told me its not sex, that he has feelings for her and that he is sorry for feeling this way but he can't help it . Thing is she is in her early 20's i thought they'd never like eachother because there is 20 years between them she is too young for him they seemed always as just friends, but i used to get so jealous if they joked with eachother or anything and its obvious she likes him as she always smiles to him. I am trying all week to save my relationship but he dosen't want to hear of it and says he has these feelings for over a year and a half and that he had to tell me now because he couldn't keep it in. We can't have children because i don't want them and we argued but i know i will never have them and he has thrown this across my face . He keeps saying its unfair to him but i seriously don't think he understand what women have to go through in birth and pregnancy i just can't do it. i do not like children i always felt like this and i thought he did too.He hasn't told her yet that he is in love with her because she is in her own country and won't be back until sunday and that is why im trying my best to save our relationship. I liked the girl but until i found out this i feel like i want to push her off a cliff because i am in so much pain i feel like she has taken everything that she is a loser. I just don't know how he could fall in love with a friend. How do i make him not love her and love me again please help?? Sex dosen't seem to work here??
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female
reader, amenthyst3356 +, writes (19 April 2012):
He had an emotional affair for months with this woman and he is now to the point where he wants to make it physical. It's time to dump him and move on. It's not the issue about having children it's just an excuse he can throw your way to deflect that you have been telling him to tone it down and he didn't respect your relationship enough too. There is nothing you can do unless he wants to, which at this point sounds like he doesn't want to. He will come back at some point but you cannot take him back he doesn't have any boundaries with the opposite sex and will not change unless he sees it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2012): He cannot help his feelings. He cant make himself fall out of love with her anymore than you can make yourself stop feeling jealous. Its not her fault too.
What is his fault tho, is that he is still with you despite being in love with someone else. He should have broken up with you because his feelings are just not with you but with her therefore its inappropriate to stay with you. You should let him go. You cant control someone else's heart and mind and to try would be doomed to failure. You are just not compatible. Move on.
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A
female
reader, Wisdom  +, writes (19 April 2012):
 I agree with the posts below but I want to go one step further, I doubt that she will want to be with him full time as you said there is a massie age gap. I would be more careful about him crawling back to you once she tells him no or gets bored of him.
Be careful and good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2012): Oh hun this must be such a hard thing to go through, but im sorry to.say i dont think he is going to change his mind, the best thing u can do is try to accept what he is saying and try to move forward even though it is really unfair.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (19 April 2012):
Hi there. I don't believe sex is going to fix things here.
It's not the answer at all.
It does seem that you not wanting to have children with him - or at all really - could be a big part of the problem, for sure.
By what you say here, it does bother him, doesn't it?
You also say you thought he felt the same, but apparently that's not true.
Now that we are on the subject of having children - or not having children - have you and him actually sat down together before now, and discussed this thoroughly?
In any case, at the age of 42, it is possible to fall pregnant, although doctors often say that after about the age of 37 the chances of falling pregnant are greatly reduced and with some problems.
This is something to consider also.
Although, you have already said you do not want children at all, so it's not even on the table for discussion, is it?
At some point soon, it is essential that you DO sit down with him to seriously talk about this, and to ask him if it is influencing his decision to be with this other woman.
For yourself alone, you really need to know this.
Even though he believes he could be in love with her, at the back of his mind, becoming a father could be the driving force for him right now.
Especially, as he knows you definitely DO NOT want to have a baby yourself, and you seem adamant about this.
The fact you don't want to go through pregnacy and childbirth, could be pushing him away from you.
The desire to be a parent is strong when it's there. And it usually can't be denied, no matter how good a relationship might already be.
So even though you have had a pretty strong relationship, perhaps the deciding factor for him in where to go with it, is the fact he wants to be a father, but you DON'T want to ever have children.
And it can be a big divider in any relationship, when it comes to the crunch.
Obviously, up until now he has not had children in any of his previous relationships, but before he gets too old, he DOES want fatherhood for himself.
And if you won't give that to him, well then he feels he has no alternative but to continue to seek it out.
In saying that, please don't feel that you must change your stance of wanting children - just to please him, and to keep him with you - because it would end up in time, that you would regret that decision and would possibly feel some resentment about it and towards him.
So don't take that path. You would be doing it for all the wrong reasons.
And it might NOT necessarily save your relationship, or make you happier together either.
Once there is some resentment in a relationship, it's very hard to remove, because you can't reverse what has already happened.
So consider your actions very carefully.
The most important thing to do now, is that you MUST absolutely sit down and talk to him about everything, and about how important it is to him that he has children.
The children issue, is a really big one.
There definitely seems to be a lot riding on the decision of whether there is to be children or not.
Please, do not delay this discussion any longer.
Only then can you move forward with your life - with or without him.
At the worst, it could be that he pursues a life with this other woman to see how it goes.
Or, you and he decide what you are going to do, to work on your relationship, and what needs to happen to make it the best relationship that it can possibly be.
It needs to be all weighed up and what's good and what's not so good, and if you both believe you can improve what you already have.
These are the decisions to be seriously considered.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 April 2012):
 This is not the girl's fault and there is nothing you can do to change his feelings to be honest....
The big issue is that he wants children and you do not.
So even if it's not this particular woman, he will need to go find a woman who WANTS to have children with him...
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (19 April 2012):
 It sounds like to me that you are caught between a rock and a hard place here.
I think we have to look at love as a bit more of an emotional thing rather than something that can be reasoned with using logic. It would appear that your boyfriend is emotionally captivated with this younger woman and to be honest, there isn't much you can do to change that fact. You can be mad, threaten, be sexually available, be the awesomest girlfriend ever, but if his heart is with someone else, it will be unlikely that you'll be able to win him over.
At this point and painful as this question may be, I think you need to ask yourself why you would want him back. And could you ever trust him again if you were able to get him back? He's obviously emotionally invested in her and I suspect right now he is using you as a back-up sex partner until his love is requited. Despite your long history together, presently you are #2 in order of importance in his life.
Only you can decide if your willing to settle (and I emphasize the word settle) for a man who is willing to throw away the time that you've invested with each other with someone half his age. But unfortunately there are no magic answers to making someone love you when their heart is with someone else. Your only true option is to hope the new relationship doesn't work out and he chooses you as the consolation prize.
Good luck.
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