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*eftys
writes:My partner and I have been together for 10 years. I seem to have lost my sexual attraction for him. I just cant seem to get it back. I dont know what to do. How do I get that feeling back? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2010): I have the same problem. Essentially sex became VERY VERY BORING. He just likes to lay there and bottom. I'm really into ORAL... but also like anal, but don't like just one position. We love each other... but the sexual aspect of the relationship has up and left the house.
We decided to go the open-relationship route. This is NOT the kind of relationship that works for everyone. You have to set ground rules that each of you agree to. If you are interested in this type of situation I suggest checking out an open-relationship/polyamorous book called 'The Ethical Slut' (check it out on Amazon).
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reader, Jeff8  +, writes (24 June 2010):
Ten years is a pretty good run. Sooner or later your sexual attraction has to end. Accept the fact that the best sex the two of you will ever have together was several years ago no matter how hard you try.Get ready for it now. Think about what holds you two together. Hopefully it is something more important than just sex. Then figure out your own rules. And make your choice: sex without him or him without sex.
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reader, maverick494 +, writes (23 June 2010):
Well, attraction depends on several things.
After you get settled in your relationship, you usually get 'easy'. By that I mean you don't feel bad anymore on your off days walking around in the house in your snug pants, hair in a bun, no make-up...You might not exercise a lot anymore, because he loves you for who you are. In sex, it's easy to stick with the fixed formula. All these things go both ways. And all are signs you (both) need to spice things up again.
One poster on this site said that once happiness is found, it rarely stays around for long. So you have to find it over and over again, in different things. Evolving happiness, is what I call it. So once the initial ruse wears off, you need to find something else that satisfies your needs.
So try this if you haven't already:
1. Dress up nicely like you would if you would be going on a first date. That includes makeup, hair, etc. Expect the same from him if all he does is walk around in the same comfy outfit when he's at home. You're married. Making a good impression on him should be more important than a stranger. Same goes for him.
2. Find new, special things to do, so you can talk about it and refresh conversation. Do things you're afraid of. I don't care if it's bungee jumping, eating at that retaurant that serves octopus or taking a 1000 mile drive to nowhere (with him) without any planning beforehand. Do something that is out of your comfort zone. Something that makes you nervous when you think about it, makes your heart pound. Something that makes you feel ALIVE.
3. Do couple stuff. Go out for dinner again, just the two of you. If that's gotten cheasy, go to the local candy shop and buy caramels. Go to a market, shoot targets with a plastic gun, surprise him under the shower when he's off guard, that kind of stuff. Anything that gets you laughing.
3. SPEAK to eachother. He needs to know what's bothering you so you can do something about it. Don't blame it on him, but say: hey, I have the feeling our relationship is slowing down, like an engine on it's last drops of fuel. We need to go to the gas station, get that powered up diesel so we can fire things up again!
Okay, you don't have to use my stupid metaphors, but you get my drift.
Also, what really helps is paying attention to details. Maybe you enjoy the way he moves his hands when he talks. Or that crooked smile, or that glint in his eyes when he's talking about something he's enthusiastic about. Stop to notice those things again like you did when you fell in love.
Good luck and let me know if any of these suggestions are helpful in any way. I'd appreciate it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2010): 7 years of marriage.Every time still feels like the first time.I think you either have it or you don't.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2010): It seems your bored of the same sexaul actions evrey ocassion. Talk to your patner see if he agrees. Try diffrent things during sex. Spice it up a little.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2010): I don't think you can. What's lost is lost. Some people try therapist, but i believe if it's gone it's gone.
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reader, lovepuppy88 +, writes (23 June 2010):
First you could try something new. maybe some things that you have never done before. he could suprise you and you could like it making you attracted again but if not then you have to think deeper about what you truly want as far as being with him. something new may be better but you may not wanna let go
and try to work around this.
good luck =]
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