A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My ex left me a year ago, because I broke her trust. I didn't cheat on her or anything like that. I went through her phone because I thought she might have been cheating. I told her what I did because I felt guilty for what I did, and she said that she no longer could trust me and left. At first I tried to talk her into coming back, but finally I gave up. I focused on my work, became a little bit more successful in my career, then I began traveling a bit more and spending time with family a bit more. I did some soul searching and spent two weeks in Vegas and kinda drifted through the city and stayed with some friends there. All while I was doing these self improvements I was ask out by other women 7 or 8 times. Each time I turned them down. At first I turned them down because I still had my ex on my mind, and it wouldn't have been fair to start a new relationship while thinking of my ex. Then I started to turn them down because they just didn't interest me. Once I finished my traveling I felt rejuvenated and focused on my career even more. Ever since the end of November I've been thinking about my ex a lot more and have been talking allittle to her. I want her back because I've come to realize that I'm very much in love with her, and she completes me. Looking back at my year of hard work and adventure I realize that I've changed, I feel like an actual productive, trustworthy adult now. By the way I turn 30 in about a month. I guess my question here is how do I get her back? Her and I were together for just over 6 years. She told me that she's not with anyone, and I mentioned getting back together but she said don't push. How do I get her back and how do I earn her trust back that I lost long ago? How do I get her back without pushing? I'm honestly excited about possibly earning her back, but I know I can be pushy when I'm excited. I just want to start the rest of my life with her.
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female
reader, Paula4u  +, writes (16 January 2014):
 If the trust had been there you could have just talked, the gf used this to end it. Nice one! After 6 years just like that? She walked away right over you, now you walk leave the past behind.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2014): People don't end a six-year relationship based on one incident. They end it because of a series of unresolved issues.
You state you've been on a journey of re-enlightenment.
Then upon this journey, you should have found your freedom and a way to move on.
You should have detached, and gotten over your dead relationship. You should have been dating and enjoying the company of women; even if you didn't wish to form a commitment. You were busy obsessing and ruminating over your old relationship.
If she felt you were worthy of a reconciliation; there would have been an offer over the course of a year.
Wouldn't you think?
I think she spent that time going through her grief; and recovering from the breakup. I think she has wisely moved on; as should you.
A year is a reasonable length of time to give yourself to get over a person. It has now become a challenge for you; because you've never gotten over the regret. You are determined to force her to do what you want her to do.
What evidence do you have that reconciliation is remotely possible? None! Or you wouldn't be asking how.
You may have a few issues with possessiveness. The fact you can't relate to other women, means you may need to get some therapy to help you to move on. You must leave her alone.
Your mind will never detach,and accept the loss until you do. Your addiction to this person, is putting you through torture.
If she was on the same page, you wouldn't have to "win her back." She would have made herself available; shortly after your breakup, to work something out. She let a year lapse and never once offered you an opportunity to makeup.
You claim it was the phone incident; but you know it was more than that. You were insecure, and wouldn't have been checking up on her; if you didn't have trust issues.
Either that, or she was just over you and waiting for the earliest opportunity to move on. The opportunity presented itself, she went for it.
Six years and no commitment to marry often is a good reason for a woman to decide there is no future in remaining in a relationship. It's approaching "common-law marriage" in many states in the United States; it you live together all for up to seven year. She needed to get out before the statute kicked in. You were getting all the benefits of a husband, and giving her no papers to show for it.
You think it was all over checking her phone? I don't believe that.
She probably wanted a traditional marriage. She had no incentive to stay. She was watching the best of her years roll by, and the thanks she got is your distrust.
You behavior told you don't trust her. That was a shock to the system, a knife in the heart, and a blatant insult. Six years of devotion, yet you didn't trust her.
You really should seek some professional help to get over your possible obsession. You've dragged this out too long, and you don't seem to be making any progress in recovering on your own.
A few romantic optimists may suggest you try to get her back; but that would only set you up for more pain, and place her in the position to reject you again.
The odds are against getting her back. Most people breakup for a reason; and they seldom reverse their decision after ending such a long relationship like you had.
My advice. Seek grief counseling, and therapy to get over an obsession. Stop rejecting people like you're in a relationship. You're not. You are suspended in time, and refusing to let her go.
You claim you renewed yourself. No you haven't.
If that were true, you would be able to move on with your life, and leave her alone.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2014): I'm with the others, OP. 6 years and she dumped you because you got a paranoid and checked her phone?
I can understand how hurtful it must have been to her but it sounds like she was looking for an excuse to get out as there wasn't any attempt to work through this.
I'd think carefully about the break up OP, you do sound like you're getting carried away and seeing things with rose tinted glasses.
I don't believe for one second that your break up was for that reason only because it seems a little strange that she wouldn't want to work through it and save the relationship, it really wasn't that much of a deal breaker. Plus you have to consider what made you feel after a 6 years she may have been cheating, there's always a reason for feeling that way.
I know there's more to this than you're telling us, and I'd bet my house there's things you're pushing to the side and trying to ignore that matter too. Be careful that this is not just you just being in love and ignoring some very obvious factors that means this won't work, because she left for a very soft reason and hasn't changed her mind about that in a whole year.
To address your questions directly, you're going to have to take a long time, slowly regaining her friendship before she'll even consider anything more. The fact that she's not with anyone doesn't mean she's available to you OP, she dumped you, she wanted out, you seem to think it was just one incident but no one leaves a 6 year relationship without wanting to be out of it. 'Don't push it' probably even means 'you're lucky I'm even talking to you, don't bring up the idea of a relationship again.'
There's nothing you can do to win her back except take it insanely slowly, see how things are and maybe it'll happen. I wouldn't hold your breath though OP, she most likely doesn't want a relationship with you again, she has very different reasons for leaving than what you think it was just easier for her to go with you thinking you messed up. The reality is though after 6 years she was just looking for an out and you gave it to her.
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A
male
reader, Gauntlet  +, writes (3 January 2014):
 My opinion is the same than CaringGuy. Your (ex)girlfriend reacted like she was barely grilled, and left on the false pretext of your jealousy. At least, that's what we can tell considering what you've explained us. If it is like that, your sixth sense saved your face before becoming an officially cuckold. I hope it pours a little baulm on your hurted heart.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (3 January 2014):
Before you even consider that, the question is what made you check her phone in the first place? Why did you think she was cheating. I only say that, because her reaction was, in my opinion, over the top. I would be hurt if my girlfriend went through my phone thinking I was cheating, but I wouldn't dump her. Perhaps some would, I can't be sure.
It just seems to me that no matter how much you've thought about who you are, you can't change that there was a lack of trust for whatever reason. There was a reason you thought she was cheating. Think about that before anything else.
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