A
female
age
36-40,
*abymonkey422
writes:Hey everyone I need help :(My husband and I have been married for 2 years but have only actually been with each other 5 months out of that due to the army and him being deployed. Our relationship before the army was very strong and healthy but while he was deployed he became very distant which I understood was something he needed to do to protect himself while he was over there but he was distant even with me. He would say he was happy to hear from me, that he loved me and missed me but it was just words. I didn't feel it :( Anyway so that went on for the whole 15 months he was gone and we fought a lot bc I felt he wasn't there for me. It was very hard for me and I felt like I was married to a wall and just wanted to feel like I meant something to him.I got a new job towards the end of the deployment and made a lot of new friends. I've always gotten along better with guys so it wasn't surprising that my new best friend was a guy. We would hang out a lot and I never got that weird "vibe" from him so I thought everything was cool. I would go over to his place and drink and play video games all night and for once in a very long time I was happy. Life was good, my husband was coming home soon, I had a great best friend and was finally feeling like I was living life. Well my husband was not happy with my new friend. He said he didn't mind me hanging out with him in a group but not alone. It wasn't right. Well I would assure him that it's bc he never met this guy but he needs to trust my judgment and what did he expect? Me to not meet anyone new whenever he left? So I continued to hang out with my friend even though my husband wasn't ok with it. I thought he was just acting jealous since I'm all the sudden happy and it wasn't bc of him. Well one night I was over like always and drunk and my friend was going through a divorce and I started talking about my husband and I's problems and started crying, he hugged me and for whatever reason thought it was ok to take advantage of me and start kissing on me. I felt alive. I felt wanted and like I meant something to someone, even if it was only for that moment. And I didn't want it to stop :( So I let him take advantage of me and I ended up cheating on my wonderful husband... I felt so horrible afterwards and couldn't believe what I did. I always felt so strongly against cheating and KNEW I would never do it to someone but I did! I just couldn't believe it!So husband came home, and I was debating whether or not to tell him. I was so torn bc I knew I had to bc he has every right to know but I knew it would mean the end of us and since I knew I would never do something again I didn't know if it was worth the chance. Well I ended up telling him about a few weeks after he came home bc I knew that if he cheated on me I would want to know. He didn't leave, he said he didn't hate me, he was disappointed but he wasn't leaving, he said he just had to figure out how to get past it. I was the only girl that hadn't cheated on him and now that wasn't true so he was really hurt bc he knew he was partly to blame since he knew I wasn't that type of woman.He stayed for 4 months and I was so guilty and felt like crap that I was so bad to him :( I would yell at him and cry and ask him why he was still distant and throw things at him and just completely horrible. I was so blind... of course he was distant. I betrayed him in the worst possible way :(One night after a fight, I came home and all of his stuff was gone. He said he was leaving and didn't want to be with me anymore. I did everything I could to get him to change his mind bc I felt we weren't at that point yet. I made us an appointment to see a Chaplin, wrote him a long letter which he said he was impressed with and just tried every way I could to show him how sorry I was and how I was going to get help for myself. He did change his mind but we both agreed that staying separated was best. I mean it took him leaving for me to even realize what I was doing wrong.Well he changed his mind a total of 6 times... "I'm leaving, I'm staying, I'm leaving..." After the last he changed his mind I snapped and ended up in the hospital. Well now he says he knows he needs help for himself since he doesn't know how to have relationships with people including friends since he always ends up getting stabbed in the back. He says he still loves me the same way he always has, he doesn't hate, he cares about me a lot and that I mean the world to him but he needs to figure out things on his own and he wants to move on. He says it would be great if he could forgive me and we could try to start over fresh but he has never been able to forgive anyone before so doesn't know if he even can so he wants me to move on and get over him... He wants a divorce and is very fixed on it bc he doesn't think he'll be able to forgive me. He says he just needs to figure out his stuff first now since he's about to deploy again in a few months for a year and then he'll focus on getting help for himself. He says he wants to forgive me but he just doesn't know how he can. It's just s frustrating bc I feel like there's hope since if he can forgive me then if we both want to try again we will but he says there's no hope and I don't know if he's just saying that so I don't wait for him. He said it wasn't fair for him to go back and forth on whether or not he's staying or leaving so he made a decision bc he didn't want to hurt me anymore. So I gave in and told him I would sign the papers and he said we weren't going to file them until I'm on my feet. So we're pretty much staying married so I can get benefits like my therapist and money he's going to give me monthly for living costs and such until I'm able to take care of myself which obviously shows how much he cares. I'm even going to fly back to our hometown and live there instead so I can "move on" since I don't know what else to do to get him to see that divorce isn't he option for us :( He's even going to go to out hometown for his leave and says he's going to want to see him majority of his time there and we can see how we are together.I just can't wrap my mind around how he still feels the same about me love wise and how I mean the world to him but he wants to move on and wants me to move on. Why doesn't he think, "Ok I can't forgive her now and don't know how I can so I need to talk to someone and wait this out bc I love her and she means so much to me." He's going to talk to someone even so why does he feel like he needs to move on? I'm just so confused and helpless... I told him that I wouldn't be fighting so hard if I really felt that it's what's best for us. If I really felt like there was no hope I would move on... I've done it before but this time is different bc I don't feel we're at that point yet :(We would still talk and see each other, sometimes sexually and he told me he didn't want to stop talking to me or seeing me bc he enjoyed it and doesn't hate me but then why is he trying to move on? I understand we both need to move on from what happened but he makes it sound like he wants to move on from me... I told him I wasn't going anywhere and that I'm still going to be here for him. He has no friends... my family is his family and I care about him so much I can't just walk away. I know I messed up so bad and am getting help for myself right now. We talked last night and he said he wanted to stay friends but not if I was going to bring up relationship stuff every single time we talked which is true. I don't want to but it just happens :( So he said he just needed time and to figure out if he even wants to put forth the effort to make us work. It sounds like he doesn't know what he wants still but doesn't want to drag me along just in case he decides he doesn't want to try in the future. He said he needed me to listen to what he asks and wants his space so I told him I would respect him and wouldn't call anymore but asked what I could expect. I asked if I could expect to hear from him and he said yes, like once a week and I asked if I could expect to see him and he said I don't know. I asked him why and he said bc he's trying to move on and he can't do that if he sees me all the time. I asked him if it was bc he enjoyed it too much and he said well yeah and I told him that was a good thing. It shows how strong our relationship really is, that even though we're both going through all this we can still laugh and enjoy each other. I told him that that's a blessing and he should embrace it and not run away from it just bc it makes him want to change his original wants of getting a divorce. He keeps saying it's what's best, not that it's what he wants :( Lastly I asked if I could expect to see him before I left and he said yes. So right now I'm just trying my hardest not to call him or text him so I can show him I'm strong and can do this... Sorry, I really tried to make it short but I didn't want to miss anything.Please help!!! D: How do I get him to see that we still have a strong relationship, it's just broken? I don't want a divorce... he's the love of my life and I know where I went wrong and so does he and we're both going to get help so it's not over... omg it's not over :(
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best friend, cheated on me, divorce, drunk, jealous, kissing, money, move on, text, video games Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, babymonkey422 +, writes (4 June 2010):
babymonkey422 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hey, I just posted a new question about another issue with my husband. It would be great if you guys could read up and give me some advice :/
It's called My husband told me he's not "in love" anymore, is it over?
A
female
reader, babymonkey422 +, writes (10 March 2010):
babymonkey422 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all... I'll stay true to him and not "move on" like he wants me to. He's worth the risk and worth possibly waiting only for him to not want me back.
I'll also just continue to give him space and not call him or text him or anything but when he does call to let him know I'm here and will always be there for him.
Thank you again...
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (10 March 2010):
 The only thing you can do for him is to remain true to him and not start another new relationship ever.
If you honestly and truly love him , you will have to remain single for him until he comes back for you .He may not come back and that is the risk you will have to take.
If you found somebody better, you may forget him.
Only time will change his opinion and heal all his pains. The water must flow till it comes to a dead end and only then will it flow backwards.
Keep your communications open and let him know that you are always thinking of him.
Best of luck to you.
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (10 March 2010):
He is saying its over so he can cope better while he is away; especially since he is going to be deployed again. He doesn't want to be wondering what you are doing in his absence. In the military, that is a common scenario to be cheated on by the partner you left at home. So his worst fears that he has seen many others going through became true. A young marriage rarely survives such an early separation. When your husband is deployed, you have to stay close to family or other army wives for emotional support and keep yourself busy, maybe with college class or something to keep your mind occupied. He is in a dangerous war zone being shot at regularly and maybe having to kill; so to cope, he has to detach from his emotions. It takes at least 3 months post deployment for him to start to decompress and feel safe enough to be emotional again. He is out there defending your safety and serving his country. So you have to learn to be understanding that he can't help not being there and not being lovey dovey after a day of seeing his comrades' limbs blown off and surviving death by a whisker on a daily basis; all so you can have the freedom to booze and chill with your male friends. So this time you can't force him to love you the way you want. You are going to have to prove you are worthy during his next deployment by keeping yourself in check. You have to do double duty for your relationship while he is doing double duty for his country. When you have proven yourself, only after his return from his tour of duty will he be able to move forward because you would have proved your love for him. All the best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2010): I have been through something very similar with my husband.I've done what you've done and worse. Its only1 Thing...That's how ur husband wants it.My spouse is in the Army. They sex overseas.AskBoutIt
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