A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Is it normal or even healthy to remember my ex wife of 20 years even though I'm happily remarried and on a better path overall? It's been about 5 years since we split. I don't think of her too often, maybe every few days to weeks, but I do miss her occasionally because my past is tied to her so irrevocably. I feel like the best years of my life are in the past since they were with my ex. Many of them truly were. But I know I would not and could not be with her...she'd drive me crazy. And I truly love my current wife...she is the soul mate I never had. But I feel like we are so boring and don't have much fun. A lot of the problem is we are both making up for lost time and lost money from the divorce and layoffs over the years...so a lot of money gets put in investments and savings and my son's college, so we don't spend much for trips or the like.How do I get back on the path to really enjoying my life and having the kind of fun I did in my 20's and 30's? Maybe that's the problem...I can't.Wish I could fully let go...or is that impossible because of all I had once? I thnk it might be.Need advice from those who have moved on after very long relationships...
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2015): OP here.
Thank you both for your replies.
Wise Owl, your comments nearly pushed me to tears, they were so on the money. Interesting...I am a cyclist, and like you, getting back into the sport has helped me regain a sense of youth. My bikes have been my elixir for youth for over 25 years. The longest thing in my life. I am also dieting and have lost 10 lbs in the last 3 weeks (down to 199 from 211). My wife and I do share many free, or nearly free fun things, and she is great at planning stuff. We bike together sometimes, canoe at a local park, walk the dog together and go to local towns with boutique shops and pubs. We plan for our future move to the Virginia Beach area, where we fell in love. I also have found faith again through her. I am Lutheran, but go to Presbyterian services now and prefer them. In many ways, I am improving. But there is an emptiness I never had before. I tell people my heart is happier, because it is light and free. But my soul is emptier...because it lacks the light of peace and singularity I enjoyed in my first marriage. With my ex, everything was a first. Everything was an adventure. Now, everything seems like a rerun of the past. Even when you mentioned ballroom dancing, something I've done with my current wife, my thoughts drifted back to my ex...she was the music in my life. But I lost my way and lost a sense of who I was and what I was supposed to be. We went through counseling, but it was no use. My heart had faded. But even as we began the process of parting, my soul was alive. I felt every pain like a razor. But I need to stop comparing the two, I agree. The past is the past for a reason...whether good or bad or what went wrong, or what could have been or what never was or always was. It's over. I know that, but somehow, I feel so tied to it. I have to remind myself every day to tie myself to new things. I'm getting there, and with help from people like you, It gets better. I think part of the problem is I spend too much time over the details of day to day living, and the life I lead now lacks a soul.
Thank you for your feedback. It helps to know others out there have lost someone too.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2015): My partner of 28 years passed-away nearly eight years ago. My job became my escape, I became celibate for a year, and didn't take my vacation-time. I was wrought with grief. My older-sister was my rock. She'd call me everyday to check on me; and make sure I was coaxing myself to eat properly and maintaining an active social-life. I was, bit by bit; but I was allowing myself to make excuses not to date. Or, I hid myself from people; so I wouldn't have to explain why I was alone. Everyone kept asking why a nice guy like me wasn't married? I'm gay, it wasn't legal at that time. My partner died before it was.
I'm a health-conscience person. I've always been into fitness. It's a good thing, because throughout all this time that was the one thing I stayed consistent and committed to, aside from my job. I always feel invigorated after a workout. Not just weight-lifting and resistance machines, that's "compression" exercise. Too much of that is rough on the muscles, joints, and bones. I mean cardio, jogging, bike-riding, and calisthenics to keep the blood pumping. Keep the heart muscle strong. It gives you pep and you feel years younger. You must have exercise in your life in order to feel virile and strong; or you go into a lazy slump, and age takes over. Your testosterone-level drops. Working-out gives me a second-wind after work. You have to watch your diet, certain foods make you gain pounds and that makes you lazy. You make excuses not to be active, or you lie around the house feeling tired all the time.
You and your wife should consider dance classes. Tango, salsa, ballroom, or swing dance. You'll spend time around other couples and you can have a lot of fun. You get to take your wife dancing, which is something women always want and seldom get to enjoy. Being held in your arms and gliding across the floor. Getting to dress-up pretty, and go out, if only but every other weekend. If you make her happy, that makes you happy.
One summer, my partner and I decided we'd go visit a state park, or find a lovely place by the water "every" weekend.
Even it it was raining. We could afford to travel, but sometimes you don't feel like the hassles of airports. We even enjoyed travel by train! It was an adventure!
You can afford to save a few dollars to gas-up the car and have a "day-cation" out of town, at a quiet little inn, just the two of you. You know there are local bus-tours within your own state, art museums, and live outdoor-concerts under the stars in warm weather. These events cost little to nothing. It's about getting around, enjoying the free stuff at your disposal. Turning a day into an event.
If you like live music, get cheap concert tickets and enjoy a band; or an orchestra. It gives you energy you didn't know you had. Stimulate your mind, go to lectures at local universities. They often have celebrity speakers and lecturers. The tickets are not that expensive. Go to live theater or dinner theater and enjoy live plays. You need a little culture to round you out.
Sign-up for activity clubs online for people in your age-group. You'll find yourself hiking, boating, white-water rafting, fishing, and a host of things that don't stress the pocketbook. Do a little volunteer work. It lifts the spirit helping other people in need, and you make good contacts with people who direct you to resources or offer you advice that will improve your own quality of life.
Being a parent, you've got some obligation to save to put your children through school. You can't deprive yourself or your wife of a few things for yourself; because that will put a strain on your marriage. It will take a toll on your health, and you will age faster. You're beginning to feel old, because you've become consumed by your finances and lost your sense of creativity and adventure. You feel you're nothing but a provider. You're a man and person too!
When we were young and in college, we were on fixed budgets, sometimes totally broke. How did we still have so much fun all the same? We figured it out, and part of the fun is in the planning together with someone special. If you can plan your budget around bills and living expenses, use that same creativity to create a budget for vacation and recreational activities. Don't touch it. Living is an emergency too!
Have a garage sale and get rid of all the extra clutter and put that money aside for yourselves. Get a part-time job if only for a season, and stash that cash for just you and your spouse.
Your teenaged child(ren) must learn to also participate in saving for school and take-on a job to help contribute to the household, if living at home. You can handle but only so much; or you will look and feel like an 80 year-old man before you hit 50! You should see a financial-planner and not try to figure this out all on your own; because managing money is not easy. If you don't know how, you will spend most of your time spinning your wheels and chasing your tail. You will make little to no progress; because sometimes it takes the advice of trained-professional in finance to help us through these rough economic times. They say the economy is improving; but the results may vary, and it hasn't for everybody. Feel-good politics makes us weary, the opposite-effect.
You're immersed in tending to your debt and paying the bills. You are allowed to be selfish once in awhile; because if you don't, you will start having health issues which will gobble up all the money you've saved and put aside.
You also need a spiritual-side of your life for inspiration, meditation, and to keep the mind at peace. It doesn't matter what you choose, you don't have to be a religious zealot. Practicing something to feed the spirit brings me peace of mind, enlightenment, and comfort. That makes me feel like I'm still in my twenties! I'm in your age-group! There are guys at work who envy me for being fit and healthy, and they're in they're early or mid-30's. I'm over 50! I have learned to enjoy life in spite of set-backs of debt, grief from loss, challenges from relationships; so I came to this site to share and help other people. People like you and other readers also help me to grow. You remind me where I've been, and how to keep going. It humbles me. It gives me fulfillment to offer people the benefit of my experience and share the knowledge and benefits I've gained through my life's-journey.
Dear sir, life is still there. You just have to live it. It doesn't always require you to shell out a bundle of cash. It takes imagination, creative budgeting, determination; and the belief that life ain't over until they close the casket or scatter the ashes.
I hope I've been helpful.
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A
female
reader, Pureflame  +, writes (15 March 2015):
One very simple thing is that you know your ex was a big part of your past. But there's a reason its in the past. And if you are happy with you current wife, you must try not to compare. All of these are phases of life. I understand you can't do much like going to trips. But why not plan for something smaller. Just a little change and excitement. Don't overthink you past cuz you are caught up in responsibilities right now. And everyone changes with time. Find something to do that appeals to you know. It's up to you to spark up your love life, especially when you know you have found the one to be with. It's your past, don't think you still aren't over it. You may just be missing the time and excitement you had, not necessarily the person. So don't confuse yourself.
Good luck
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