A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am currently pregnant about half way through. My bf - 41 is currently living with me but I am thinking it would be much better if he left. Last night we were having a good night together, I cooked him a v tasty meal and we watched tv for a bit. Suddenly out of the blue he called me a pain in his ass and walked out to smoke. He knows that smoking is one of my deal-breakers but still went ahead to do it...I don't want to go out with a smoker. He knows this so it just irritated me more so when he came back I said are you being like this as you want me to break up with you? he said no...so I said so why you do then? I never said anything bad about him though he was annoying me. I was totally shocked that after slaving over a stove I got that so in my anger, I called him a jerk back and told him to leave. The night before we had bickered and he called me whiney etc. cos I was explaining to him how turbulent things were over the years with my family. Instead of being sympathetic, he was just insulting. I told him calmly I think it would be better we broke up and he move out of my place cos I am not into mud slinging words back and forth and name calling. I have a 1 yr old daughter already and I don't want her to think this behaviour is normal...as to me it is not. He is not her biological father but he is to this baby. My daughter is now starting to get v attached and love him which is making me v uncomfy as we are really not getting on. There are other stressors too. He came from US to be with me here...but hasn't found work and his money has now dried up and cos I cook at home that is essentially how he is currently surviving. He wants to work and all but gets stomach probs and goes off running for a toilet once we bicker and his work situation has not changed so I can only assume he believes he is currently failing to care for me, the unborn child and my daughter. I told him even if he felt that way, there should be mutual respect between us irrespective of our differences. By the time I finish house chores and caring for my daughter and this pregnancy - its just late at night...and I want to talk to him then...but now for some odd reason he refuses to talk. He is divorced twice and well even though he claims to be over her - he stayed separated from her for 4 yrs..were together for 2 yrs on both marriages - they never had kids in neither marriage so this is his first baby. I find him totally emotionally detached and there is absolutely nothing I can seem to do to get him to connect with me. Romance has gone out the door due mainly from a lack of money. So now we don't even go out as I am in no position to pay for us all. He then went on to say last night that he thinks I don't care for him. I do. Enraged, I told him so why I do all that if I don't care for you? Why did I even bother to cook for you? Why do I do the things that I do? just to get that really negative reaction from you.Its unfair and totally uncalled for. I feel he should go but he won't cos of this baby...and I don't want him living with me anymore cos he is taking me for granted and not meeting my needs. I told him so even though it hurt me to do. Why won't he respect my wishes and leave? I said to him if I have to ask you to leave in order for you to realise my worth I will do that...so why are you still here? I am guessing its cos he has nowhere else to run to as he is abroad and of course no money. So any advice on what I can do to solve this would be much appreciated - thanks to listen.
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female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (11 May 2011):
 If he is on a 6month or 2 year visitors permit, he will have no choice but to go back to the states when the visa expires. It seems that neither of you knew eachother well enough to be able to make a decision about living together let alone having a baby.
You say you want him to leave but you say you care about him...really I think you are confused about the whole situation and are just frustrated that he is freeloading off you.
The thing about him having stomach problems that prevent him finding work seems like a lazy excuse. He also doesnt have a good track record with relationships so I would be very wary.
In order to make things get back on track, he needs to stop making excuses and contact the visa office to see what his work right are. If he can work then there are plenty of jobs he could do...even if its just working a fast food restaurant...at the end of the day he has responsibilities to provide for his soon to be born child.
None of this is going to be resolved until he steps up and stops being a lazy bum. If he does nothing then I think you can assume that you made a bad choice of partner and you are going to be raising the kids alone.
You can nag him and bitch at him until the cows come home, but if he does nothing...nothing will change.
When he came to England, was he planning to stay forever?
How long have you known this guy?
Is this the first time you have met, when he came to live with you?
Lots of grey areas in your question but from the outside it looks like a pretty hopeless deal.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI agree completely with what both of you have written so first of all - thank you that is sound advice. Chigirl - its really bad for work in Ireland at the moment. I agree that there are hard working jobs but he is here on a tourist visa so not entirely sure if he can actually do them without having a work permit which again costs money. I agree that he shouldn't be free-riding off me though... I think he can provide for himself when he is earning but is frustrated at the fact he still isn't earning yet. He gets stomach probs and goes running for the bathroom just over the thought of him still not having found any work. He can't relax and I told him it bothered me he had a short attention span when it came to having a serious conversation with him. He said if he ends up going back to the US he will send money to me and will be back for the birth and stuff but I feel weird about it. If he goes back to US he will be living with his mom. I told him his lack of emotional connection towards me bothered me and that I don't see the point of us clinging to a dead relationship full of ambivalence. So yeah maybe it would be best if he went back to US..he has helped around the house with the cleaning etc. so am slightly worried that if he goes back that support will disappear yet I don't want him living off me when he knows I can't afford that right now.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (11 May 2011):
 If you really need him to leave, all you have to do is contact the police and tell them he's unwelcomed at your house but wont leave. He needs to get his behind to the embassy or consul since he is not a citizen of Ireland, and get sent back to his country.
Him not finding a job is HIS problem, it shouldn't be yours, and it's not responsible of him to be free-riding off of you like this. He probably does have good qualities in him, but from your description of him I don't see why you are with him to begin with? He doesn't listen to your problems or show respect for your problems. He doesn't respect you by calling you names, smoking when you have agreed on smoking being a deal-breaker... and so much more. He's also just loafing around with no job and no money, living off of you.
It's time he takes care of himself, which means if he can't afford to stay with you he needs to go back home and come up with a better solution.
However, if you kick him out you are likely to not see much of him again, and your unborn child will not have a close relationship with it's dad.
To be honest, this man reminds me of an ex of mine, which is probably why Im not positive towards him. He reminds me of a person who is only interested in themselves. How can an honest and noble man tolerate living off of his pregnant girlfriend without contributing in ANY way? He doesn't sound like a real man, but a baby.
I don't know about work opportunities in Ireland, but here in Norway, even through the financial crisis, there ARE jobs. The jobs may not be classy, they are hard work, but you get paid. If someone in Norway told me they can't find work I'd laugh at them because they are pitiful and lazy people. There is tons of work here, but you can't be picky about it. Beggars can't be picky! Again, I don't know how it is in Ireland, but if your man is a snob then likely there is lots of work for him to do, he just doesn't feel like it. Like cleaning floors, doing hard labor, work at a factory, all sorts of low paid hard jobs. But, a job is a job and nothing to scoff at, and you NEED the money. If there are such jobs out there in your area, and he's just too much of a snob to take them, I'd give him the boot.
If there truly is no work in the area whatsoever, you and him need to get together for a plan B: he needs to move to where-ever there is work. Which could mean a neighbor town, or even him going back to the US.
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