A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've known my girlfriend for a little over four years and have been with her for a little over a month and a half. A year and a half ago, she got out of a terrible two-year relationship that's left her very emotionally fragile. I know I would never hurt her and she knows I wouldn't, either. She's known me long enough to understand this.The point: I know she's the one and I know I'm going to marry her and raise a family with her.The problem: She's terrified I'm going to leave her because she brings up her past relationship a lot. So she's rushing the wedding planning when she should be enjoying the dating part of our relationship.Yes, it annoys the hell out of me when she brings up her ex and I know she's well over him. Personally, I don't know a single woman out there who would enjoy an emotionally abusive and cheating boyfriend. I just don't know how to get her to stop bringing up her past and to stop worrying so much about any wedding we have in the future seeing as how we aren't even engaged, yet!What do I do???
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2010): She has unresolved issues with that relationship still, look she might be over the man but she's still not over the experience if you know what I mean.
If she can't bring up her past with you, then who can she bring it up with? I say let her talk about it, just listen don't judge and reassure her. It's only just over a month into this relationship, I'm sure it took a lot longer for her ex to turn rotten, for his bad side to appear.
You might know her a while now, but your relationship is still very new, she's still very insecure and she's going to need time to see this time it will be different, the only way she'll see this is through how you respond to her. She feels she can talk to you about him and what happened as annoying as that is to you, it shows a level of comfort and trust. If you shut her down about this then you thread dangerous ground, she will eventually just get over this and will no longer feel the need to talk about it incessantly but that will only happen once she feels secure in this current relationship.
You have to find a way to make her feel more secure, the fear she has of losing you is something that is overwhelming to her, you know this all too well. In my view the only thing that will work is time and your behaviour. Try and show her as much as you can what she means to you, not just say things but through actions. Little things that you know she'd like, take her places, show her off to the world, include her in your life as much as you can.
If you want to enjoy the dating phase of your relationship then do, take her insecurity with a pinch of salt for a little while. It should die down on its own, if after a little while it doesn't subside then you'll need to sit down and talk to her. Tell her that you don't want to have live in the shadow of her last relationship, that now is what matters.
A
male
reader, RIKI93dw  +, writes (18 August 2010):
Ok in Reading this carefully I think you should sit her down have a nice chat and tell her that she has nuthin to worry about anymore and that u will always be there for her. And look about her bringing up her past dnt stop her ok this is her past and she Probably brings it up because she trusts you and she may need to talk about it to move on from it I know by my history that if she kept it in her head never talked about she could become worse but as u said that her talking about it annoys u should probably ask her why she does bring it up so much and maybe you'll get to the root of the reason why she does. I hope this helps
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A
female
reader, zebralove  +, writes (18 August 2010):
 Maybe what your wife needs is a therapist. It seems to me there are things that have happened in her past relationship that really traumatized her. It would be good for her to make peace with the past, because it is not healthy for her nor is it for your relationship.
Also, you need to know that this has nothing to do with you. I don’t think you’re doing anything to make her feel as if you would treat her badly. You should try talking to her about therapy or something you believe would help her stop thinking about it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2010): Bottom like in she is scared. Its natural especially if she was in a long relationship with her ex. But if she is scared you would treat her the same she would be putting up a wall instead of rushing everything.
I would just keep loving her and making her happy. At some point she needs to realize the only guy that matters Is you!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2010): Ask her why she keeps bringing it up, there must be a deeper, underlying reason. You are right to not rush into marriage as, in my opinion, you are too young and never know what may happen. If her previous relationship was really that bad then maybe she should go to some sort of counselling. You could just sit down with her and get her to tell you everything she needs then she will have no reason to bring it up again. Also ask her what she wants from you and why she wants to rush into marriage because it won't change your feelings towards her because you will love her no matter what. Hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, spiderweb  +, writes (18 August 2010):
 I note that you're in the 18-21 year age range. Far too young to be talking about marriage, even if you and your gf do end up getting married one day. And although you've known her for 4 years, you've only been in a relationship for a very short while. Whilst you may be certain that she's The One now, people change. That's what she's afraid of, but she isn't thinking clearly because she is so relieved that you're a decent guy, especially compared to the last disastrous guy she was involved with. So she is terrified that feelings may change and that the relationship may not last the distance. The usual mistake of thinking that marriage is happy-ever-after and offers guaranteed security etc. It doesn't. Her expectations of what marriage is, and means, is way off-beam and she is bound to be disappointed if it happens too soon, too young. I'm not saying you won't get married, just that rushing into it at this point, could be the wrong thing. Perhaps you could talk to someone understanding... a close friend, her mother or someone else whom she trusts and will listen to. Alas, if you tell her all these things, she will probably interpret your reasons incorrectly and imagine that you're putting things off, that you're not sure of your feelings for her, that you aren't committed etc, and this could turn into a Big Issue. My advice is to NOT allow yourself to be pressurized into keeping the peace and getting married before you're well and truly ready for such a big step. If she continues to press for this, she may well sabotage the good relationship you have. Someone needs to have a heart-to-heart with her and explain that you deserve a break too, and whilst you are in the relationship with her, you will not be a cheating abuser like her ex, but nailing you down to commit is no guarantee that her life will be perfect after getting married. To you or anyone else. Hope you work it all out. Good luck.
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